16 year old horrible daughter

[teenmayhem]

Really need some help I’m at my Whitts end.

I’ve got 2 teen daughters. 16 in a few weeks and 14.

i had my nearly 16 years old when I was just 17. Obviously this isn’t good but I was determined to make it work. I did. I’m now 33 and I can honestly say i gave up all my young life. I’ve never had a girls holiday, hardly any nights out things like that. Every penny has gone on my kids that I’ve had. I’ve given them good birthdays, loved them, clothed them, housed them, fed them well the basics. Her dad was never up to much. She saw him but he gave minimal and focused on his new family which was fine. No animosity.

as she’s got older she’s become terrible at school. Answering teachers back, swearing at them, refusing to do anything they say etc. she’s the same with me.
she doesn’t go out much but when she asks I let her. All she’s bothered about is her phone. If I ask for it when she’s cheeky she says no. I ask her to clean her room she sits and cries and says how bad her life is with me ??

anyway the problem I’ve had is my parents have always been in completion with me. They’ve always tried to groom her. If I bought her a £40 school coat they’d go and buy her a £200 superdry one. She comes back from their house with air pods, expensive gifts she’s not earnt. They send her parcels to my house of gifts for no reason. They’ve really spoilt her and I’ve spent 16 years trying to fight this and tell them no, I want her to appreciate and value money and earn such things. They don’t listen. She rings them crying and giving a sob story and they go against me every time and rescue her. It’s a no win battle.

we had a big argument 2 weeks ago and she went to her dads. Her dad is loving it as he feels powerful that daughter finally wants him. He takes her to my parents without asking me and they’ve all totally pushed me out I don’t know what to do.
I move house tomorrow and I’ve got her new bedding all sorts hoping she’ll come and she’s not interested.
her dads booked her a holiday this summer and she said “dads booked a holiday something you could never do” and she called me a “hoe”
Ive done everything for this child. She’s told everyone I told her to k i l l herself which isn’t true. She’s made some horrible lies up. And everyone believes her.
she’s 16 in a few weeks do I fight this or wash my hands of it. It sounds awful but I just can’t take it.

my 14 year old has been raised the same and she’s wonderful. She’s helpful in the house. Kind and thoughtful. Amazing at school. However my parents haven’t really bothered with her. She’s been raised just by me. (The girls have different dads)
my 16 years old has been my parents golden egg favourite. No idea why.

they don’t give her any rules or boundaries or jobs nothing. Where as I teach them to be self serving because I’m not going to be here forever. Simple things like sort your laundry. Keep your room clean. Where as my mum treats her like a baby still.

im so stressed and so low. She does have glimpses of niceness. A few months ago she said to me..
mum you always did such a great job even when you was so young with very little. To this ?
what would you do

Why are your parents acting like her parents? I would be calling them out on this immediately, what strange behaviour.

This is good advice

I think there are things you're not telling us. You definitely resent everything you've done for your kids!
But also you say 16 is your parents favourite - but 14 is clearly your favourite!

Yet you say she's spoilt! Clearly she isn't if she's happy to share a bed with her sister rather than come home to her own bed!

Not my child but. Someone's DD I know was horrible at home at this age, her mum did absolutely everything for all her kids but it wasn't enough for DD so she went to live with her dad,stepmum and stepsibblings.
She lasted only a couple of weeks, comparing their house was dirty, the stepmum was lazy, the siblings were brats, the dog was unhygienic.......
She returned home a bit improved but unfortunately still awful nearly 10 years later. A very entitled person, but had had no boundaries and completely spoit all her life.
OP you have tried against others, just sit it out, don't pander to her, see what happens, when's he decides to come back makeit on your terms.💕

Teens don’t think in long terms. The idea of trading off sharing with a 5yo in exchange of no rules, boundaries or chores is of course more appealing than the reality of it long term. Or she plans to start to throw her weight around there too , to get what she wants.

Let her stay at her dads, it'll give you some breathing space.
Make up her room, and let her know it's there waiting for her, that you love her, but until she can treat you with some respect, and change her attitude at school, she is not welcome to come home yet.

Your parents have been totally irresponsible, I have no idea why they would act like that, was it to get back at you in some way?

How does your daughter get on with her 14 year old sister?

