AIBU to resent mum for shielding 37-year-old brother living at home?

[PeonyPatch]

37 yo older brother still living at home, contributing very little to my mother’s mortgage & bills, not doing any cleaning or housework.

meanwhile I’m married, with mortgage, 50/50 with my husband.

it’s made me resent my mum. She’s admitted to me she’s protecting him as doesn’t feel he’s able to support himself. He also has a disabled daughter he doesn’t see and pays child maintenance for. Can’t help but feel he’s felt no consequences to his choices/actions and my mum is disproportionately shielding him.

aibu?

@BudgetBuster

I would be disgusted if my mother behaved like that to be honest and yes I would cut contact. The act of giving only to one child is an utter disgrace. One could only feel abandoned if that happened. I most certainly would cut contact. It would be a no from me and that would be my boundary. Make of that what you will. I have no time for Mother’s who enable adult sons in such a sycophantic way. The money only highlights that.

As I said my 40 year old brother remains at home because he gets to live the Peter Pan life he wants too. My mother is splitting the house equally though between us all. Obviously, because that’s what sane and good parents do. So for me personally I’m not triggered by him living there but then I was not abused by him like the OP.

Yes, but tbh it sounds like the OP doesn't actually like her mum anyway.

I would personally be mortified texting my mother to ask her the contents of her will on a random Monday (when the woman is still young enough to be out working).

And if my child sent me that text... I'd probably ensure she wasn't included in it.

@BudgetBuster

Personally I’ve never had to ask. Money is no secret in my family. My mum is 63, so not old, but she has most certainly told us of her plans to split her home equally. It is something she wanted us all to know as adults. That’s assuming she doesn’t need care of course, but her intention is very much to divide equally.

I don’t see it as an odd thing to ask your parents to be honest.

Are you effing for real? It’s my mother

I don't know I was only 17 and wasn't responsible

I am similar to you I think. My 38yo brother still lives at home with parents (but does contribute). I don't think it's ideal tbh and he'll be in for a shock if anything ever happened to him. But like you my parents have always been vocal about how whatever is left will be split equally and if my brother can't buy me out of my share of the house he has a certain timeframe before it is put up for sale (I have my own house).

But that's clearly not the case here for the OPs family. They have a very stained relationship as it is. The OP told her mother over the weekend that she wanted to go low contact with her and then randomly asks today what she's getting in her mother's will? It wasn't a normal conversation...

I have read them now

@BudgetBuster

Yes, I see your point. I think low contact may be a good start. Not sure where that leaves the OP with an inheritance but I guess that’s not the priority then.

Sounds like there’s a lot going on. Abuse by the brother that was swept under the carpet etc. It may be OP, that you really might need to go low/no contact if there’s huge resentments that cannot be fixed. Best of luck.

Thank you @TheHouse i feel you really understand how I feel - more than most. It’s actually not just about the money, it’s the whole dynamic. Dysfunctional is the word. I’ve asked my husband to advocate on my behalf now as I feel too upset to interact with my mum. I don’t think people realise that this isn’t something I can just ignore. It’s such a crucial relationship, and to suggest that is incredibly dismissive, minimising and unhelpful

@PeonyPatch

It is crucial and it is hard to ignore. Hard to implement boundaries etc. I really do think some therapy would be helpful whilst you try and navigate moving forward. Before it eats you up inside, which I believe it might do. It can become all encompassing.

You may also want to read certain books around boundaries and family systems. 🌺

Really it's your Mum's choice, do you really want to be so flaky your Mum thinks you need shielding?
You have a life, your brother doesn't really- you need to be satisfied with that, what do you want from your Mum to bring you equal with your brother?
It seems to me your Mum has raised 2 children who have problems with being grown up.

Do you think a good part of your resentment towards your mum may be about the fact your brother was so awful to you and yet she breaks her back still to baby him? It probably feels a bit disloyal in a way.
It’s ridiculous, the way she has treated him and certainly the way he treats her is pathetic, but as many have said, what a sad little life he leads… and by association, so does she!

I'm sure your mum doesn't want this life for either her or your brother so stop blaming her and have a bit of empathy. As someone with a similar (much younger) adult DS at home, it's very much more difficult than you think.

I actually molly coddle my other DS much more, and he's almost finished uni so you can't blame that.

This is it !!

Did your similar son abuse his sibling while you ignored it? If not, hopefully you can see why that might be a relevant factor when it comes to empathy levels.

@MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend

Why would the OP give her mother more empathy when her own abuse by the brother was swept under the carpet?

It is actually the OP who requires empathy and by the sounds of things, has probably never really had it. If your mum has ignored abuse or carpet swept it, that’s a very deep wound. She most certainly doesn’t need to be enabling her mother now. Sounds like the OP is going through the “waking up out of the fog” stage.

I think there is a lot going on and that the OP is confusing feelings and actions after a tough weekend of thinking.

It sounds like a tough relationship but the OP is mixing up feelings of disdain toward her no-contact brother (understandable), expecting her mother to stop parenting him (less understandable because he's near 40 and this has always been the way, it isn't going to change), hatred toward her mother for not abandoning her brother. These are all things that the OP needs to work through and probably a big dose of therapy.

To then jump to asking "well what's my inheritance"... there's a lot more the OP needs to deal with before considering that.

Having read through your posts OP I have a lot of sympathy as I’m also in a similar position. My siblings though are not abusive, my heart goes out to them instead as they are genuinely trapped by my mother and despite many interventions, it has gotten worse.

I have to put the blame at your mum more than your brother as she is enabling the behaviour. It sounds like emotional incest. I was treated so different to my brothers but I’m not a replacement husband material my mother wants.

The plot thickens as I’ve just found out he’s on police bail

What is the alternative? He clearly can’t manage alone. Autistic, depressed, struggling to function, isolated. It does sound like he needs his mum. I can see how that would piss you off, but realistically what can be done?

Support worker? Council house? Prison?

Is that because of how he treated his child or something else?

I think you need counselling OP to figure out your feelings. This thread is goading you into taking dramatic action that will have life-long consequences.

You say you see your mum weekly but are now thinking about going no-contact. You say you've now told her this and she's panicking, but you say you've also asked for clarity about who will inherit the house.

Kindly, there's a lot going on here.

I understand it's a difficult situation as you have issues with your brother. But it also sounds as if perhaps your mum enjoys having someone in the house.

I think it's unfair that you are judging her for indulging your brother and say that you're "losing respect" for her. I think that's harsh. You say you don't have children yet but it sounds as if you're planning on it - imagine that when you do, your mum threatens to cut you off because she thinks your parenting your children in the wrong way... That would be outrageous and yet that's what you're suggesting now.

It sounds as if your mum - and previously your dad - knew that your brother couldn't cope out in the world, for whatever reason. You dislike him so you want him to have a hard life and to deal with the consequences of his actions. Parental love and sibling love is very different. Many parents might struggle to see their child having a hard time when they could help them - siblings won't necessarily feel the same way, nor feel the same obligation.

Aside from the issues with your brother, you sound close to your mum. It would be a shame to throw all of that away. Adult relationships with family can be complex and I think talking this all through with a therapist might bring you some clarity. Right now, it just feels as if you're lashing out because you don't feel heard.

Something else. Something he did while I lived in the same house a couple years ago, that my mum has never updated me on. Kept it from me. I highlighted how this was a safeguarding issue to me at the time. She didn’t respond to that.

I appreciate your response. Thank you…