16 year old horrible daughter

[teenmayhem]

Really need some help I’m at my Whitts end.

I’ve got 2 teen daughters. 16 in a few weeks and 14.

i had my nearly 16 years old when I was just 17. Obviously this isn’t good but I was determined to make it work. I did. I’m now 33 and I can honestly say i gave up all my young life. I’ve never had a girls holiday, hardly any nights out things like that. Every penny has gone on my kids that I’ve had. I’ve given them good birthdays, loved them, clothed them, housed them, fed them well the basics. Her dad was never up to much. She saw him but he gave minimal and focused on his new family which was fine. No animosity.

as she’s got older she’s become terrible at school. Answering teachers back, swearing at them, refusing to do anything they say etc. she’s the same with me.
she doesn’t go out much but when she asks I let her. All she’s bothered about is her phone. If I ask for it when she’s cheeky she says no. I ask her to clean her room she sits and cries and says how bad her life is with me ??

anyway the problem I’ve had is my parents have always been in completion with me. They’ve always tried to groom her. If I bought her a £40 school coat they’d go and buy her a £200 superdry one. She comes back from their house with air pods, expensive gifts she’s not earnt. They send her parcels to my house of gifts for no reason. They’ve really spoilt her and I’ve spent 16 years trying to fight this and tell them no, I want her to appreciate and value money and earn such things. They don’t listen. She rings them crying and giving a sob story and they go against me every time and rescue her. It’s a no win battle.

we had a big argument 2 weeks ago and she went to her dads. Her dad is loving it as he feels powerful that daughter finally wants him. He takes her to my parents without asking me and they’ve all totally pushed me out I don’t know what to do.
I move house tomorrow and I’ve got her new bedding all sorts hoping she’ll come and she’s not interested.
her dads booked her a holiday this summer and she said “dads booked a holiday something you could never do” and she called me a “hoe”
Ive done everything for this child. She’s told everyone I told her to k i l l herself which isn’t true. She’s made some horrible lies up. And everyone believes her.
she’s 16 in a few weeks do I fight this or wash my hands of it. It sounds awful but I just can’t take it.

my 14 year old has been raised the same and she’s wonderful. She’s helpful in the house. Kind and thoughtful. Amazing at school. However my parents haven’t really bothered with her. She’s been raised just by me. (The girls have different dads)
my 16 years old has been my parents golden egg favourite. No idea why.

they don’t give her any rules or boundaries or jobs nothing. Where as I teach them to be self serving because I’m not going to be here forever. Simple things like sort your laundry. Keep your room clean. Where as my mum treats her like a baby still.

im so stressed and so low. She does have glimpses of niceness. A few months ago she said to me..
mum you always did such a great job even when you was so young with very little. To this ?
what would you do

Tell her there's a room ready for her in the new place when she's ready to come back. Keep communicating with her. Does she get on with your other DD?

My advice would be to take a step back while making it clear that you'll always be there for her and she's welcome to return any time. Allow her to live elsewhere in the meantime (unless there's a safeguarding concern). Stop trying to fix things and stop engaging with drama/lies, even if they're upsetting.

Once she's no longer got your attention, or people fighting over her, things might change. It's possible that in a few months (or even weeks) time she will be disillusioned with her dad and grandparents and really miss you and her sister. Or she might start to misbehave over there and be sent back to you.

16 is such a changeable, unpredictable age and atm she is governed by strong emotional impulses and hormones, so the decisions she makes now won't stick for long. One day she'll really regret talking to you like that.

I get this must be really really hard but don’t beg her to come back - it gives her far too much power over you. Let her stay at her Dad’s, let him deal with the school - she will discover that eventually he will have to step up & parent too - I’m sure his ‘new family’ will expect him to also. Make the new bedroom very pleasant but don’t tailor it entirely to her tastes - nice enough that she might covet it but neutral enough for it to appear to be for guests… When she eventually does ask to come home talk about “behaving with respect” - it’s less emotive language that “treat me”. I’m glad you have dd14 so know that this is not necessarily a parenting failure - all kids have different natures, some more easy to deal with than others!!

What a hard situation OP, it must feel so sad and draining.

I would speak to her when you are feeling calm and just say "it sounds like you are having a great time with dad at the moment, and that's really nice. If you want to stay there for a while i totally understand, but just know that I love you and you always have a home here with me. But, when you are here I need you to help because you are grown, and I respect you as a young adult but young adults have responsibilities"

You can't force your Parents or ex to change their behaviour, all you can be at this age is the calm safe place she can come back to when she's tired of sharing a bed with a 5 year old.

Honestly, I would leave her to it. One day she will realise that money isn’t everything and that she’s sharing a room with a 5yr old. Once the summer holidays start, she won’t have any peace and quiet and will most likely come home. I think that you need to let her go now and play the long game. She will come home, because Dad will get fed up of her and surely the 5yr olds Mum won’t want the children sharing a room.
Good luck

Take a step back, she’s safe at her Dad’s. Keep in matter of fact contact but don’t ask when she’s coming back, etc. Hi, how are you, hope everything well, all good her - cheery, no pressure messages. She’ll soon get tired of sharing a bed and bedroom with her sister. When she calls you names, say firmly that her behaviour is not acceptable and walk away, don’t engage. Tell your parents that they are being totally unfair to your younger daughter. Don’t try and compete when they buy expensive clothes and whatever. Let them buy whatever they want for your 16 and use the money you’d have spent on your younger daughter,

When your daughter jeers at you for not affording a holiday, simply say you had your children which prevented you from further education, etc and she should consider how she wants her own future to pan out.

