16 year old horrible daughter

[teenmayhem]

Really need some help I’m at my Whitts end.

I’ve got 2 teen daughters. 16 in a few weeks and 14.

i had my nearly 16 years old when I was just 17. Obviously this isn’t good but I was determined to make it work. I did. I’m now 33 and I can honestly say i gave up all my young life. I’ve never had a girls holiday, hardly any nights out things like that. Every penny has gone on my kids that I’ve had. I’ve given them good birthdays, loved them, clothed them, housed them, fed them well the basics. Her dad was never up to much. She saw him but he gave minimal and focused on his new family which was fine. No animosity.

as she’s got older she’s become terrible at school. Answering teachers back, swearing at them, refusing to do anything they say etc. she’s the same with me.
she doesn’t go out much but when she asks I let her. All she’s bothered about is her phone. If I ask for it when she’s cheeky she says no. I ask her to clean her room she sits and cries and says how bad her life is with me ??

anyway the problem I’ve had is my parents have always been in completion with me. They’ve always tried to groom her. If I bought her a £40 school coat they’d go and buy her a £200 superdry one. She comes back from their house with air pods, expensive gifts she’s not earnt. They send her parcels to my house of gifts for no reason. They’ve really spoilt her and I’ve spent 16 years trying to fight this and tell them no, I want her to appreciate and value money and earn such things. They don’t listen. She rings them crying and giving a sob story and they go against me every time and rescue her. It’s a no win battle.

we had a big argument 2 weeks ago and she went to her dads. Her dad is loving it as he feels powerful that daughter finally wants him. He takes her to my parents without asking me and they’ve all totally pushed me out I don’t know what to do.
I move house tomorrow and I’ve got her new bedding all sorts hoping she’ll come and she’s not interested.
her dads booked her a holiday this summer and she said “dads booked a holiday something you could never do” and she called me a “hoe”
Ive done everything for this child. She’s told everyone I told her to k i l l herself which isn’t true. She’s made some horrible lies up. And everyone believes her.
she’s 16 in a few weeks do I fight this or wash my hands of it. It sounds awful but I just can’t take it.

my 14 year old has been raised the same and she’s wonderful. She’s helpful in the house. Kind and thoughtful. Amazing at school. However my parents haven’t really bothered with her. She’s been raised just by me. (The girls have different dads)
my 16 years old has been my parents golden egg favourite. No idea why.

they don’t give her any rules or boundaries or jobs nothing. Where as I teach them to be self serving because I’m not going to be here forever. Simple things like sort your laundry. Keep your room clean. Where as my mum treats her like a baby still.

im so stressed and so low. She does have glimpses of niceness. A few months ago she said to me..
mum you always did such a great job even when you was so young with very little. To this ?
what would you do

I feel for you - and her younger sister! As others have said I’d let her stay with her dad or her GP and make sure to tell her she always has a place with you when she wants it, subject to house rules and respectful behaviour.

Then enjoy the lack of drama and give DD2 special time and a few treats while the inevitable fall out occurs with whichever family member DD1 is staying with. The novelty will soon wear off and her true behaviour will come through.

Philippa Perry says the age your child is can often bring you back to the emotional state you were in at that age, which could be a different way to think about what’s going on at the moment. You got on with things brilliantly when you were 16 and probably haven’t had a chance to stop since and reflect on what that was like - maybe now is a moment to do that?

For different reasons, Dsd1 decided she wanted to live with her mum at a similar age. In the end DH agreed. She still had her room and stuff here. After about a year she came back having realised it wasn’t what she’d thought it would be.

So I suggest letting her stay at dad’s but make sure she has her room or proper space if they share, put out the new bedding etc. Keep in touch with her, invite her to things you’d do together but no pressure. She may well come back but even if not having some space may help to improve things anyway.
Good luck

May I add .. at her dad’s she doesn’t have her own room or anything. She is sleeping in bed with her 5 year old sister. (Double bed) in her little sisters bedroom. He’s not set up for her at all

I’ve got to agree with @Cardomomle- disrespectful and disruptive behaviour at school and call your mum a ‘hoe’ is not usual teenage rebellion. It’s on the extreme end and needs taking seriously. What have school suggested @teenmayhem?

