Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

[StephEP]

SDs are 13 and 12. They live with their mum the majority of the time, only with us EOWE now through their preference, and DH pays maintenance accordingly. DH and their mum aren’t on great terms.

In the past, clothes have ‘belonged to the house’ so clothes get washed and returned. Very frequently, ‘our’ clothes go AWOL and return stained, ripped or months later, too small. I would say we buy nicer clothes for SDs but they’re perfectly adequately dressed by their mum too.

Having found last weekend that - yet again - they have “no clothes” here, I would like to suggest to them and DH that the clothes can travel freely with SDs, and we’ll take them on a couple of big shopping trips a year, and buy things like coats (we do this anyway) but they need to be responsible and bring a bag of clothes with them each time. I’d suggest we maintain a supply of pants and pyjamas and the very basics.

Well the mum is doing 75 percent of the parenting effort. Surely your household can choke down the responsibility of a few Primark leggings.

Can you just ask them whether they'd prefer this? I think that's the most reasonable solution for everyone. If they say no, you keep going on the current system, and maybe get a bit stricter about stuff being kept at yours.

If they want to move to bringing stuff every time, then do that instead (I'd keep underwear, PJs, a couple of items of clothing and a pair of cheap shoes at yours, just in case they have to stay on short notice, or something comes up that means they need them). I'd also say you want a full contingent of basic+ toiletries (nice shampoo and body wash, facewash, toothbrushes and toothpaste, pads and tampons, body sprays etc) so not everything has to go back and forth, its not a big deal if they forget stuff, and so they still feel like it's partially their home too.
I do think this is probably the more sensible option, and will actually let them get proper wear out of their nice stuff before they outgrow it, without any of the resentment currently felt.

Then husband speaks to mum at drop off and says what's happening from now on, that he's agreed it with the girls, and that next time he has them they'll be going shopping, and he'll be sure to get them a new suitable bag/holdall to transport the stuff back and forth, alongside whatever else they usually buy. (or that they've been and bought them already, but that's what they're for).

We have them extra in holidays so I think it works out about 25%, I’m happy to be corrected though!

I have a good relationship with SDs and keep my opinions on their mother away from them. I think/hope she does the same.

Even with less expensive clothes, can you afford to buy 26 entire changes of clothes over a year because they don't get returned? That's add up to a lot of money.

I think it's a great idea and it's exactly what our children do now they're old enough to pack a bag and plan what they want to wear. You sound like a wonderful Step-Mum.

I’m guessing mum does a lot more washing of the clothes than Dad does twice a month. Expecting the kids to keep the nice clothes bought by you for use at your house is so weird.

Yes, we can ask them what their preference is. I also need to run it past DH.

I wanted to run it past a group of mums, many who’ve probably been in a similar situation on either side of the fence, first.

I thought there’d be more posters saying to up maintenance instead, that we were opting out of parenting; or that it would be unreasonable to expect the NRP to facilitate bag packing.

I don't think you will find their mother amicable so to avoid engaging I would explain to the children that while you don't mind at all if they wear their own clothes (that you have bought) back to their home with Mum, the fact that these things aren't returned means that you have to keep buying new things - which you would be happy to do but you only have a certain amount of money and you'd rather spend any extra money on other things that they would enjoy, like clip n climb or a treat or whatever. So to avoid the migration of clothes problem, you think it might be best if they went home in the(washed) clothes they arrived in, unless they particularly love something you've bought and really want to wear it more often. And ask if they think that seems like a sensible solution.

Change them into the nice clothes when they come to you, then change them back when they go home.
im the same as you - I bought lovely clothes for the step kids but they would never be seen again, even when the mother said she needed new clothes for them.

I asked her for a few spares to keep at ours and she gave me a full bag back containing ALL the clothes I’ve bought them the past year, many new with tags. I’ve sold them on Vinted and refuse to buy them anymore due to her ungratefulness.

Then scale back on the value you spend. Use vinted etc if they want branded stuff.

Dd is a dancer and likes in gym gear, the current must have is gymshark as she find their gym bras comfy and not"funny fabric" or too x or y (awaiting autism diagnosis), but at £30-50 a time she gets nearly new off vinted for far less!

