AIBU to resent mum for shielding 37-year-old brother living at home?

[PeonyPatch]

37 yo older brother still living at home, contributing very little to my mother’s mortgage & bills, not doing any cleaning or housework.

meanwhile I’m married, with mortgage, 50/50 with my husband.

it’s made me resent my mum. She’s admitted to me she’s protecting him as doesn’t feel he’s able to support himself. He also has a disabled daughter he doesn’t see and pays child maintenance for. Can’t help but feel he’s felt no consequences to his choices/actions and my mum is disproportionately shielding him.

aibu?

You’re not being unreasonable but really
you have to pity him, it’s not life to lead.

Are you happy with your life? Is your mum happy with hers? I think those are the things to consider. If your mum isn’t feeling taken advantage of, then let everyone get on with the choices they’ve made. You can’t police how other people live their lives.

Does he have any disabilities? If he does that changes things!

On the surface, if he’s totally able - then it seems like she’s just enabling his behaviour (not seeing his child, not supporting himself) etc. But that’s her choice surely 🤷🏻‍♀️ you can resent it but if that’s how she wants to live her life and he’s happy with it, I’d just let it go on. Resenting won’t change anything and will bring in negativity to your life by dwelling on it - make your life so amazing that you don’t care about the way others live theirs.

Whilst it's annoying... its your mums decision. Your lives are not comparable in any way. You are married and have created your own family unit. You can rely on your husband. Your brother can't.
It's probably a bit of company for them both also.

Does he work? Your mum needs to be firmer and set a reasonable contribution to the household or give him a date to move out.

Maybe she likes having him around?

It sounds as though you've built a successful, independent life for yourself, with a partner, so that's something you should be proud of. I'd focus on that tbh.

Nah, I also resent women who enable men to be useless selfish lumps.

My advice is to just focus on your own life (which is probably happier and more fulfilling than either your brother’s or your mum’s) and if you ever have a son, try to do a better job than your mum, for the sake of the next generation.

It would be a great pity if you let your mum's treatment of your brother spoil your relationship with her. He could be struggling in ways you don't know of. Even if not, she's only being a mother and this is the kind of thing you would regret making her suffer for when she's no longer with you.

Why? Maybe the OP's mum likes the company and doesn't need the money

She doesn’t “need” to. Plenty of parents wouldn’t charge their adult children rent. Personally I don’t think she’s doing him any favours, and between him and OP I know which position I’d rather be in!

But the mother isn’t suddenly going to do that. She hasn’t asked the OP for advice about how to get rid of him.

If she has admitted to you that she's doing it for practical reasons, could you sit down and have a chat with her about the costs?

Don’t blame you. He’s a freeloader and she’s enabling that. Is he guilting her into believing that he’s less capable/ more needy? Some people manipulate others by playing the victim role to elicit sympathy/ an easy life

There is lots of single women who live with their parents

And apart from jealousy the mother is not complaining so why are ypu trying to interfere?

oh, she needs the money. She’s struggling, and has to work a lot

This is what I think

I think you should just focus on your own life and what you have achieved - after all, you don't wish you were the one living with your mum, I doubt?

I think Yabu because unless you mum is asking you for help/ is the victim of financial abuse etc, it is their business.

Unfortunately as frustrating as it is, your mum is the only one who can change this.

I'd be worried though that your mum or brother are expecting you to take him in when your mum is no longer around. That would be a boundary you can set now with both of them.

unless your mother has stated otherwise she probably does feel she benefits from the company and purpose.
Whilst i can understand your feelings id not be resentful or jealous of the situation its sad really. It's not done your brother any favours. One day she won't be there and he may feel very overwhelmed and lack the support he needs.

What did your brother say when you asked him why he’s a being a cheeky freeloader and taking the piss out of your mum?

Why, whenever a man does something wrong, it’s always the woman’s fault because she allowed it?

How do I know she isn’t the victim of financial abuse?

How do you know she is?

What she is doing is actually a pretty normal act for parents. Specifically for their bachelor sons.

It’s both their faults imo. He can’t support himself and has never learnt how to. Hes almost 40 years old and hasn’t learnt proper responsibilities, not even looking after his own child. My mum has molly coddled him too much. It’s impacted my relationship with her and I’ve lost respect for her.

I agree that for her own sake, the OP should focus on the fact she’s living a better life, takes responsibility for herself and her choices. However, this isn’t a binary situation: it’s entirely reasonable that as well as that, she thinks it’s totally wrong that her brother is using their mum like this to avoid taking responsibility for himself