AIBU to resent mum for shielding 37-year-old brother living at home?

[PeonyPatch]

37 yo older brother still living at home, contributing very little to my mother’s mortgage & bills, not doing any cleaning or housework.

meanwhile I’m married, with mortgage, 50/50 with my husband.

it’s made me resent my mum. She’s admitted to me she’s protecting him as doesn’t feel he’s able to support himself. He also has a disabled daughter he doesn’t see and pays child maintenance for. Can’t help but feel he’s felt no consequences to his choices/actions and my mum is disproportionately shielding him.

aibu?

So this is the real issue then, he was abusive towards you yet your mum is supporting him in all areas of life. How did your mum deal with his abusive behaviour towards you, was she the type to expect it to be swept under the rug, urging you to move on as that's just how he is, and you're do good at coping, the usual avoidance script.

Your mum has created the dynamics through her own needs, she hasn’t ever let go of the apron strings. She created a man child who doesn’t take responsibility of himself because she wants to be needed so she is forever parenting a child.
I’d be on my hands and knees thankful you managed to fly the nest because you’re the lucky one.
When your mum dies he will flounder and find it very hard because she has deliberately cushioned him from adulthood.

Please read my other posts. I don’t have a relationship with him due to history of abuse. He’s lot allowed to see his own daughter due to abuse towards the mother. Mum houses him as he cannot support himself but feel she’s enabled it, and he’s living life with no consequences. I am resentful as it’s affected my relationship with my mum. I cannot visit as he’s there and he makes me uncomfortable.
I don’t have children yet but I worry about how I’ll manage their relationship with their grandma? I won’t let them go round her house…

This is exactly it. I am proud of all I have achieved, but I’ve had to be the independent, responsible and capable one from a young age. I’m thankful for where I am. However, I do worry a lot about the future. I do feel she’s enabled him. It does concern me as I’ll likely be responsible for her when she ages etc.

My brother is similar to that. Almost 40, part time minimum wage job and no friends. It’s not my business and I’m happy in my own life. I wouldn’t want a life like that. I’m not in the slightest but resentful but do feel bad for him.

Yep, that’s exactly what happened. All swept under the rug… continues to avoid and hide it even now. I honestly feel like moving far far away. DH and I have spoken about it and we probably will. I find it hard acting normal with her. Things are far from normal ? I’m just expected to get on with life as if nothings happened or continues to happen

I think you’re imagining things. Has anyone said he’ll be your responsibility? Of course he isn’t. Just say no if you’re ever asked. I certainly won’t be looking after my capable adult bother.

There are two parts to this - the financial and behavioural.

On the financial, is your mother asking for help from you? She needs to figure out a reasonable contribution - bills, council tax, utilities, and is paid first before your brother buys his games or makes his investments. If brother contributes to mortgage that may leave him in line to inherit. I’d have a conversation around how the house is her retirement and care pot.

On the behavioural, I’d focus on the relationship with your mum. Can you meet at a local cafe or go to a hobby together instead of being at her home. If she asks why you don’t go round, be factual - I have no interest in having any relationship with brother and find his presence harmful.

I would prepare yourself for the possibility that yes, she will indeed give him everything, whether she's been coerced or would do it voluntarily. So your focus needs to be on making sure you don't get lumbered with him in any way.

The relationship is called emotional incest, he fitted in with her needs and you didn’t because you were too independent.
As your mum ages you won’t be able to care for her as your brother will guard her and be abusive towards you to keep you away.

She currently visits my house on a weekly basis. This is the thing, I see her regularly. We do go out and do things, but for some reason, as times gone on, I have become resentful that I can’t go to my own mother’s house for a roast dinner for example. I’m not looking for a lot here.

Finanvially, I do feel I need to sit down with her and discuss a will - like how will her finances be managed if anything happens to her? She has told me I am her next of kin.

My husband I are going to be doing our wills this year so maybe that’s why I’m thinking about it all. It does cause me a lot of anxiety, I’m not going to lie.

You don't actually have to manage any of her finances if anything happens to her. I know it's not a pleasant thought, but it is very much one of the options.

Have you thought of asking them both how DB will cope when DM dies or becomes too infirm to look after him?

That’s a lot of projection!

My Reading of it is the OP resents the assumption that if you strive to be independent rather than a burden, if you work hard, pay your own way, build and maintain successful relationships …. you’re somehow just ‘lucky’. Whereas if you’re the opposite, you’re automatically deserving of sympathy, bankrolling and an easy life.

It’s terrible parenting when your behaviour favours the offspring who make poor choices, or don’t work hard (and I mean work hard in the broad sense, not just educationally or in the world of work, but when it comes to building and maintaining relationships, contributing to the community etc)

Exactly. I’ve come across this term as well. My dad passed away s few years ago so feel that emotional incest has only become worse as she likely now uses him to deal with her loneliness or as a bit of a surrogate partner. In reality, he is just flouncing her.
I do get that their relationship is none of my business really, but in a family system, it kind of does indirectly affect me as well. I need to know how to manage it. I feel sad that it’s affected how I see my own mother, who I wish to have a positive relationship wit. I’ve tried talking to her countless times about how it makes me feel but she constantly fobs me off and makes excuses. I’ve started to dislike her even. It’s complicated. Deffo need therapy I think.

And again it comes down to finances and inheritance

Same boat here. My brother is 39 though. He doesn’t contribute anything and is actually fairly abusive to my mum. He ruins most Christmas days as well because mum won’t leave him on his own but he will torment her until the last minute as to whether he’ll come with her to ours.

Thank you @crossedlines i feel heard and seen by you…

Shes probably caused him to be like this. But if shes happy and hes happy then leave them to it?
I hope you have attempted to be or are in contact with your niece before judging them?

Erm no it doesn’t. It’s affected my relationship with my mum… my biggest, core relationship in my life, no? It’s not simply about finances and inheritance.

I have never met them.

Similar here. It causes a lot of issues at Christmas time.

you have lost respect for her?
it is probably not that, it is more you are jealous, good old sibling rivalry

I think there’s two things here. Firstly you feel he is mooching off your mum and she’s allowing it, maybe because she can’t stand up to him, or because it benefits them both. Her with having someone there, him financially.
Secondly, and I think the crux of the matter, is that he was abusive to you and she didn’t support you when this happened and continues to support him instead.

So what happens? I’ve a lot of anxiety about it as it was very stressful for my mum when my dad died.