This unfortunately is going to be a pick your battles moment. The risk of what their mum may do as a spin really isnt worth it. And i absolutely get it, my stepkids with dd's dad have a mum who would convince them they moon was purple if she thought it would make their dad (and me) look bad. They are 22 and 20 now and they are fully aware of who was the protagonist now. Their mum has pulled some horrific shit in the last few years and dsd has confided in me a lot over it, mainly because we just played the game and picked which battles werr genuinely going to benefit them.

Ultimately it is the kids that will get harmed in any significant change and that should really be avoided at all costs.

My godson had an arrangement where he had specific clothes at Mum’s and another specific set at Dad’s - belongings weren’t allowed to be swapped between houses. Each parent had different tastes, and it was as though he was expected to be a different person at each house. There was a lot going on, including animosity between parents, but I wouldn’t be surprised this contributed to his subsequent mental health problems and eating disorder. It was exhausting for the poor kid.

Why? Only buy new clothes for birthdays and Christmas. If they arrive without clothes then have cheap supermarket basics at yours eg joggers, T-shirts and pjs.

NRP won’t have to facilitate bag packing for kids thus age surely? They are both at senior school I presume?

Sounds like a great idea. I would buy them each a small airline trolley on wheels so they can carry the clothes they want easily from their house and then return at the end of the weekend . Have spare underwear/ pjs / a warm jumper or coat, or t shirts at yours in case of weather changes. They can keep toothbrushes, hairbrushes/ toothpaste/ deodorants/ moisturiser/ shampoo/ shower gels at yours as well so they don’t have to cart them from house to house.

I never ha much mice to ear as a child becasue we were very poor. my uncle used ot buy us a lovely outfit for Christmas at M and S every year. I loved that. I never had what my friends had and then I ended up in. afincacniily controlling relationship

This happens all the time with my step children esp nice shoes.
if we ever forget to return anything from mums house within a day of leaving, all hell breaks loose. Very sad for the children but she has become obsessive with 'her stuff' that her ways are starting to rub off on the poor children. We have no problem them wanting to wear stuff from ours at their mums as long as when they return, we still have an adequate supply of clothes for them to wear here and that they havent all disappeared so they have nothing to wear 🤷‍♀️

If they go to school close to where they live, then whoever collects them from school should drive them to their mother’s house and gets them to nip in, get changed and grab some outfits that they can wear. Tell them there can’t be shopping trips each week. And have some supermarket jeans and tops at your home for back up. It does seem like their mum, and indeed the girls, are milking it a little. What teenager wouldn’t like having new clothes bought each time they come!

Fair enough. I don't think, at 12 and 13, it'd be on mum to pack the bags, especially if you keep what I've suggested at yours (so they can just turn up, and won't be deprived, but will not have a choice of what they're wearing etc), and when you introduce it you make clear they should be packing own bags etc., and that if they didn't, it'd be what's in the drawers, not a shopping spree every weekend!

Sounds like you're doing well and making a big effort, and I;d just recommend a conversation with everyone first :)

This is why divorce can fuck kids up. This is so toxic. The clothes belong to the children not a house. Adults need to grow up.

At their ages, surely they wouldn’t want to wear old or stained clothes that their mum has deliberately picked out?

The sceptical part of me suspects that the girls have realised that by travelling to your house in these clothes = dad buying lots of new clothes for them 😁

You're not alone in this issue. I've seen instances of other stepmums making similar posts on Mumsnet: new clothes disappearing at the other household and tatty clothes being returned. Unfortunately, some parents seem to use this as a kind of power play.

I always find it very odd that, regardless how many mothers in this world manage to to care for their children admirably, it always takes a SM to sniff out the ones who strangely lack the ability to launder or discipline and other such parenting tasks, and it's always the ex who is uncovered as having these failings that friends, schools, relatives all fail to discern. 🤔

The people who are giving you grief on this thread clearly haven't been in this situation themselves.

Yes the clothes belong to the children, and yes the adults should all behave perfectly in a perfect world, where exes all get on like a house on fire and nobody takes advantage of anyone and everyone always puts the kids first no matter what...!

Sadly, people aren't perfect, and I don't think having a go at the OP is in any way helpful when she clearly cares and is clearly trying to get to an age-appropriate situation.

Clothes belong to the child or dont buy them and leave it to mum