She literally has another parent. Call her bluff. If she won't come to.live in your house, with your expectations lovingly tell her to stay with her dad and give you a call if she wants to come round for dinner, ask her how things are going etc . She is taking you as a given and its not acceptable. Similarly at school, she's choosing to do that, she's been given the advice etc. Definitely don't pay for the phone, something I did was freeze the sim on a contract when my child refused to hand it over. Any push back or guilt from her dad or your parents say you're unwilling to share your home with someone calling you a whore, but shes welcome to apologise and try again. Ideally tell them that when she's there

I’m sorry OP. I had my DS at 17 too and he’s currently also 16, I’m the same age as you. He wouldn’t dare swear in front of me, let alone at me and he certainly wouldn’t call me a “hoe” - can’t even imagine that word escaping his mouth!

It’s tricky because at 16 they’re in a really weird grey area of not being full adults but also not really being children- I mean they are but aren’t, they can have sex legally for example. Taking the phone away entirely feels like a step too far at that age I’d say but I’d be inclined to stop paying for it, although by the sound of it she’ll just get her dad or grandparents to sort it but let them…

I agree with letting her crack on really. Let her know you’re there for her if she needs you but only if she’s willing to treat you with the respect you deserve. If she doesn’t want this then fine, have fun with your dad. I’m almost certain she’ll come back with her tail between her legs.

Disengage, don’t show lots of emotion and read up on grey rock technique. If you reward her behaviour with attention - even negative attention - then you are reinforcing it. Let her go to her dad’s if that what she wants and be calm and unemotional.

She’ll soon be back when she realises that the people in her life using her as a weapon and fobbing her off with material gifts actually can’t give her what she really wants: the unconditional love and acceptance that you have for her.

I used to teach in secondary schools for twenty years.

not all teens go through a difficult phase but a lot of them do, enough of them that it is considered normal.

in the same way some toddlers never have tantrums but toddler tantrums are considered normal.

one of the things (of many) which surprised me when I began teaching was how many 15/16 year olds did move out of home temporarily. We had a year group of 210 and at any given time there would be at least ten of them living with aunties/grandma/or in cases of divorced or separated parents with the other parent.

The child/parent rows at this stage can be pretty intense (on both sides!) and if the child has an option to move away from them they will often take it at least temporarily.

it’s rarely permanent. They are getting space and also trying out a different way of living.

so…
keep a space for her. Let her live at dads for a bit. Reassure her that she is always welcome back at yours. Things will settle.

She's 16. There is little to be gained from fighting this. Right now, she's loving having everyone compete over her, so remove yourself from the competition. Ask her to think long and hard about who really cares about her welfare - the one who keeps trying to buy her love, or the one willing to risk losing it to make sure she grows up right. Tell her she can move out if she wants; you won't hold her back. Make sure she knows your door is always open for her, but if she chooses to live with you, she has to follow your rules.

Let her go and live with dad/grandparents.
See how that pans out.
Give your younger daughter choice of bedroom in new house. I would give her the new bedding too.
You can’t parent someone who refuses all of your efforts.
So let her behave badly in someone else’s house and concentrate on your younger daughter,
Sometimes we hve to let our kids go and make their own mistakes.
Just let her know you love her and ask to meet for coffee, have her round for tea a couple of times a week.

My favourite saying l have ever learned on here is ‘You can’t be a lifeboat for someone who keeps jumping out’. She’s jumped.
Leave her to it for a while.

Just read through all your updates and I feel your parents are the main problem here. They are undermining your parenting skills and authority. Unless you can get them to back off completely, you will be fighting the whole time with your daughter.
In all honesty, if they won't do as you ask, I would suggest that DD goes and lives with them. It'll either turn out to be the best decision for everyone or your parents will get sick of her behaviour and spend her back with her tail between her legs.
Very strict boundaries I'm afraid or she has to leave. No other option.

I think this is spot on, and it's not a new thing.
If I go back 50 years or so, my older sister gave my mum hell, not unlike the OP, except my sister was brilliant at school and demonic at home. It started when she was about 14, I was 2 years younger, dad had left years before, and my poor mum bore the brunt of my sisters nastiness....even escalating to violence on a few occasions.

She (sister) used to beg to go and live with our father...who didn't want to know either of us, but I'm sure if my mother had had the opportunity, she would have allowed her to go, just to get some peace in the house.

