Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

[StephEP]

SDs are 13 and 12. They live with their mum the majority of the time, only with us EOWE now through their preference, and DH pays maintenance accordingly. DH and their mum aren’t on great terms.

In the past, clothes have ‘belonged to the house’ so clothes get washed and returned. Very frequently, ‘our’ clothes go AWOL and return stained, ripped or months later, too small. I would say we buy nicer clothes for SDs but they’re perfectly adequately dressed by their mum too.

Having found last weekend that - yet again - they have “no clothes” here, I would like to suggest to them and DH that the clothes can travel freely with SDs, and we’ll take them on a couple of big shopping trips a year, and buy things like coats (we do this anyway) but they need to be responsible and bring a bag of clothes with them each time. I’d suggest we maintain a supply of pants and pyjamas and the very basics.

I can’t understand why they just don’t put a couple of outfits in their school bag for the weekend? You have underwear and PJs at yours. They are old enough to pack a bag for themselves.

They ‘forget’ because they know you will take them shopping. Just say, sorry, I can’t but dad can nip you back home for a change of clothes. They’ll soon sort themselves out.

You also sound like a massive snob OP. I hope non of this rubs off on the poor girls.

BudgetBuster
We had major issues when my SS was younger with this. He would arrive to us midweek in school uniform and gone back to his mums house on a Sunday wearing normal clothes. We would wash, dry, iron and return the uniform but the clothes we bought were never returned and every few weeks we'd get a big bag of cut up, stained non wearable clothes back.
Eventually it unfortunately had to be written into the C/O that mum had to send clothes in his backpack. Not ideal but we were able to show the courts that we were spending money every month on an entire wardrobe for him whilst DH was also paying maintenence.
We then moved to a to school from school schedule and whilst we definitely lost out on a few outfits during non term time, we just made sure anything super expensive didn't go over there.
We've actually just spent 2 weeks trying to get clothing back (we can count 6 outfits all costing approx £100 each that she has while we sit with a half empty wardrobe). So far she's sent back one jumper. We have reminded my now 14yo SS to bring stuff back and again he looks at us stupid. We have no issues with clothes going over and back from each house but we are struggling when we buy something brand now and then he arrives in uniform and goes back to her (e.g. bank holidays or non school days) in said brand new clothes and when she does eventually send it back it's been cut with scissors 🙄
We sat SS down last week and explained that if he doesn't bring clothes back, he will have to wear his school uniform back to her house during the Easter Holidays. And unfortunately we will need to stick to it.

Im sorry but your ds should know nothing of this, you should be dealing with the mum only, no kid should be told ‘if you can’t do x’ when it’s their mum doing it. I think you should all try some form of mediation

Given the age of these girls I am surprised they don’t INSIST on choosing what they will wear and when.

Absolutely reasonable OP. Tell them to pack a bag. If they forget it they will spend the weekend in Primark basics.

Have you posted before? I'm sure I've read this , if not worth a search for answers.

My son goes to his Dad’s once every 6 weeks if that. Dad refuses to let him bring anything home - whatever he is dropped off in he comes home in - underwear the lot. He is not allowed to bring anything birthday presents back from his Dad’s house etc and my son (a teenager is fed up with it)

My attitude is totally different - my son’s stuff is his stuff he wants to leave it at his Dad’s (300 miles away) he can- the only thing I say is if he takes his nice coat and leaves it at his Dad’s I’m not buying another one for here. Talk to the girls about it and try to be amicable with them if you can - they will thank you for it. It you buy them a nice pair of jeans - they might to take it back after all they are there 11/14 days. If you can suggest you take the girls shopping once a month and spend £100 on clothes or whatever but the deal is they bring a suitcase and all their clothes.

I suggest pants, PJ, dressing gown are excluded but have an open conversation.

My ex was so pathetic about swapping clothes eg he would arrive in age 6 trousers and he would return him in age 4 trousers that I just literally turned up one drop off and said here are two black sacks of age 6/7 clothes that fit him - don’t put in him on clothes and shoes too small!

