AIBU to resent mum for shielding 37-year-old brother living at home?

[PeonyPatch]

37 yo older brother still living at home, contributing very little to my mother’s mortgage & bills, not doing any cleaning or housework.

meanwhile I’m married, with mortgage, 50/50 with my husband.

it’s made me resent my mum. She’s admitted to me she’s protecting him as doesn’t feel he’s able to support himself. He also has a disabled daughter he doesn’t see and pays child maintenance for. Can’t help but feel he’s felt no consequences to his choices/actions and my mum is disproportionately shielding him.

aibu?

You are being aggressive and unhelpful

She does

yes, she does cook for him and she does all the cleaning. She often talks to me about how much she has to do. He doesn’t lift a finger. It’s hard and taxing to empathise with someone who has not clamped down on bullying and abuse in the past

What is it exactly you think she should or could do? You say your brother is autistic, has a job and pays her a couple of hundred a month.
It sounds like your mum is reluctant to downsize and doesn't manage her money well, which is of her own doing. She could could buy a small two bed and still house your brother if she wanted to.

Edited as read more of OP posts

I agree. If he didn't live with his mother, she'd still have to pay the mortgage, pay the bills (maybe they'd be a little less but probably not substantial), still be behind in her council tax, still have to cook and clean for herself.

He buys his own food and gives a couple of hundred toward living arrangements as well as paying maintenance.

The amount of people in here defending adult freeloaders taking the piss out of their elderly parents is amazing. No adult approaching forty should be having their mums run after them like a servant and not even contribute.

Precisely.

She’s admitted to me she’s protecting him as doesn’t feel he’s able to support himself.

What’s your point of view on this OP? Does she have a point or would he of course support himself if he had to, like the rest of us learned to?

If she demanded a contribution of say £700 towards bills and mortgage (and if he was unwilling would have to move out), how do you think he’d react?

If it’s just abject laziness, I understand why you’re annoyed. My brother has complex mental illness (to the point I’m sure I’ll have to be his carer in some form when my parents pass), but even he has managed to live independently for the past 6 years.

I get that it's annoying you because you are having to work for a living and support yourself and you see your brother as having a free ride, but you are really coming across as bitter and angry when you really don't need to be.

As many posters have said, surely you are much better off with having your independence away from your mother. If she suddenly died your brother would be stuck. He wouldn't be able to live off her any longer, and would have to buck up his ideas... He would struggle to be alone, and no woman is going to want to take on a middle aged man who has only ever lived with his mum! You are definitely in the better position!

I would much rather be you than him, Indeed, I am you - as I have been independent since the age of 22, and have had my own place since the age of 24. (Well, my own place with DH!) Actually I left home or a short while at 20, and had my own flat for about 16 months before coming back home because I was genuinely lonely living alone. I met DH not long after I gave up my flat, and a year or so later I moved in with him into a rented flat, before buying our first home some 2 years later.

Basically @PeonyPatch it's your mother's choice if she wants to let your brother keep on living at home, even at nearly 40. It's likely that it's benefitting them both. It's always easier living with someone else than it is alone, despite some posters on Mumsnet claiming they are blissfully happy living alone. Just make sure that if/when she becomes immobile, and needs care and someone to run around after her, she (and your brother) don't come running to you expecting you to do it. He can do it.

Try and let go of the resentment and anger, it's not healthy. I wish you all the best...

I wondered how long it would take before autism was trotted out….because of course any freeloading, abusive, poorly behaved twat with no friends and a refusal to consider others and perform basic tasks MUST be autistic. 🙄🙄.

Yes that is bad

i also think it sounds like she is enabling him to be lazy

he should pay his way and help out

perhaps she likes the company but surely if scuppers her single resident council tax discount having him there

tired of people thinking im somehow the luckier one

I don’t think that luck rather than ambition/hard work had much to do with it but I certainly know which sibling I’d rather be.

He should resent you, not the other way around. You have the life that he (should) want. In your shoes I would probably pity him, but other than that, I wouldn't give it headspace. Focus on yourself and living your life.

He’ll be left her house one day too, or at least with life-time residency. Your mum will probably say ‘but you have a house’ even though you don’t until you’ve finished paying for it and you’ve worked all those years to be able to achieve that.

I’m in your situation OP, my DSis is 50 and living at home with her 14 yo son. My DSis has been giving life-time residency - nothing wrong with her, just couldn’t be bothered to work and contribute to society. I’ll get my share when I’m about 80/90. What use is that to me then!

You are not being unreasonable to feel resentment towards your mum. I certainly do.

To be fair to the OP, is she thinks her brother may be autistic, she's probably better placed to judge this than you or anyone else.

Is she a clinician in the field of ND conditions then?

Are you?

And if you are, have you met her brother?

Not really the point @JipJup . We dont need to meet her brother to know that only a clinical expert in the field can diagnose autism.

The OP didn't diagnose anything.

Have you actually read what she said about her brother?

You need therapy to separate yourself from their dynamics, your mum unburdens herself to you and then fobs you off when you advise her.
She bought a bigger house instead of downsizing, she has continually infantiled him so he doesn’t have any responsibility nor has to face up to anything and has never protected you from his abuse.
There is a lot of anger to unpick but as soon as she moans I’d keep nipping it the bud and say it’s nothing to do with you.

Your father died a few years ago, yes? And your brother has always lived at home. So presumably this situation was also going on when your father was still alive. Also the bullying and abuse you suffered from your brother when you were younger must have taken place while your father was still on the scene. Is that right? So did he do nothing to clamp down on your brother's behaviour either?

I am not trying to condone your mother's passive acceptance of this situation, but it sounds like she may not be solely responsible for creating it. Your father must have had a hand in things too and it has been going on so long she is stuck.

Might your mother be scared of him?

Yes it did go on then too - he didn’t do much to clamp down. They just tried to support him but imo they weren’t teaching him consequences to his actions. And now we’re here. I moved out from a young age as I couldn’t cope with it. It ruined my relationship with my parents.

OP I think it's time to drop the rope and take a step back (as big a step as you feel you can). It's hard when you don't have the mother you need/want, but you can't change her, and she isn't going to have some forehead slapping, Road to Damascus moment where she changes for herself.

It's like ripping the plaster off quickly - it hurts at the time but it's over, rather than it being a constant source of pain. Enjoy the life you've made with the people who love you and let your mum and DB go from your head.

I don’t think it’s as easy as that. This is my mum. I also come from a very small family, and have only a handful of friends with their own lives other than my DH. If it was as easy as letting go and walking away, I don’t think I’d have needed to make this thread. Interestingly though, I had come to a similar conclusion to you and suggested no/low contact to my mum. She’s now panicked in response.