16 year old horrible daughter

[teenmayhem]

Really need some help I’m at my Whitts end.

I’ve got 2 teen daughters. 16 in a few weeks and 14.

i had my nearly 16 years old when I was just 17. Obviously this isn’t good but I was determined to make it work. I did. I’m now 33 and I can honestly say i gave up all my young life. I’ve never had a girls holiday, hardly any nights out things like that. Every penny has gone on my kids that I’ve had. I’ve given them good birthdays, loved them, clothed them, housed them, fed them well the basics. Her dad was never up to much. She saw him but he gave minimal and focused on his new family which was fine. No animosity.

as she’s got older she’s become terrible at school. Answering teachers back, swearing at them, refusing to do anything they say etc. she’s the same with me.
she doesn’t go out much but when she asks I let her. All she’s bothered about is her phone. If I ask for it when she’s cheeky she says no. I ask her to clean her room she sits and cries and says how bad her life is with me ??

anyway the problem I’ve had is my parents have always been in completion with me. They’ve always tried to groom her. If I bought her a £40 school coat they’d go and buy her a £200 superdry one. She comes back from their house with air pods, expensive gifts she’s not earnt. They send her parcels to my house of gifts for no reason. They’ve really spoilt her and I’ve spent 16 years trying to fight this and tell them no, I want her to appreciate and value money and earn such things. They don’t listen. She rings them crying and giving a sob story and they go against me every time and rescue her. It’s a no win battle.

we had a big argument 2 weeks ago and she went to her dads. Her dad is loving it as he feels powerful that daughter finally wants him. He takes her to my parents without asking me and they’ve all totally pushed me out I don’t know what to do.
I move house tomorrow and I’ve got her new bedding all sorts hoping she’ll come and she’s not interested.
her dads booked her a holiday this summer and she said “dads booked a holiday something you could never do” and she called me a “hoe”
Ive done everything for this child. She’s told everyone I told her to k i l l herself which isn’t true. She’s made some horrible lies up. And everyone believes her.
she’s 16 in a few weeks do I fight this or wash my hands of it. It sounds awful but I just can’t take it.

my 14 year old has been raised the same and she’s wonderful. She’s helpful in the house. Kind and thoughtful. Amazing at school. However my parents haven’t really bothered with her. She’s been raised just by me. (The girls have different dads)
my 16 years old has been my parents golden egg favourite. No idea why.

they don’t give her any rules or boundaries or jobs nothing. Where as I teach them to be self serving because I’m not going to be here forever. Simple things like sort your laundry. Keep your room clean. Where as my mum treats her like a baby still.

im so stressed and so low. She does have glimpses of niceness. A few months ago she said to me..
mum you always did such a great job even when you was so young with very little. To this ?
what would you do

By 16, you might not be grateful, but you can at least be respectful and treat people decently, at school and at home.

Stick to your guns OP! You’re showing her what being a good parent looks like, not backing down but still being loving. Where on earth do your parents get all this money from to buy her all these things? That is the frustrating part really being undermined like this. Can you talk to them about this? If not, keep firm but fair with your daughter and when this phase is over she will appreciate you and you’ll have a good grown up relationship.

Time for a reset. At her age, you're not winning this battle right now, so stop and step back.

Get your moving done, set up her room, with the new bedding, make it nice.

Go about living your life.

Text her twice a week, or call, but only if you can do so without arguing. Remind her each time that you love her and she's always welcome to come home, but don't do anything more to make her 'pick you'. Don't send her a photo of the room unless she asks.

I'll be shocked if she doesn't come around in her own time, at which time you need to be ready to lay down some new rules. You're not going to change your Ex or your parents at this point, so the control you have is in your home. I'd be expecting the first rule to be about speaking to each other with respect. Really sit down and give these rules a good think. If she chooses to come home at some point, treat her like she's a little older, expect more chores or help, have her do her own washing and cook for the family one night a week (even if it is something simple). These are life skills she should have anyway.

I wouldn't say you're washing you're hands of her, more that you're just letting her take the time to bond with dad and have a bit of a think about what she wants out of life. Just remind her you love her and she has a home with you should she change her mind (and behaviour).

Wow, your parents don’t seem to like you very much! I’d be having words with them to start with.

stop fighting and leave the door open, let her know youre here when she needs you. You can't compete with the excessive fit giving and a dad that finally takes notice - so don't try.

Stay solid, enjoy the time with your younger dd and enjoy the calm, for now

Well that's just hard cheese isn't it?

Leave her there, where she wanted to be and she can have a taste of reality.

You talk like she's some kind of a prize to be had. Stop acting like a "pick me" and let her get on with it.

😆😆

DH’s niece went to live with her dad at that age. Similar situation. She was soon back.

teenmayhem
You've become her "whipping boy" as it were the thing she loves to hate, let her go to daddy whose arms are it seems readily open to receive her, stop being so understanding and assuming that somehow you're always in the wrong also, what's with your parents? Not your greatest cheerleaders are they? Spiteful petty and moneyed equalling a great combination as they watch you burn. There's something unsaid going on there and you may never find out what but they're toxic to set your daughter against you as useless ex cheers from the sidelines
So tell her to go to her father, bet you she could soon be moving in with grandparents and they may realise the difference between spending money and actual parenting/setting boundaries.
As for other daughter and yourself leave the door slightly ajar and accept you'll not ever have the relationship you'd both like with her ever, she seems to be set on the tales of "cruelty and ineptness" road so expect this.You know you did your best but you're now bete noire and so concentrate on little one, her upcoming birthday and her kind loving ways. You did and still are doing your best, your youngest is testament to that

This

That sounds so tough. Parenting is difficult at the best of times, but having to do it with all the other adults around you undermining you is practically impossible.