It also sounds as if your house and ex‘s may have different ideas on clothes as well. SDs can‘t need too many clothes if they are in uniform most of the week. Mine were in legging/joggers and hoodies most evenings at that age.
Explain to SDs that they are old enough to sort a bag. It could be that they stuff a few things into a bag in a rush on Friday morning, or that their mum does the washing on the weekend when kids are at yours?
If they need to get dressed up for something on your weekends, then their Dad can surely txt to remind them? And could be an idea - if finances allow - for their Dad to give them a clothing allowance direct and let them go shopping on your weekend every x or so months. At that age, they should be happy to get that independence. My DD‘s first big shopping trip ended up with a mixture of H&M, M&S (cos she was familiar with it) primark and a really good charity shop find. She looked great and not tarty/glitzy as I’d feared) as most young girls will do if they dress their age. Also packing when she stayed with her dad has made her an excellent packer ever since

The perspective is that they cannot afford endless clothes that are never returned... 🙄

He's 14. He's now old enough to put clothes in a bag... if he can put his kit bag in he can throw a tracksuit in a bag.

Do you honestly think my DH hasn't tried mediation etc in the last 12 years? I clearly state that she is court ordered to pack clothes and she doesn't.

Yes! I agree.
Surely arrange an allowance for clothes. They then can buy clothes and are responsible for looking after them ? Then just have the basics at your house ?

I don’t know any teenage girls who aren’t going to look after their best clothes if they realise that new ones aren’t just going to keep appearing. This will also encourage their mother to look after the clothes as she will realise there isn’t going to be an endless supply.

This was an issue when my two were younger. They had 5 nights a fortnight at their Dads and he didn't go through their clothes each season to see what they'd grown out of. So he thought they had a lot of clothes there, however he only had the older clothes I had bought that had made their way there. Some were two sizes too small. The children would wear the clothes I had brought them there, then wear the too small clothes home, as they were the only clean clothes. They went to a school with no uniform, so that compounded the problem. Once they were old enough to take a bag and bring back some clothes, things got easier.

I've heard this so many times. Not from the OP but from stepmums.
Every time the DSC bringing only tatty too-small clothes with them.
The DF and DSM buying clothes most visits but not seeing them again.

Those poor children: a divided wardrobe on top of everything else divided.

They are teens: just let them wear what they want, when they want, where they want like normal teenagers can. If they don't bring any, they won't have any. That will only happen once or twice. But a kind of stocktake of what belongs where is just unnecessary tension.

Why buy them then?

Ah yes... the bio mum must be wearing them or selling them on ebay?

They are the children's clothes. Once given, they are given. The girls can have them where they want. Presumably they are wearing them at home, and after all the purpose is for them to wear them isn't it?

Just get bits n pieces from vinted or charity shops.

I think your plan sounds fine. I'd tell the girls that they are welcome to leave any clothes they want at Dad's house but they should also bring anything additional they want to wear during the weekend. The mother might have a point that it's mean to make them take a bag IF you were saying they couldn't leave things at Dad's and HAD to carry them back and forth, but at that age it's completely normal that they'll have favourites in heavy rotation that they'll want with them no matter which house they're at.

And yes, I'd make sure there's at least always one set of current-sized pyjamas, underwear, socks, and T-shirt for each of them just in case. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. If you buy these specially for the purpose instead of using what they already have at the house, I'd maybe put them away until they're needed/asked for.

I have been the stepmum and the mum in this scenario and honestly thales absolute last thing you should do is what you have suggested and have them bring an overnight bag each time. It will automatically make them feel like a guest in their home with their dad.

I do absolutely get that it is frustrating, but kids genuinely have sod all idea who bought what so expecting them to remember is unreasonable. Send them home in what they came in or in leggings and a top that doesn't matter much.

Do you do Friday straight from school to your or do they go home to mum's before pick up? If they ho home, make sure they change out of their uniform. Then they go home in what they came in.

What do you propose the kids wear whilst at their Dads if no clothes are bought?

They come straight from school. I do feel like their mum will spin it as them living out of suitcases and being visitors and us opting out of paying for their clothes.

But if the options are either we scale back and it’s all cheap basics, or we continue buying them nice stuff but they have to pack a bag, I think the latter is nicer for them?

We only have them about 25% of the time, but it feels like we’re buying the vast majority of their clothes and paying maintenance on top.

Honestly I’d just buy them less expensive clothes. They are young yet, you are going to be doing this a long time.

Teens don't always mind cheap. My SIL has been dressing hers in lovely clothes and is despairing as the eldest now likes Primark! They like the cheaper fashion that keeps pace with this week's trend.

I deplore it, but I'm much older ...

It’s generally very good! They confide in me a lot, more than DH (or their mum or stepdad apparently).

We have a younger child.