Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

[StephEP]

SDs are 13 and 12. They live with their mum the majority of the time, only with us EOWE now through their preference, and DH pays maintenance accordingly. DH and their mum aren’t on great terms.

In the past, clothes have ‘belonged to the house’ so clothes get washed and returned. Very frequently, ‘our’ clothes go AWOL and return stained, ripped or months later, too small. I would say we buy nicer clothes for SDs but they’re perfectly adequately dressed by their mum too.

Having found last weekend that - yet again - they have “no clothes” here, I would like to suggest to them and DH that the clothes can travel freely with SDs, and we’ll take them on a couple of big shopping trips a year, and buy things like coats (we do this anyway) but they need to be responsible and bring a bag of clothes with them each time. I’d suggest we maintain a supply of pants and pyjamas and the very basics.

Surely there's no point in keeping clothes to be worn EOW? They'll grow out of them before they get much use. Let them be in charge of what they wear.

You can still buy them clothes.

This is what I think is happening, they or their mum have worked out that they get new clothes if they forget to bring stuff with them.
I would say they have to bring their clothes with them, or just buy them very cheap stuff, it will soon stop.

Well id say I buy the needed seasonal clothes, he buys the designer stuff that id have been crucified for when I dare spoil them at xmas etc.

Technically the maintenance is contribution to clothing as well as shelter and food but any clothes he has bought just go into her wardrobe like all her other clothes. I dont see why mum at this age is trying to control what they wear. The children are more than old enough to decide. He also needs to have a discussion going forward. As the NRP its not his responsibility solely to buy essential daily clothing.

This does sound like something of a spiteful power trip by the kids mother.
I’d suggest you wash what the arrive in on Friday and send them home in those on Sunday keeping Saturdays clothes that you’ve supplied at your home.

@StephEP as they're old enough to express their preference to live with Mum, then they're old enough to pack a bag of clothes for the weekend to bring with them and take back. Just put a plastic bag for dirty clothes that they can take home with them.

I would then buy some cheap clothes as an emergency if they forget and won't be missed if they don't come back.

If Mum isn't washing the clothes particularly carefully could you suggest they bring a bag of washing with them? Suggest it to the kids, not her 😉 Might make the clothes last longer.

And maybe a stack of Primark £1 vests and trackies to travel in might be useful although I can't quite work out the logistics.

The logistics are: arrive Friday in school uniform, go back Sunday in normal clothes and uniform packed. Repeat every 2nd weekend so an outfit isn't replenished.

I’d pick them up from mums house, not school. They get changed and pick up their pre packed bag. Their dad makes it clear there’s no time for shopping. You might wash a few bits and pieces but take them back on Sunday in weekend clothes. They will begin to understand they need to pack before long!

@StephEP It’s a great idea and will help them learn to pack for themselves and be super efficient when they start to go on weekends away and the like. It takes the pressure off you as well. I’m sure there will be teething troubles but it will all work out in the end!

At the risk of sounding like a snob, none of their mum’s house clothes are what I’d choose for them. When they were little, I’d say it was always the kind of clothes you might save for crafts or a muddy play in the garden.

Now they’re older, there’s some questionable too short / small clothes but I think that’s largely their choice. Their mum does seem to get a lot of second hand clothes (donated bags from friends rather than Vinted) and the girls don’t seem to care if something has holes or is stained.

It’s not a finance issue (their household income seems around the same as ours), but different priorities.

She has maintenance for 80% of the time. So she buys 80% of clothes. If she wants more money say you’ll provide the additional 20% including what’s already been provided. Buy Vinted clothes and stress less.

No one remembers what they wore when 14 but they know how visits made them feel. Being the better dressed house is about you projecting an image.

I think you are right ti suggest a change and clothes gi back and forward. Hopefully if you dh reassures mum he will still be buying clothes she will be fine with it. If not she is being unreasonable.

Do they come straight from school on a Fri it may be difficult having weekend clothes packed as well as school booked but hopefully can work around that.

They are more than old enough to bring a bag with them each time now they're older.