Your parents are a main issue as they sound like they are undermining you as her parent. They disregard your wishes and make decisions without informing you. That’s disrespectful to you and is why your DD shows disrespect too. Add in her dad who is enabling this dynamic and it feels validated to her.

It’s a tricky situation but I think all you can do OP whilst she lives away from home is to keep that door of communication open. You could explain that your guidance and choices are helping her grow into a successful and loving adult and that you wouldn’t feel a good parent if you didn’t do these things. Regular reminders of how you still love her but don’t like how she treats you regarding the name calling.

Right. Let her stay there and experience that for a little while.

Take a big step back she currently has you exactly where she wants you. She will realise when she grows up a bit and will come back

So, you’ve not parented wrong, her grandparents haven’t either. She is not spoiled, this is a phase almost all teens go through at some point. Some start earlier, some start later, some go longer, some go quicker

The op has had plenty of good advice but this type of 'it's all normal hun' bs isn't helpful.

No, it's not 'normal' behaviour. No, we don't 'almost all' have teens shouting and swearing at us, refusing to do anything and leaving home at 15.

Absolutely. Normalising offensive behaviour doesn't help anyone.

There sounds like there's a big disconnect between what's going on internally for her and what she's projecting. Especially if she's being completely unreasonable.
Have faith in the relationship you have built with her over the years. She may be aware of how she's being but not feel in command of it. And this might go on for a while. Try not to get triggered and say things you might regret. That way you role model self care and self command.
Is she mirroring her dad's behaviour to you in any respect? Or someone else's?
Whatever you do ensure she knows she can come home and talk with you however bad something is.Don't underestimate how low she might be feeling. Stay the adult. You may be getting the worst behaviour because you are the safe person.
She will most likely come out of it.

OP this is very hard for you. I agree she is too old for you to take her phone away. That won’t help at this stage and probably isn’t possible anyway.

Many 16 year olds (not all) can be horrid. Most come back into the fold eventually. It’s too late I think now to fight your parents’ influence. And her dad seems an exciting choice as he’s not the one who has been present throughout.

Where I do think you are slightly wrong is when you seem to think it’s a choice between fighting it or walking away. I don’t think it’s as polarised as that. Don’t “fight it”. As in don't try to stop her going to her dad’s. But absolutely don’t wash your hands if her either.

Try not to get embroiled in arguments with her. Keep telling her you love her and she has a home with you. Make her room up nicely when you move. Invite her over. Make it clear there is no pressure to stay long. Her behaviour is hurtful of course, but in my view the way to repair your relationship is to keep things low key, but keep communication open.

I really feel for you and hope better times are ahead.

Be more direct. Tell her exactly how you feel about her behaviour. She is rude, entitled and behaving like a spoilt brat. Point out everything you do for her, how disgusting her language is and that if she continues to speak to you with such disrespect she will have none of it. Be clear that she is turning into a really nasty person.

Sometimes you do just have to give it to them both barrels.

I'd have that phone off her and honestly, depending on the attitude I'd either sell it or smash it. She could get a bloody job if she wants another one.

If she won't hand it over, take the chargers. The smug refusal lasts only as long as the battery.

No more favours, no more lifts, no more nice things until she learns to speak to you with a bit of common courtesy.

Let her go to her dad's. I give her 6 months, a year tops before she realises the grass isn't actually greener.

I would just let her get on with it let her move to her. Dad’s let her move to her grandparents.
Let them deal with what youve dealt with, because of their behaviour
She’ll either come back to you or she won’t but nothing you do at this stage is going to influence that

If you haven’t read her book, OP, I would definitely recommend it. You might find it incredibly supportive and healing.

Both things are true - her behaviour is not acceptable, but elements of it (especially directed towards you) are very normal and hormonally driven/part of the separation process. That doesn’t make it easy to live with.

Some of her comments no doubt come directly from the fact that she’s hyper aware that she could not manage being a parent herself just now - and feels herself to be a failure as a result because you did so wonderfully against all the odds.

Life is very long. You have focused on your children for all your young life but you have so much life left ahead of you. There are no wrong choices.