Let her get on with it. Leave her at her dads, he can deal with the real her which will soon show face. Send her a photo of her new room all set up and say the door is always open. Focus on your other daughter, she deserves some peace. Eventually the older one will be back home. Just enjoy the peace whilst you can. As for your parents they should be ashamed of themselves.

This 💯%.

And when she comes round, don't budge on the ground rules.
She will eventually grow-up and understand. Time... give her space and time.

If she's 16, she's doing her GCSEs in a couple of months - I hope her dad provides a quiet study space.

I wouldn’t be restricting what your parents spend on her.

What I would do is ask them a few questions. You don’t need to know the answer.

Where do they think this is going to end?

Why are they setting her up for a life of failure?
Why aren’t they allowing her to make her own way in life?
Why they are infantilising her?

Where are they going to draw the line because at some point (unless they are in the billionaire category of wealth) the money is going to run out?

Will they be buying her a brand new car each year when she passes her test?
Will they be buying her a house of her choosing?

Are they so worried that if they didn’t buy her things she wouldn’t have anything to do with them?
And if the answer is No, have they tried to put it to the test
If the answer is Yes doesn’t that mean that they are paying for her company and when the money runs out are they expecting she will drop them.

Aren’t they just teaching her that the only friendships she has are the ones she pays for

I would also tell them to add up what they have spent on gifts for her in the last year and add on things like yearly living expenses, cars holidays and general eating out and entertainment and housing costs then if they died tomorrow and left her their whole estate. How many years would it take for her to spend it

This won’t work and is not kind.
OP is outnumbered here.
Removing something from a teenager in this situation will make it worse.
She will go and live elsewhere once you enforce normal boundaries.
I would advise getting help for yourself.
An out of control teenager with three relatives enabling and rewarding her bad behaviour is not something you can deal with alone.

If you are as confident as you can be that she is safe, then honestly, I’d leave them all to it.

Do you pay the bill?

let her leave and enjoy the peace. She’ll be back. Time for a rest for you and your other daughter. You have done the best for her and she will realise but you can’t make her do anything at that age. She can live with dad or parents and they can put up with her behaviour. They’ll soon realise. If she wants to come back to live with you you need to set some ground rules for helping and behaviour. Tell her you love her but that her behaviour is not nice and is making you sad- maybe text her, that’s all you can do.

You drop the line , just enough for her to learn to appreciate you. Just be mindful it might take years. Tell her you love her very much, you’ll always be there for her and she always has a home with you. Keep contact light and breezy, movie nights, chilling, going out for a coffee, show interest in her life without judgement or advice. None of the other adults in her life have her best interests at heart. But as a 16 yo , she will choose being spoilt and no boundaries to “normal” life. The cracks will start to show when they’re actually responsible for her , and you are the fun, always there for her one.

I'd be asking her why she's using the vile misogynist slur "hoe" though.

Some 16nyear olds suck

Im guessing you parents felt like they didn't want the girls missing out with you being a young mum - not a judgment on you at all but feeling.like they could help by spending money and giving things. Where you were wanting to be independent.

Could you involve your parents in school side? I know sounds counter intuitive but they are facing the horrible things she is doing at school they might then take it more seriously.

The school certainly need to be informed of the changing situation. You're going to have to talk to them anyway about her behaviour, it's not long until the exams, apart from anything else.

Hmm, I think her behaviour is quite normal for her age.
the fact that her grandparents spoiling her is a different story- of course she’s feeling comfortable with their relationship, she’s just getting bonuses for not have to do anything in return.
The grass is always greener on the other side op.
I would have a last conversation with your parents and with your daughter- tell them how do you feel, what changes do you want etc and if the situation gonna continue I would ask the grandparents to have her live with them.
I can guarantee you that they would start seeing the whole situation with the different eyes.
And of course your dd as well.

Its easy to be that fun parent or grandparents if you don’t have the parenting responsibilities- let them have it and see.

I would also recommend Phillips Perry’s book ‘The book you wish your parents had read’.

I would have a calm, sit down chat with her. Say you’d like to speak and ask her to hear you out, then she can say whatever she wants. Tell her you love her but some of her behaviours are unacceptable. If she wants she can go and live with her dad. She’ll always be welcome back as long as she’s respectful. Then let her go

Op get some counselling sessions for you where you can let things out. No point being resentful for putting your all into your kids. It is what we do as parents. What kid is grateful? Until we grow up and have kids ourselves as teens we have no idea unless like you you have a baby yourself
You have done your best. You still young. You can do many things in your 30s and 40s . Maybe your parents see their gifts to her as supporting you? Who knows
Let her go and let her know your door is open. Dont pitch battles you wont win

Various reasons?

Biting back because she’s pissed off at OP setting boundaries.
Judging her mum for being a teen mum.
Brainwashing from grandparents/dad.
Social media crap.

Probably a mix of all of the above.

Mm. Interesting choice of word.

I would just focus on your other daughter and keeping the relationship happy and strong with her. Your 16 year old can come back if/when she is ready. Don’t invest too much of your energy in this “battle” or you might cause issues in your relationship with your other child.

The time to have put a stop to your parents divisive behaviour was when your kids were tiny. Now you have to roll with the situation and hope she comes back to you. It must be incredibly hard for you. I think you need to focus on the fact your one daughter has remained completely loyal to you. Focus your energy on her and keep the door open for your 16 year old.