16 year old horrible daughter

[teenmayhem]

Really need some help I’m at my Whitts end.

I’ve got 2 teen daughters. 16 in a few weeks and 14.

i had my nearly 16 years old when I was just 17. Obviously this isn’t good but I was determined to make it work. I did. I’m now 33 and I can honestly say i gave up all my young life. I’ve never had a girls holiday, hardly any nights out things like that. Every penny has gone on my kids that I’ve had. I’ve given them good birthdays, loved them, clothed them, housed them, fed them well the basics. Her dad was never up to much. She saw him but he gave minimal and focused on his new family which was fine. No animosity.

as she’s got older she’s become terrible at school. Answering teachers back, swearing at them, refusing to do anything they say etc. she’s the same with me.
she doesn’t go out much but when she asks I let her. All she’s bothered about is her phone. If I ask for it when she’s cheeky she says no. I ask her to clean her room she sits and cries and says how bad her life is with me ??

anyway the problem I’ve had is my parents have always been in completion with me. They’ve always tried to groom her. If I bought her a £40 school coat they’d go and buy her a £200 superdry one. She comes back from their house with air pods, expensive gifts she’s not earnt. They send her parcels to my house of gifts for no reason. They’ve really spoilt her and I’ve spent 16 years trying to fight this and tell them no, I want her to appreciate and value money and earn such things. They don’t listen. She rings them crying and giving a sob story and they go against me every time and rescue her. It’s a no win battle.

we had a big argument 2 weeks ago and she went to her dads. Her dad is loving it as he feels powerful that daughter finally wants him. He takes her to my parents without asking me and they’ve all totally pushed me out I don’t know what to do.
I move house tomorrow and I’ve got her new bedding all sorts hoping she’ll come and she’s not interested.
her dads booked her a holiday this summer and she said “dads booked a holiday something you could never do” and she called me a “hoe”
Ive done everything for this child. She’s told everyone I told her to k i l l herself which isn’t true. She’s made some horrible lies up. And everyone believes her.
she’s 16 in a few weeks do I fight this or wash my hands of it. It sounds awful but I just can’t take it.

my 14 year old has been raised the same and she’s wonderful. She’s helpful in the house. Kind and thoughtful. Amazing at school. However my parents haven’t really bothered with her. She’s been raised just by me. (The girls have different dads)
my 16 years old has been my parents golden egg favourite. No idea why.

they don’t give her any rules or boundaries or jobs nothing. Where as I teach them to be self serving because I’m not going to be here forever. Simple things like sort your laundry. Keep your room clean. Where as my mum treats her like a baby still.

im so stressed and so low. She does have glimpses of niceness. A few months ago she said to me..
mum you always did such a great job even when you was so young with very little. To this ?
what would you do

I would withdraw from the whole mess for a while.

Allow her to live at her Dad's while letting her know there is a bedroom waiting for her at your new house also, should she want to return.

The grass is always greener until it isn't ... especially to immature 16 year olds.

She will soon find out that living with her Dad has it's own problems. Let her want to come back to you and then have an honest conversation that you would welcome her back but won't accept things like name calling because it's disrespectful.

Edited to add: also inform the school she is living at her Dad's now so he is the one to call re any disciplinary problems.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds really tough for you and so disrespectful not only to be called awful things, but having your parents repeatedly undermine you.

Let her go to her dad's - he'll soon tire of having another mouth to feed, and won't put up with her sweary attitude once she realises living with him is not a picnic. I don't think you can count on your parents to back you up, for whatever reason, they're not on your team and in a way, it's good that they haven't taken such an interest in your other daughter.

Can you start carving out some time and prioritise yourself? Having a baby young takes a lot away from you; you don't have go off the rails rediscovering your lost youth, but it sounds like it's time to start focusing on you, now that your girls are older.

Tell your DD that you love her no matter what she does or says to you.
Tell her you are her mum and have done your best for her and that parents and grand parent have different boundaries and ideas about what is best.
Tell her she will always have a home with you but that you want her to be where she is happy.
Bide you time,keep communication lines open, model respectful behaviour ,do not criticise or complain about your EX or GPs .
The teen brain is still developing and she may see things differently with maturity.
Your relationship may improve with distance and DD relationships with DH and GPs may change with closeness.