We did this as kids from about 10, maybe even younger, every weekend of our childhoods. It's not a big deal.

I'd suggest keep pjs at yours and maybe some spare pants and socks (but just cheap back up basic pants and socks, nothing too fancy so they're treated like plan B items not desirable items).

I'd perhaps also keep something very basic like some nice Primark leggings and tee for each of them, for pure emergencies eg if they are sick on what they've packed for example. I'd keep them somewhere inaccessible for a genuine emergency outfit so that again it can't be reached for randomly.

I'd explain it to them as a good thing for them. Outfits belong to them and they can choose what days to wear them, what to pack in their bags etc. Dad will buy them clothing now and then eh if they've had a growth spurt or 2/3 times a year etc and they can manage their own wardrobes.

seeing as they only see you every other weekend, it makes sense that their clothes should be kept at their (mums) house. So therefore they should pack a weekend bag for when they visit your house. There should be basics like pjs and socks and pants and toothbrushes and toiletries at yours. And probably a few basic leggings/joggers and t shirts. Depending on the sort of activities you do it might make sense to have coats and wellies / walking boots that stay at yours too. But it’s ridiculous for them to turn up with no clothes and just expect to be bought new ones. If my son leaves his nice coat at his nans, I don’t buy him a new one. He has to wear his old
one until we next see her!

I strongly suspect if we suggest this, she’ll only facilitate it if we pay extra in maintenance.

I think I'd go with the idea of a bunch of spare primark leggings, t shirts and trackies.

I am a bit suspicious that the girls "forget " to pack anything because they get to go on a shopping spree. I can imagine my own daughter being delighted with such a ruse! Might get better at "remembering" if she just got a supply of plain boring basics even if they were brand new and fitted fine.

The new suggestion is the only reasonable and logical one, I am amazed at the original system and no wonder it didn't work, how hard to keep track!

I'd say that sounds perfectly fair at their age and means they can have their favourite things with them all the time. I wonder if their Dad might need to have a check initially that they have enough with them.

My DS is 13 and has EOW and 1 weeknight with his Dad and keeps all his clothes here and takes a bag. He is in men's clothes now and has some jeans or hoodies that are £80. It would be odd to duplicate everything. It has also made him very efficient at packing and responsible for deciding what to take and making sure he has everything. It does help that we live near though so if he does forget something he can get it but I can't actually remember the last time he needed to.

Maybe you could give SDs a monthly budget for the clothes you will buy? They can either save it up or spend each month. That could help with the "oopsie, I've not brought anything to wear, can you take me shopping?!" as they can go shopping but they have a budget.

poor kids getting mucked about by their mum...

You're in a very fortunate position then. Not everyone is. I buy very different clothes to what my ex chooses, which are always returned at the next opportunity, but it isn’t reciprocal and lots of the clothes I buy disappear until they’re outgrown or I’ve had to request them back multiple times. And every time the kids are there (EOW) they come home without at least one essential item of uniform/PE kit, or coat, or school shoes/trainers. It would be lovely to not have to deal with this (or to have to keep buying more uniform because ex ‘can’t’ bring it back in time for the next time they need it) but not all exes are reasonable.

My girls grew up like this and now categorically HATE their step mum for imposing the rule. Where is Dad in all this? It’s his problem if there is one not yours. It used to drive me crazy being the poor parent being accused of sending the girls in poor people’s clothes. Get some perspective in your life.

my stepchildren come in their clothes from their mum. They wear the clothes we provide and go home in the clothes from their mum. The relationship with their mother is very strained. If we sent clothes home we would never see them again. I would say our solution works, but it’s expensive as they need a full set of summer and winter clothes.

Can you give the DC a clothing allowance? Let them manage what they buy and then pack? It might stop the expectation that you'll take them every time they stay.

Your relationship needs to shift towards interacting with them. Ask them how they’d like to handle it. Be clear you can’t buy clothes every month so they need to either keep clothes at yours or take a bag back and forth. I would t include mum at all at their ages. I’d keep some cheap basics at yours just in case they forget the bag. Extra logistics is just part of the deal for everyone.