At her age, I think it's unfortunately too late for any sanctions, as she's got options to go elsewhere. I think all you can do is make sure you leave the door open for her and hope she eventually makes it back. I would have a frank discussion with her in which you reiterate how much you love her, and how all you've ever done is with her best interests in mind. It's your job as a parent to help prepare her for life, which means having rules, expectations, boundaries. I'd potentially even be honest with her and say that in your opinion the other adults in her life are actually letting her down (I'm a big fan of being honest with kids, why not explain these things to them rather than let them flounder and work it out for themselves!).

Your home will always be open to her, but it will always be with rules: mainly respect for others and pulling your weight in the household, which are only fair when living with others. Tell her you understand if she wants to go somewhere else, although you would be very sad not to have her around, and that she is welcome back anytime.

Good luck! Sounds like you've been an amazing parent and I'm sorry you've got to go through this.

Let her go and live with her dad. I can guarantee the novelty for both of them will probably wear off very quickly! It might all be roses and rainbows now but its certainly not going to stay that way 24/7.

You're in a bad situation and I have been there myself. I had a daughter who when she was about the same age told me she hoped I would die, threw furniture at me, and was just generally out of control. I had the police on speed dial. I felt like I was losing my mind, a newly divorced mom working 2 jobs to make ends meet. I finally sent her to her dads. Tons of therapy and 15 years later, we all made it through to the other side and I have a very good relationship with her. She calls me every couple days, flies to visit me, talks to me about her life. I say let her go to her dads and give yourself a mental break. If she will go to therapy, I think it might help. As far as taking her phone away? Ha. At age 16 that's so not going to happen. I'm sending a hug your way.

It is okay to love her but not like her. Nobody wants to be an abusers doormat.
Enjoy this time she’ll be back before you know it when she doesn’t get the attention from her Dad.
I would inform the school too xx they can call her Dad when she’s acting like a tit. You have to change your behaviour towards her. Let her know you won’t be bullied or lied about.

Look, if she’s treating you like this then let her dad have her for a while. She’ll soon start treating him like that, and then he’ll be begging you to have her more. Which won’t be nice for her but she might need to learn that her behaviour has consequences - ie people find her difficult to be around.

about her behaviour specifically- was she always like this? Did something happen to her that you might not be aware of? Horrible behaviour is communication. It might just be her age and normal boundary setting or it could be something else. If you can, when things have calmed down, maybe try and have a chat with her and just ask it might be beneficial. You say the other one is an angel - how do the 2 of them get on? Do you do stuff without her? Would she know if something happened at school etc?

Even more reason for her to move there, she'll soon realise that she actually has it better with you.
Suggest that as "dad can give her xyz you are happy for her to live there, when you are ready to come back and be respectful, I'll be here." Or replace that with grandparents.

She is trying to get you to compete, teens strategies to play you off against grandparents or dad. Don't let it bother you a simple "that's nice dear" to show you are not going to participate in that.

So sorry you're going through this op.
Your parents sound toxic that they would treat your children differently and also to be in competition with you. How odd. I can't imagine that. My parents would be the opposite and tell me off for spending too much on my DDs (they brought me up to be very frugal and practical and sensible with money for which I'm grateful). They certainly wouldn't buy a ridiculously expensive coat (unless it was for a different /special occasion) if I'd already bought a perfectly reasonable one.
I would let her live with her dad for a bit (if only to show her how un-perfect he is)
Unfortunately at this age you can't force her and she will only resent you for it. Keep calm, keep reasonable, be the bigger person, keep your head held high, give her space and she will realise in time how foolish she has been. Good luck op x

Sixteen is a terrible age. Carry on being yourself, let her know that your door is always open. Challenge disrespect firmly but with out drama and don't get involved with the phone, its not a hill to die on. You will end up exhausted fighting on so many fronts ie her dad and grandparents. When my daughter was that age she was nearly impossible, nothing I did was 'right'.She has to make her own mistakes, its terrifying watching from the sidelines, but she has to detach from you in order to return to you to have an adult to adult relationship with you. She will be back.

This!
phone up EE or vodaphone or whoever provided is and report it stolen that’ll stop her in her tracks and refuse to sort it out until she sorts herself out!

Let her go. Tell father he is responsible for her getting to school, etc, he is also now the parent they call when she is in trouble.
Tell him that he & your parent's appalling lack of common sense, spoiling her, in spite if her behaviour is going to spectacularly explode without basic ground rules/ manners etc
That is not a competition between you two. You gave given everything you are able constantly.
Also point out that your parent's are not a go to babysitting option as they are equally responsible.

Please just move, let her share a bed in a 5 yr olds bedroom. She won’t enjoy it for long.
When she decides to come over, be happy, show her life is fine without her.
She will grow out of this.
& Yes it hurts. I know.

Do not be petty.
The grandparents are paying the phone
Op needs to keep communication lines open

I'd happily let her stay away at her dad's, the worm will turn with him eventually too. Just carry on with your youngest and enjoy your new home without being called a hoe.

I wouldn’t be begging her to come back that’s for sure. It must be a lot more peaceful for you and your other dd without her there. I know it’s difficult to let go but she has another parent and her grandparents looking out for her and keeping her safe. Give yourself a break for a bit.
Tell her that your door is always open to her but only if she’s prepared to behave respectfully, then leave it at that. She will need you before you need her.
Your parents sound insufferable by the way. I’d be having nothing much to do with them either.