16 year old horrible daughter

[teenmayhem]

Really need some help I’m at my Whitts end.

I’ve got 2 teen daughters. 16 in a few weeks and 14.

i had my nearly 16 years old when I was just 17. Obviously this isn’t good but I was determined to make it work. I did. I’m now 33 and I can honestly say i gave up all my young life. I’ve never had a girls holiday, hardly any nights out things like that. Every penny has gone on my kids that I’ve had. I’ve given them good birthdays, loved them, clothed them, housed them, fed them well the basics. Her dad was never up to much. She saw him but he gave minimal and focused on his new family which was fine. No animosity.

as she’s got older she’s become terrible at school. Answering teachers back, swearing at them, refusing to do anything they say etc. she’s the same with me.
she doesn’t go out much but when she asks I let her. All she’s bothered about is her phone. If I ask for it when she’s cheeky she says no. I ask her to clean her room she sits and cries and says how bad her life is with me ??

anyway the problem I’ve had is my parents have always been in completion with me. They’ve always tried to groom her. If I bought her a £40 school coat they’d go and buy her a £200 superdry one. She comes back from their house with air pods, expensive gifts she’s not earnt. They send her parcels to my house of gifts for no reason. They’ve really spoilt her and I’ve spent 16 years trying to fight this and tell them no, I want her to appreciate and value money and earn such things. They don’t listen. She rings them crying and giving a sob story and they go against me every time and rescue her. It’s a no win battle.

we had a big argument 2 weeks ago and she went to her dads. Her dad is loving it as he feels powerful that daughter finally wants him. He takes her to my parents without asking me and they’ve all totally pushed me out I don’t know what to do.
I move house tomorrow and I’ve got her new bedding all sorts hoping she’ll come and she’s not interested.
her dads booked her a holiday this summer and she said “dads booked a holiday something you could never do” and she called me a “hoe”
Ive done everything for this child. She’s told everyone I told her to k i l l herself which isn’t true. She’s made some horrible lies up. And everyone believes her.
she’s 16 in a few weeks do I fight this or wash my hands of it. It sounds awful but I just can’t take it.

my 14 year old has been raised the same and she’s wonderful. She’s helpful in the house. Kind and thoughtful. Amazing at school. However my parents haven’t really bothered with her. She’s been raised just by me. (The girls have different dads)
my 16 years old has been my parents golden egg favourite. No idea why.

they don’t give her any rules or boundaries or jobs nothing. Where as I teach them to be self serving because I’m not going to be here forever. Simple things like sort your laundry. Keep your room clean. Where as my mum treats her like a baby still.

im so stressed and so low. She does have glimpses of niceness. A few months ago she said to me..
mum you always did such a great job even when you was so young with very little. To this ?
what would you do

My niece at a slightly older age kept having rows with her mum and decided to go and live with her dad. She eventually came back saying she now understood why her mum had divorced him!

It’s easy for me to say as it’s not my daughter and I know you love her but just advising you …

you need to give yourself grace that you did a great job as a child yourself and you’ve done your time. Allow yourself to enjoy the break (but don’t say anything positive in earshot of the 14 year old as it will get back to her). Think of the ‘prodigal son’ bible story. Let her go and do her thing. In the 90s she could have moved out and got married with a job and a flat at her age. Let her dad be in charge for a change.

write a text to your daughter saying you respect her choice and you love her with all your heart and you want her to be healthy and happy. If she wants to live with dad that’s ok, she’s always welcome to visit if she wants a chat and a cuppa or a meal or a sleepover there is a bed with fresh bedding for her. You’ll organize getting the bulk or her stuff sent over to dads this week. See you soon my love.

then reach out to her at least once a week inviting her over for a meal or outing with your other daughter , share some news and tell her you love her.

IF she wants to move back in say yes of course but these are the family rules.

then let yourself have a bloody good break. When your younger girl goes to her dad’s or for a sleepover arrange a big girls night out with your best friends and focus on your health and wellbeing! You’re so young you can focus on fun and adventure and maybe even love a romance now!

Lol

I would let her stay at her dad's house for aslong as she likes...No one can put up with that behaviour for too long. The longer she stays there, they will realise what you have to put up with. I read some op say get rid of her phone, but l imagine, from what you have said, it would be replaced by her dad, or grandparents. Let her stay with her dad, see how long that lasts...

if dad wants to make the arrangement official and claim child maintenance from you etc then he needs to come and collect ALL of her belongings. And you may also need to take in a lodger due to the spare room tax etc.

Seems a red flag that you've listed every basic care thing you've done but that is bare minimum. You also seem to harbour some regret on what she cheated you of. I wonder does that show

Stop paying for it my love. I know it’s hard when we want them to have phones for safety sake though. Just don’t buy her roaming data?

She’s old enough to decide OP. Let her go for a bit and focus on your 14 year old. Keep in touch but don’t put any pressure on.

That sounds not ideal for her. She must feel very motivated to be elsewhee

I know economics are different these days, but......a friend of mine was having similar issues with her (slightly older) teenage daughter; back in the 90's, jobs and house shares were both easier to obtain, and madam flounced off to a house share. She lasted less than a month before returning, not so much because she appreciated home more, but as she (much) later admitted, her flat mates kicked her out as being impossible to live with.

This OP.

“Do I wash my hands of it”

it being your daughter? Obviously not no. Kids push and push and push and it’s our job to be steady and consistent and there when they are ready. She might be being awful but you are her mum and it sounds like you are letting a lot of stuff slide and being a victim rather than taking control of the situation.