When you have grandparents providing everything she wants this will not work and create barriers that might be permanent. The OP has to separate the real hurt she feels because the sacrifices she made are not even being slightly appreciated, something that all of us parents feel at different levels at some stages with our children when they are being horrible, and the immediate parenting needs of her daughter.

OP, the hurt you feel has to be put on the back burner. There is a high chance all your sacrifices will be recognised in years to come when your daughter realises you were the constant in her life as a child. Until then just try and not think about it at this stage.
Let her live with her Dad or grandparents. Be open to any communication but if she is abusive just cut it with no drama or accusations. Just say you are not engaging if she talks to you like that and walk away. Don't fund anything but don't criticise her of judge her. Let her make choices unless they are inherently dangerous. Let the other adults indulge her if they want. Don't get into arguments with them about it. They are only going to continue if they think they are exerting power over you. Vent on places like this, not to anyone involved in real life.

Do nice things with your younger daughter.
When she comes back don't hold resentment but if she starts behaving poorly again implement the same actions.
If you feel she needs help at school etc then try it. If she won't engage then don't take it personally. You tried. That's what she will remember in years to come.
Same with any other supports. Talk to her about them. If she says no then do be it.
It's really hard but you have to detach from how you feel for a while. It's highly likely you will come through with a stronger relationship in years to come if you don't react extremely and give a reason to never re-establish a bond. Things like kicking children out or extreme restrictions aren't forgotten in years to come. They are refrained as 'I was only a teenager' but got kicked out. Your extreme pressure won't be recognised in years to come if you acted excessively.
It's tough, no doubt about it but uiu have already demonstrated you can deal with life challenges, so you'll deal with this too.

Sorry, this sounds like a difficult situation for both you and your daughter. Sounds like you have too many strong influences in wider family that undermine your parenting.
Hope your daughter will see that you care for her and will come back to you at some poing in her life.

Because that's exactly what it is and that's why she used it. To shock.

Just a side note - dont frame it, to yourself or even to her- that she is horrible person. Her behaviour is horrible of whatever ;)

You have done a great job raising two girls by yourself at such a young age. I have had 3 teenagers myself and can confirm 16 is a very tricky age and probably the year I disliked most with lots of backchat and pushing the boundaries. It’s exhausting and I was in tears quite a few times wondering where I went wrong and if they’d ever be nice again.

I think it’s time for you to step back, have the room ready for your DD and tell her you will respect where she wants to live. Definitely don’t beg for her to come home and when she does come back (I bet it won’t take too long if she’s sharing with a 5 year old) have a discussion about what behaviour you will not tolerate and the phone is to be out of her bedroom overnight. I bet she has poor sleep habits due to excessive phone use which is contributing to her behaviour.

In the meantime, you are still very young so take some time to do activities you enjoy. Your girls will then see your life does not solely revolve around them and may come to appreciate you if you’re not always at their beck and call.

Can I just hazard a guess that Dad is Disney Dadding suddenly and also possibly wants a bigger house and the benefits he’d be entitled to with your daughter.

I think you are being very reasonable and GPs undermining you is very frustrating. She is being an awful teenager.

Can you talk to GPs without her there and set some limits? I think the phone is a problem.

Then can she stay with Dad for a bit (not GPs!) the setup being a bit uncomfortable sharing with little sister is ideal. As long as she knows you want her home. When she comes back ground rules. And I know this will be difficult but if you can talk up anything good she does/say you love her, as she’ll be aware you are finding it much easier to love her obedient 14 year old sister recently.

I do believe that being her parent, not worrying too much about being her friend now, will give you the best chance of being friends when you are both adults.

I would take her aside for a heart to heart chat. I'd say I love you with all my heart. I've given you my all but your attitude towards me is tearing me apart & upsetting me greatly. I don't know what I've done to make you feel the way you do. It would help if you could find it in you to explain where you think I've gone. If there is no response or simply more abuse I'd ask her if she feels it would be better if she went to live with her father or her grandparents for a while. 💐

She has to work things out for herself. Tell her you want her to live where she is happy . Make it clear it’s her choice and she will always have a home with you .
Drop the rope and let the novelty of living with her dad we’re off .

