Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

[StephEP]

SDs are 13 and 12. They live with their mum the majority of the time, only with us EOWE now through their preference, and DH pays maintenance accordingly. DH and their mum aren’t on great terms.

In the past, clothes have ‘belonged to the house’ so clothes get washed and returned. Very frequently, ‘our’ clothes go AWOL and return stained, ripped or months later, too small. I would say we buy nicer clothes for SDs but they’re perfectly adequately dressed by their mum too.

Having found last weekend that - yet again - they have “no clothes” here, I would like to suggest to them and DH that the clothes can travel freely with SDs, and we’ll take them on a couple of big shopping trips a year, and buy things like coats (we do this anyway) but they need to be responsible and bring a bag of clothes with them each time. I’d suggest we maintain a supply of pants and pyjamas and the very basics.

Tell me you haven't encountered this problem without telling me.

I am the poster who has mentioned the price of constantly having to replace clothes. We actually had to get court orders and soxial services involved because even though my DH had 50/50 and was also paying fairly toward costs (50% of afterschool, 50% of back to school, 100% of extracurricular sports because they fell on our time, 100% of birthdays because mum wouldn't contribute, each did their own Christmas)... we kept our own stash of clothing but as SS arrived in uniform and went home every single weekend in clothes we bought but we're never returned we physically couldn't afford it anymore. We were in debt... we had to choose cheap clothes or a cheap dinner. I would have loved if we had the price of 2 Costa coffees. My SS is now 14 and 6ft4... size 14 shoe... even from Primark a trousers and jumper would be costing £30 a go.

We 100% do not have an issue with him taking clothes that DH or I purchased and wearing them at his mums house, and vice versa. He often will wear trainers over and a different pair back... I don't care once there is sufficient clothing at each house.

His mum isn't allowed (court ordered and police ordered) to speak to us outside of email for completely different reasons, but in the main we don't have issues with her parenting and certainly not with things like washing etc. Certainly when he was younger she just wasn't buying him clothes and relying on us. But now, I genuinely think she doesn't pass any head on his clothes because he always has some at her house (combination of bought by her and bought by us) so it isn't an issue for her... just us.

Thankfully we now pick up from school and drop back to school, so it's not such an issue anymore. We will still inevitably lose anything he wears on Bank Holidays and a few outfits throughout the year depending on how Xmas, Summer and Easter breaks fall but it's not every single week anymore.

Which is why the OP offering to lend "her" clothes (and they need not be her actual clothes; she could buy them for this purpose) is a good solution.

Instead of a here and there of clothes, it takes that out of the equation, and, if anything, helps the girls feel included and cared for. There will be no question of getting more clothes, as they know they will have the chance to borrow if they forget. If they are not a perfect fit, so much the better - as the girls will increasingly want their clothes to look a certain way in the coming years. But they will be clean and decent in the op's eyes, and the girls will be dressed.

Well I've given my suggestion, which I think obviates these concerns you have outlined.

Well not really... because they still.lose.clothing every week? Whether its from Primark or Prada doesn't matter....

My teen dd just lives in jogging bottoms T shirt and hoodie. Easily purchased in Primark or cheap on Vinted.

I’d just keep those items in stock at home, and tell the sdc if they want any other clothes then please pack a small overnight bag.

Do you also keep supplies of makeup toiletries etc for them? That can get pricey too

No, I said if they arrive with nothing clean, they can "borrow" something from the op. These don't really need to be her own things, she can but a few cheap items expressly for the purpose. Then leaving them when they leave becomes a natural step, and nothing to do with "your clothes for here and your clothes for there."

They won't like borrowing things they have not chosen for themselves for long. The girls will manage the solution themselves. And even if they do like borrowing, that will be what OP bought them for anyway.

But when they arrive they are in school uniform.

Do you mean that the girls just bring a bag with what they want for the weekend? Because that's exactly what the OP is suggesting? So the OP has no issues providing clothes and she doesn't care where they go but the girls need to be responsible for packing a weekend bag and then there is just basics (pj's, socks, pj's, toiletries) left in the OPs house for good measure.

I would do as some PPs have suggested and ask the girls what they would prefer. I think if you said they bring a bag each time and in exchange you'd take them out on a couple of good shopping trips a year to kit out their wardrobes for both houses they'd probably be happy. The risk is though they 'forget' their bags in order to encourage another shopping trip :-D So worth having some non-exciting basics to hand too (some leggings, t-shirts, tops etc).

Yes - or choose some things they want to leave at op's, as it suits them.

But I don't think it is on to insist on how this operates. I'd use the "Oh, don't worry if you've forgotten, you can borrow "my" [primark hoodie bought for exactly this.] I don't honestly think it will continue long ... and if it does, what does it matter?

Yes, I agree. The kids should have control over where they bring / leave the clothes so they can have what they want at whatever house. Then there is extra surplus clothing left at Dads house in case they want to swap clothes out or need spares or forget something.

I think this makes most sense at their ages.

Yeah we had similar exh wanted to keep clothes separate so we did but I think he found his clothes didn’t get worn much as they only went eow. So in end they just wore what ever.

My daughters ex used to do this when the children were younger , they never came in their eg adidas sports wear they’d arrive in scruffy clothes , my daughter would buy decent stuff and the kids took it home to ex but they would never return in the new clothes only scruffy clothes . It was just another type of control from ex but unfair to the children .

I don’t really know what the solution is here but reading your post brought back a wave of anxiety from my own childhood! I had this where clothes belonged to the house and btw both my parents were convinced “theirs” were going missing and they were spending more money than the other. I would get very stressed out when i couldn’t find something to return to the right house. I appreciate I haven’t been on your side but really none of this is that important compared to stress it can have on children already dealing with having divorced parents who don’t get on. Given the ages surely they will be sorting their own clothes soon enough so at worst you’ve got another year or 2 of dealing with this. It stopped being a problem for us anyway once I was in my teens and managed my own clothes

My ex was great at hanging on to anything new or nice.

When the dc were young enough to need someone else sorting their clothes, I just packed things that were on their way out anyway - perfectly clean & acceptable, but their oldest & smallest items. That way, I didn’t lose sleep over keeping track of whether I got stuff back.

He was welcome to take them shopping, & then keep whatever he bought at his place for future visits.

Once the dc got old enough to want to wear their nicest, newest clothes all the time, that became their responsibility: sadly they learned very quickly that if they let their new hoody or jeans be put ‘in the wash’ by their father, they wouldn’t be getting it back to take home & would next see it on their next visit - & I wouldn’t be replacing it.

I did a lot of charity shop shopping, so there was always a decent stock of clothes they could wear.

As they are teenagers, I’d say you hand over the reins to your dsds. Give them a clothing allowance to spend on whatever they like, & they can bring whatever they like with them EOW.

If they want to take clothes back to their mum’s, it’s for them to ensure they either pack them dirty to be washed when they get home, or wash them in time for them to be dry. If they want to leave stuff at their dad’s between visits, that’s fine: otherwise, you’ll make sure there’s the basics, but if they haven’t packed anything nice & they’ve spent the allowance, they’ll just have to wear the basics!

It's all good training for future holidays, Uni etc anyway - my 3 were all excellent packers by 12.

Same plan I have with my ex. Whatever my son comes to my home in is washed and ready for him Sunday night when I take him back.

This is your SD's problem and you should make it clear to them. They know what they are doing, or they don't care. Either way, they aren't toddlers any longer. If they show up in rags, that's their weekend clothes. This isn't mean, it's consequence.