A lot of good advice here. To add my twopenneth (and reiterate a lot of what’s been said already), my only advice is… let her.

Let her go and live with her dad. I guarantee it won’t last. Let her go and live with your parents. Again, it won’t last.

You are her whipping boy because she is deeply miserable and she knows she can push boundaries with you. Boundaries that your parents and her father don’t impose. Simply remove yourself from that role. After a few months of gleefully trampling all over her relatives, I am certain that they will have had enough of her and the novelty and point scoring won’t be quite so enticing for anyone involved.

At the moment, you are a pawn in your daughter’s game, your parents’ game, and her father’s game. Step out of their games and let them play them without you.

Tell your daughter that you love her and that she will always have a home with you, but until she decides to treat you with respect and as an adult, she can go and live elsewhere. Tell her she has your blessing. Speak out of love and unconditional support. But also out of self-respect. You are better than this, op, and you don’t deserve this.

The OP has clearly said that it's the grandparents who pay for the phone.

Let her find out the grass is not necessarily greener.

Be clear with her grandparents and her father, you won't be drawn into arguments generated by their actions/decisions. They'll need to sort out issues without your involvement.

Tell her she can live with them, she's always welcome back to you, you'd like to see her regularly -and ideally tell her this in front of her grandparents so there can be no lies.

Ask for her input on her room in the new house, I'd do that in front of others or via text, again so there isn't real scope for dramatic lies later on.

I think when the novelty for her and the other adults involved wears off, when they have to deal with her normal, every day behaviour, when she starts to get fed up of sharing a room with a little kid, when she starts being expected to babysit... the shine is going to come off things pretty quickly.

Stop arguing with her about anything and let her stay with her dad for now it will give you all some breathing space and time to sort the house move out and give some time to the younger daughter. Kids all push there parents away in order to have the freedom to become independent of them which means she know your the one who’s actually the proper parent so let her gain some real world experience/ dose of reality. I would discourage younger one from spending much time with the grandparents because they sound toxic. Sort her room though as she will probably be back once the reality sets in. Send her a text asking if she’s ok every few days don’t stop contact send her pic of room ect keep everything calm and invite her for tea in a few weeks.

Exactly! Let DD1 move out if she doesn't want to follow rules at mums house!

Your parents are not on your side OP.
Your ex is not on your side.

I would severely cool the relationship with my parents if they continually undermined your parenting decisions and your parents have consistently shown you that they will.
I wouldn't even have a conversation with them about it, I would just get on with my life and be so busy when they contacted me.
As for your DD, she is a teenager and will push boundaries, she will push against you and everything you stand for. It's awful for parents but necessary for teenagers, and some teens take it further than others.
There is no competition for your daughter's affection and loyalty because she will go where she chooses and with whom and at this point, there's little that can be done about it, so help her pack, wish her a fun time at Dads/Grandparents and keep lines of communication open as much as possible.

Would I be correct if I guessed that you have spent your whole life up until this point letting lots go for the sake of a peaceful life? That you don't like conflict and therefore didn't jump all over this shit that your parents are pulling right from the word go?
If I am wrong, I apologise, but when you look back, you might be able to see why it has all panned out this way, and why your parents don't think they need to respect your decisions.

Many years ago a psychologist told me I had to let my child make their own mistakes and not to intervene. I only intervened on one occasion where something was going to go seriously wrong. The rest of the time I had to let them make their own mistakes and should stop trying "to fix things". I can say they came back a lot more grateful for what they had at home after a year in a hall of residence in another city.

I also wholeheartedly agree with the poster who said to discourage your younger child from spending much time with your parents.
I would banish my parents to my outer circle. No more confiding in them, no more turning to them, no more impromptu visits.

She’s sixteen. You can’t expect her to be grateful for being housed etc. It’s a basic human right and parental responsibility.

It sounds to me as though you resent for having to give up your youth to make hers and that she isn’t grateful enough for that. Consider that from her perspective. Not your fault, and totally valid. I’d be so sad about it. But it’s yours to carry. Not hers. Make your peace with it, and find other outlets and a path forward.

Instead of trying to teach her and make her learn, treat her like an adult, autonomous human being. Be curious about her, consider her competent until proved otherwise and accept her flaws. Resource her as you able, not as you feel she deserves. Lead by example. There will be still be problems because no one’s perfect. But you’ll all be happier. And if you’re all happier, you’ll be able to help more and guide better.

Agreed. Mine were no angels but their behaviour was never remotely as bad as this.

Given that your parents have a lot of power here, OP, I would step back and let her go to your parents and/or her Dad’s. This situation cannot be great for your 14 year old, so I’d focus on her for a while and when your oldest wants to return you can set the ground rules down regarding behaviour.

@teenmayhem "May I add .. at her dad’s she doesn’t have her own room or anything. She is sleeping in bed with her 5 year old sister. (Double bed) in her little sisters bedroom. He’s not set up for her at all"

Oh dear, what a shame, never mind. Let her stay at her Dad's OP. He and the GPs can enjoy the honeymoon period. And bloody good luck with that. They'll soon find out.

Agree with other posters in that let her dad/GPs parent her for a bit - def keep her room etc and make sure you stay in frequent contact meeting up in neutral spaces.
its not normal to call your mum a ‘hio’ or to be that disrespectful around the house (although this is usually an ongoing battle but I would expect some form of compliance).

I agree with others - if she stays with Dad on a day to day basis that will soon take the edge off the "disney Dad" scenario and she will likely appreciate having her own bedroom and lovely bedding at yours.

Try to rein your parents in, they are being supremely unhelpful and shouldn't be treating your daughters differently