You can stop paying for it though. You dont need her cooperation to do that.

Quite a few posters appear to have missed the fact that the phone is paid for by the GPs. If OP tried to take it that could be construed as theft and would make everything worse.

Much better to let her live with dad and develop a better relationship with her.

Let her stay at her dad's but let her know you would prefer her home, that she can always come back, and that you love her. She will most likely come back when the novelty has worn off. Don't engage with any of the power plays, just get on with your life and caring for your younger daughter as best you can. You're not failing her here, you're doing your best as it's clear you've always done. I know it's hard (I can't even imagine how hurt you are) and your parents sound interfering and frankly intolerable but just don't engage with it if possible. A lot of your daughter's behaviour is normal and a lot of growing up have had the fantasy of a different home life and family life, even people with perfectly nice lives. She's got a dad and grandparents who indulge her which makes it more difficult I know.

That's their problem.
Clearly they're banking on this not being long term, so they are messing her around.
You need to let them get on with it and she has to learn to be careful what she wishes for.

Send her to live with your parents or her Dad. Her behaviour is appalling. Let them deal with her. Always keep the door open for her to return, but only if she can treat you with respect.

I think you need to step back, this situation has become toxic. Let her live with her dad for a bit she will soon learn it’s not all sunshine and rainbows there. Keep in touch with her and keep inviting her over or to meet you somewhere neutral, remind her you love her and she always has space to move back home.
Hopefully as she grows up you can build a healthier relationship with her

Did you read the OP? She has spoken to her parents endlessly.

she’s 16 in a few weeks do I fight this or wash my hands of it. It sounds awful but I just can’t take it.

Neither.
It doesn’t need to be all or nothing.

She needs love and attention like all teens but she’s also being a little madam.

Shes chosen to live with her dad - great.
Ask her if she wants you to drop any of her stuff off for her.

Do not make it so her or her dad think you’re desperate for her back but also don’t make it seem like she’s not welcome at your home.

When she eventually gets bored with sharing a room and dad isn’t as fun as he makes out, she’ll want to come back - that’s when you set rules from the get go.

Regarding her birthday, just ask her what she wants to do for it and assume that she’s spending the actual day with her dad.

You have just swapped with her dad.
Let him be the one to have to deal with her day to day and set the rules, whilst you get to see her and have just the fun.

This sounds like the best thing for everyone and I really think it will eventually heal your relationship.

I could have written this post myself 20 years ago. I was a young mum at 18 years old. I completely understand what you’re going through. My mum would spoil my daughter rotten and there were no boundaries at her house. Her Dad wasn’t on the scene at all. I had 2 younger boys as well who were no problem. My daughter was an awful teenager and I really thought she hated me. She was referred to CAMHS and we had a meeting and I’d had enough and said she could go live with my mum. But said I loved her, I would always be there for her and she would always have a home with us. I reinforced I was her mum, not my mum. She never did go and live with my mum. We got through it. We’re the best of friends now. When I see what she writes in my Mother’s Day card and how she spoils me now I can’t believe she was that horrible teenager. I really hope you get through this stage and it gets better for you. Remain strong and one day she will appreciate you.

OP, let her stay with him and your parents.
Drop the rope.
Her behaviour is absolutely disgraceful and calling you a Hoe is really shocking.

I think you should email the school and fill them in, that she is living with her father and your parents are involved and despite your best efforts they continue to undermine you at every turn.

Move house and take the peace.
It sounds as if you have done your best.
Stop chasing her.
She knows where you are.
It will do your 14 year old good to have a break from the chaos.

FWIW my niece did the exact same thing.

She moved in with her dad who had previously only seen her on weekends and was a Disney dad and would slate my sisters parenting constantly.

The first few weeks were great as he treated her like a princess, buying her anything she wanted, letting her do whatever she wanted, even did things like buy her alcohol because he was so desperate to be the cool dad.

A few weeks later he was fed up with her behaviour and she realised he wasn’t as fun or loving as he made out.

He was telling her she needs to go back to her mums and telling my sister that she needs to have her live at hers - essentially kicking her out.
My sister obviously welcomed her back with open arms but laid down ground rules.

My niece definitely realised how good she had it at her mums.