AIBU to resent mum for shielding 37-year-old brother living at home?

[PeonyPatch]

37 yo older brother still living at home, contributing very little to my mother’s mortgage & bills, not doing any cleaning or housework.

meanwhile I’m married, with mortgage, 50/50 with my husband.

it’s made me resent my mum. She’s admitted to me she’s protecting him as doesn’t feel he’s able to support himself. He also has a disabled daughter he doesn’t see and pays child maintenance for. Can’t help but feel he’s felt no consequences to his choices/actions and my mum is disproportionately shielding him.

aibu?

No he died a few years ago

As far as I’m aware he does currently…

You will drive yourself nuts stressing over something you cannot control. It is clearly not a healthy situation but they must each get something out of it so leave them to it.

Just be careful he doesn't latch onto you when your mum is gone.

Thank you @Macinae What I will say has been hugely helpful in creating this thread is the contributions from people who find themselves in similar situations so thank you very much. As it stands, no one in my group of friends or in my family has this kind of dynamic or situation, so I’ve no one to talk to about it.

Why don't you read comments properly before accusing people of making 'horrible' comments?

I'll say it again...

If you think your mother might be the victim of financial abuse, then your thread title IS abhorrent.

I’ve tried that approach. It doesn’t lead to anything. My mum is too soft. That’s why she’s in the position she’s in now. She has told me for years she’ll be asking him to move out, but we are in 2026 now and another year has passed where they’re both in exactly the same position. It’s actually beginning to annoy me that she complains about money troubles when she effectively has someone lodging at home that doesn’t pay his way. She told me oh but at least he pays for his own food. I choose not to talk about it with her now and I don’t have any sympathy for her when it comes to money. She lives in a big house that she recently bought and still has a mortgage on when she could’ve easily downsized, but it’s her life.

I read it, no need to repeat it @JipJup

Same here. It's easy for other people to tell you to mind your business and that it doesn't concern you but it absolutely does if there's an assumption that you will take on the burden of a sibling when your parents pass or if it's impacting your relationship with your own parents. You've mentioned therapy which I think would be really good for you. Sending hugs

So you read that I said your thread title is abhorrent but decided to reply "So no, I am not abhorrent"?

Strange.

Agreed. Even my own mum has said it’s none of my business. Well tbh, it is all the time I’m still a part of the family, and I’m her next of kin!

Would you feel better if you reduced or stopped contact with your mum? She seems to have favoured your brother throughout your childhood and beyond and allowed him to abuse you with no consequences.

Whatever you do, don't feel obligated to provide her with a lot of help and support as she ages as I'm sure your brother won't provide any care or support.

The answer is then being clear to mother that either she wants your help on coming up with a plan she will do, or you opt fully out of the discussion.
She can’t whinge about him freeloading and then say it’s none of your business.
She also can’t say butt out but then expect you to be the backstop if anything happens to her.

Her mum doesn't need to do anything she doesn't want to do.

Yes, good reply. I have tried to reduce contact but she’s overly overly nice to me when she texts me or meets up with me to the point that it winds me up. I know she’s trying god bless her, but I can’t help my feelings. DH doesn’t understand and shouts at me. I’ve been thinking about no contact recently, and asking her to make my brother her next of kin.

Exactly this. It’s confusing, and really affecting my mental health tbh

I think this is ultimately how it has to be approached. Which obviously will be very hard on you, but I suspect less so than the alternative.

Perhaps next time she brings up her money issues, say something like ‘we have discussed this before, you are supporting a grown man living rent free in your home. You need to address this with him as 2 adults responsible for the situation.’ Then move on and repeat.

Every time she brings up money troubles “we have already spoken about this mum, until brother starts pulling his weight in his housework & paying his share of the bills I don’t want to hear about it. You know what you need to do, I cannot do it for you.” Rinse & repeat.

Of course you can help your feelings. What do you actually want from the relationship with your mother? It is entirely separate to her relationship with your brother. You can’t require her to throw him out of her house or you’ll cut contact with her. Well, you can, obviously, but is issuing that kind of ultimatum going to help you any? She would be quite mad to allow you to put restrictions on her treatment of someone else in order to have a relationship with you.

She needs to make an LPOA
https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

Does she know he abused you OP?

You are the luckier one in the long run although I understand why it doesn’t feel like that and why you feel resentful. Your brother does seem to have been enabled by your mother and that’s not good for him. Was he bullying to you as a child because that’s where she should have clamped down on it? Bullying, entitled children are likely to be abusive adults.

However, who wants to be a babied, entitled adult? It’s an awful place to be. All the work you do and the responsibilities you take on help to build your self esteem and competence. It’s sounds tough for you right now but it will pay off in the longer term.

Ignore some of the people on here undermining you. Mumsnet is absolutely plagued with people these days who either have an incredibly weird view of the world or are just sniping at the OP for sport. No one would IRL think it’s normal for a 37 year old adult to be subsidised by their older, financially struggling parent.

But you can’t change people’s behaviour OP. It will only frustrate and upset you. Don’t get into conversations with your mother about how she is struggling financially. Just say something like ‘mum, you know the solution but you won’t do it so there’s no point in discussing it ‘. She is actually harming your brother for her own reasons - doesn’t want to be on her own? - but is convincing herself that it’s helping him. Ultimately it isn’t.

She’s admitted to me she’s protecting him as doesn’t feel he’s able to support himself.

Not able to support himself in what way? Financially or practically? Or both?

Your Mum is clearly subsidising his life style but is she also doing everything for him in terms of cooking and cleaning and so on?

When you have these conversations with her have you ever tried asking her what she thinks will happen to him when she can no longer provide him with a home? Make it quite, quite clear that you will not be doing anything for him.