AIBU to resent mum for shielding 37-year-old brother living at home?

[PeonyPatch]

37 yo older brother still living at home, contributing very little to my mother’s mortgage & bills, not doing any cleaning or housework.

meanwhile I’m married, with mortgage, 50/50 with my husband.

it’s made me resent my mum. She’s admitted to me she’s protecting him as doesn’t feel he’s able to support himself. He also has a disabled daughter he doesn’t see and pays child maintenance for. Can’t help but feel he’s felt no consequences to his choices/actions and my mum is disproportionately shielding him.

aibu?

Given that she's not going to fundamentally change, what would a positive development look like here, do you think? Stopping her from talking to you about the money and cleaning?

You want to have a relationship with mum that’s not overshadowed by your brother, so you can go round her house or meet up without the conversation always stuck on him. He might as well be there with you both yakking away so no one else can get a word in!
Does your mum show any interest in you? Your life? Or is it all one sided? Is the conversation all about her, your brother and her woes? If so that’s the real issue!
If you had a ‘friend’ who wasn’t interested in you and just met up with you to unload her problems then you would quickly realise she wasn’t a friend at all.

What will happen if DM gets ill or dies (she will eventually) how would he manage - you could try taking that angle with her -he needs to be able to live independently

Exactly my point. Hes almost 40 and not living independently. There’s no encouraging him to do this. She’s simply housing him and letting his issues continue, whatever they are. It brings back feelings of how she brushed under the carpet the way he treated me when I lived at home. It’s classic burying your head under the sand…

I think some people really do just struggle to live a normal independent life. Don't resent your mum, be glad that you can handle life better than your brother

My ex stayed living at home till he was nearly 40. He said to me, why would I want to leave I have everything I need here. We were in an on/ off relationship and we share a child. I left him for good when we were made homeless and I asked him to get a place with us (I wasn't working at the time, he was, and I was unable to easily find a tenancy that would accept housing benefit) and he said no. He couldn't offer us a place to stay as his family didn't like me. Looking back on the relationship I think it's possible he is autistic. But he really was babied by his mum and gran, he would not make his own phone calls or answer the door to takeaway delivery drivers for example

Thank you for sharing. I am intrigued what made you decide to have a child with him?

I think the babying by elders is a real problem.

Did you read my previous posts? Seems you haven’t.

You are aware that 'next of kin' has no legal standing, I hope? I'm not sure who your mum has told that you are NOK but should she ever require a Mental Health Act Assessment your brother who lives with her will legally be her 'nearest relative' and be named on official forms.
I think you are right, you would benefit from therapy to help you to accept that your mum is allowed to make her own choices, even if you (and 1/2 the western world) consider those choices to be unwise.

Why have you never made any effort to get to know your niece?

It would only piss me off if she was leaving the house solely to him? My 40 year old brother lives with my mum but that’s so he can still live the Peter Pan lifestyle and spend all his money on himself with fewer bills. He works.

Whats the plan when your mum dies?

Your mum really isn't doing him any favours. That's pretty embarrassing 😮

Yes, I think you are. Your mum has made a choice that suits her. She obviously feels the companionship she gets from him is worth the work he causes her and the extra expense. Which is for her to decide. He's way past the age when his mother can be blamed for his inadequacies. So any failures on his part are on him, so judge him for them.
If your mother is a decent woman who cares for you, there's no need for every single choice she makes to win your approval. You can disagree with her relationship with your brother without letting that define your relationship with her.

Excuse me? I have no relationship with my brother. Why would I be meeting his daughter? Also the courts are involved due to accusations of abuse. I’ve never met his ex partner. I have nothing to do with them. That’s not on me, so wind your neck in.

No idea. Have asked for clarity now.

You can disagree with her relationship with your brother without letting that define your relationship with her.

I somewhat disagree when he’s responsible for abuse towards me (and quite possibly her, but unable to currently assess). I think that does go quite far in defining our relationship as it’s had a major impact on me.

Her mother can make her own plans for who inherits the house... I'm not sure why this would be relevant?

Would you like to be in his shoes? Living with mum unable to support yourself aged nearly 40?

Assuming not, forget about it and be proud of what you’ve achieved, celebrate your development and be grateful to all those who helped you achieve it (spoiler alert, you didn’t achieve it alone 🤣).

Sure, I’ll just “forget about it”

thanks. I’ve never had such helpful advice before, so enlightening.

(and flippant)

She can, of course. But it is wholly relevant…

@BudgetBuster

It is absolutely relevant. If my mother was leaving her whole house towards a lazy arse man child/brother, who couldn’t be arsed to adult and whom she enabled, I think I would have a right to be pissed off as her adult daughter.

Sorry, but I’m not into financial handouts to men who couldn’t be arsed to function in society, whilst the woman gets piss all.

But this is mumsnet aka an alternative universe so your reply is wholly predictable.

There are a lot of mums doing the same for their useless sons. It’s infuriating I agree. It’s a very sad way to live.

How is it relevant...?

Yes, the mother has enabled her son. Why would this stop now? And would you honestly not have a relationship with your mother if she wanted to leave her assets to one spouse over you... if you had a whole family and husband and a house of your own?

The OP clearly doesn't want a relationship with her family. But don't blame how the mother chooses to spread her assets on that.

@BudgetBuster

Because giving only one child financial help after your death, and excluding the other makes you a shit mum who clearly had a favourite. She can do what she wants with it of course but it would most certainly highlight the current dysfunctional dynamic. That’s why I would want to know now if I was the OP.