Why are your parents being so mean to you? What is driving them? I think I’d focus on that for a while, they’re succeeding in alienating your child from you- why aren’t they supporting you? The dad’s behaviour is more understandable, he’s presumably thrilled that he thinks he has got away with behaving dreadfully. But he hasn’t, your daughter will one day grow up and have her own kids and remember what happened.

@teenmayhem as much as you probably need someone to discuss your 16 yo behaviour problems to, please do not tell your 14 yo. It is too much on her young shoulders. I was once that 14 yo, and I was desperately good because of it, trying to take on all my mum’s issues with my sister. It never stopped and now I’m almost 50 and just feel I enabled my mum to load it onto me and never parent the problem child properly because of it. The problem sister remained the problem sister unfortunately.

For your situation, I would leave your 16 yo to calm down. Just let her know that you are there for her whenever she wants to come home. Simply continue with your life and put on a brave front that everything is okay in front of your youngest.

It is normal for hormonal teens to say hurtful things and weaponise stuff like that in an argument. you’ve done a good job with strong boundaries before this horrible stage so you have to trust the groundwork is in there somewhere and she will reemerge as a nice person again. It was just a phase for me and dc are lovely to me now. Many dc will eventually realise the boundaries provide a safe space where they can thrive even if they fight against it. Just keep your boundaries but be there when she wants and let her know she is always welcome back. Do speak to school about what is happening as they may be able to put in place some counselling for her or at least an objective adult to talk things through with and keep you in the loop. Any financial benefits for dad will end if she leaves school at 16 so make sure he knows that. Having a NEET 16 year old around the house is very different than having a child who is out at school all day. She presumably only has a matter of weeks of school before study leave so I would just wait it out.

I’m not going to lie, if my daughter called me a Hoe after everything you’ve done for her I would be tempted to flog all that shit her grandparents got her and finally go on that girls holiday to Ibiza. But that’s extremely petty.

You need to stop trying to lure her home with buying her things. That’s money and time that could have gone to your other daughter. Don’t stop supporting the 16 year old, but it may be best if she lives with her dad for a bit? Hopefully this is just teenagers being teenagers and a harsh dose of reality will set her right. Sending love though, what a horrible situation.

Yes this. Hopefully she’ll outgrow this.

The grandparents bought the phone and pay the bill so mum can't take it off a 16 Yr old

I find it quite worrying how many people describe this as 'normal teen behaviour '!
I have two teens, 19 and 16 and neither of them would dare to call me a 'hoe'. The level of disrespect this girl has shown to her mother is off the scale in my opinion.
Obviously the GP spoiling her with material possessions hasn't/doesn't help - perhaps they see her as 'theirs' because her mother was still a child when she had her but they have had a hand in this absolute mess.
I would leave her at her father's, perhaps spend some time and money on the 14 year old that has been completely left out and let the 16 year old go and rebel elsewhere.

Either let her go live with dad (which I think is a good idea for a while) because it's his turn to live with her! See how long it takes for him to crack! If can't face that and want to keep her home with minimum contact with your parents. If they cannot be trusted to honour your wishes on gifts and how she is raised then they don't get to see her much, or ever without you. They are the cause of a lot of these problems I think.

If your daughter is being a nightmare to you, then take her phone away. Don't just ask, take it. Of course she will kick off, it will be hard but it will get easier the more it's done. Don't clean her room? Then no phone til morning. Misbehave at school? No phone for a week. Call you a hoe? No phone, full stop.

She isn't having consequences, because she's being rewarded elsewhere, undermining you all along the way. You need to be stronger with her and everyone who has an influence on her.

Of course she can. She's the parent.

They have jobs to do.

Turn the WiFi off.

Let them live with their dad. When they want to come home, agree ground rules.

Your parents are 100% in the wrong for treating their granddaughters differently. Go low/no contact.

My heart goes out to you OP and I don't have any answers.
I talk as a parent who was given a nightmare time by my teenage son. Things got worse and worse and I will spare you the details.
In retrospect, I should have taken stronger action.
Perhaps consider letting her stay with her dad or GPS.
The accusations and lies are horrific but you are not alone.
Take care OP

Let her live with Dad she'll soon get sick of sharing with a little kid.
Would your parents have her living with them?

It sounds like your parents are behaving really strangely. She’s having a hard time and it’s not helped by multiple parental figures pulling her in different directions. Just keep saying you’re always welcome here and being the calmest one in the room.