I left home at 17, just to get away. Happily my sister married young, that was the way the situation was resolved.

I suspect the OP has asked her parents many many times over the years but they seem to utterly ignore her - probably because she was 17 when she had DD and think that she’s still incapable of parenting so they need to ‘fill in’.

I think OP would be better off concentrating on DD2 and letting DD1 go and behave badly at her dads/grandparents.

Wise words.

You've got a parent problem. Wonder how they would like it done to them when they were bringing their kids up,it's always a problem when dad lives elsewhere too and your parted.
He should be backing you in an ideal world. He's also causing a division.
If I were you I'd let her go and live with him and enjoy life with your other daughter.
Who the hell needs all this in their life. You deserve peace.
There's a heat saying don't let other people destroy your peace because they can't find theirs

Honestly? I’d wave her off to her dad’s to live if that’s what they both want. I’d tell her she always has a home with me and her sister and then just focus on the 14 year old who has been treated unfairly by the sounds of it. If my parents treated my kids so unequally I’d have stamped that shit out straightaway.

I wonder why you continued letting your oldest see your parents if they were having a poor influence on her? I would never allow anyone to come between my child and me.

Your 14-year-old is not a brat because she did not have the same influence. Sorry, but this is on you.

It's easy to be so judgmental when you are not walking in someone else's shoes.

fantastic she is out of your hair for the moment, she’s safe, when she’s done living there she can move in with her doting DGP.
She might be your first born, she’s behaving like a witch. Don’t worry or waste time, spend plenty of time with your 14 y.o for now.

Your 16 may be hurting, have mental health issues but she doesn’t have the right to treat you badly.

If it is any consolation for you, my story, I was an absolute witch as a teenager, miserable, rude, hurtful. In my 20’s and up until my mother died in my 40’s we had the closest most loving relationship. Teenage hormones was the most stressful experience of my life and I’m an adult with pmdd.

When things settle suggest she has a blood test to check hormone levels and if there is any chance of counselling she should have a few sessions, DGP can pay for it. 🫣

I agree with the consensus - she is safe at her Dad's, and it doesn't matter that he "is loving it as he feels powerful that daughter finally wants him." The fantasy will give way to the reality soon enough. Camping out in her 5-year-old half-sister's room will pall.

As suggested, ask if she wants anything from her room. She may appreciate it, and it will double-duty to suggest to her that you're doing OK.

"I move house tomorrow and I’ve got her new bedding all sorts hoping she’ll come and she’s not interested."
Again as has already been suggested, make up the room neutrally rather than tailoring it to her tastes. I'd maybe use her current bedding - something that she would recognise, whereas new bedding removes her from that room altogether, IYSWIM?

"She’s told everyone I told her to k i l l herself which isn’t true. She’s made some horrible lies up. And everyone believes her."
A theory. In the last few years it has seemed to be 'fashionable' to young people to be oppressed - 'The Oppression Olympics', I have heard it termed. I wonder if her lies are her attempt to be the most oppressed of her phone-fuelled circle. Which suggests that she absolutely knows that nothing in her real life qualifies her as oppressed or marginalised - if there was, she's just emphasise them as her 'entry fee'. It's cold comfort I know, but your daughter knows your worth; but she's fighting it to conform to 'fashion'. Like I say, it's just a theory of mine, nothing to back it.

Take care of yourself OP. ((hug))

So many posters aren't reading the thread properly. It's no good OP trying to take away her dd's phone or refusing to pay for things. The grandparents already pay for the phone and would no doubt gleefully pay for other stuff while making OP out as a neglectful mother. And the dad is paying for holidays etc too.

The only thing to do is 'drop the rope' as suggested upthread. Say it's nice she's spending time with her dad. Stop trying to deal with her behaviour. Play nice but don't ask her to come home. You are the stable, reasonable adult in her life, so it's you she's rebelling against. Hopefully in time she will realise you're the one who actually has her best interests at heart.

My parents did exactly this to my sister and took her son from her. But after the novelty wore off he became just as much trouble with them and pretty quickly he wanted his mum and realised the grass wasn’t greener.

It’s not ideal but as you know she would be safe maybe let her go, give her space and let your parents and her dad do the hard job you’ve been doing and show they get on. I suspect she will come running back to you in a few weeks time.

Meanwhile keep the lines of communication open, make her new room nice and be there when she comes running home.