AIBU to resent mum for shielding 37-year-old brother living at home?

[PeonyPatch]

37 yo older brother still living at home, contributing very little to my mother’s mortgage & bills, not doing any cleaning or housework.

meanwhile I’m married, with mortgage, 50/50 with my husband.

it’s made me resent my mum. She’s admitted to me she’s protecting him as doesn’t feel he’s able to support himself. He also has a disabled daughter he doesn’t see and pays child maintenance for. Can’t help but feel he’s felt no consequences to his choices/actions and my mum is disproportionately shielding him.

aibu?

The more you reveal @PeonyPatchthe more I think therapy for you will be helpful to manage your own feelings over this. It doesn’t look like the situation with your brother and mum will change anytime soon so the only thing you can change is your reaction to it.

Yep, this is it. I’ve never known how to deal with it?! I just sort of get on as best I can and try to ignore it, but I can’t, and resentment bubbles up!

I think you’re right.

His life sounds pitiful. I would feel sorry for him rather than jealous.

Ironically if there is a thread about boomers on here, then the assumption that they were just lucky is always made.

Maybe try some therapy. Really dig into it. I would be very resentful of my mum supporting any abuser I had regardless if we were related.

Well you could ask her? But even if she is aware that she's being taken advantage of it may not make the difference you would like to see. My parents supported (and were physically and financially abused by) my alcoholic, drug using brother for years and both he and they resisted all help to get him clean and standing on his own two feet. It was a very unhealthy dynamic that was hard to watch and that ended badly but they were an active part of that dynamic and were, in some ways, as dependent on him as he was on them.

I am not jealous, I am annoyed. It’s not a great life is it? But nothing constructive is done to improve the situation. The longer it goes on, the more entrenched the issue is.

If you don't like him, why are you worried about him?
Either your mum will set him up (but it sounds like she won't be in a position to do this if she's behind on bills) or else he'll have to grow up.

You don't need to be responsible for him.

I just don’t ever want to have to come into contact with him or deal with him again. The only time I think this would happen is if my mum were to become ill, need care or pass away. I don’t want anything to do with him.

It's hard to be specific without more information. For example, does she own a home? I assume when you say anything happens you're talking about care needs.

There are people who don't have anyone managing their finances for them who need care all the time. Local Authorities have teams who conduct financial assessments. If, say, she needs a care home but has signed over the house to DB at that point, they might look into deprivation of assets, or they might not and the LA just pay all the costs. There are some circumstances where a child living with the person means their home isn't counted in the assessment, others they are. Age UK have information.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/do-i-have-to-sell-my-home-to-pay-for-care/

I don't doubt it'd be stressful. These things usually are. But the processes would still exist and tick on. Put bluntly, you could fall under a bus yourself before she ever needs care.

@PeonyPatch

I am glad all the comments and questions from PPs have helped you now to actually articulate what your fears are and where your resentment comes from.

I think therapy would be hugely helpful for you - especially to process the abuse you suffered and also to free yourself from the weight of resentment and anger you have as it is only hurting you.

In my area you can self refer for counselling via the GP - could you look into that?

She probably sees it as a reflection of her you are right so she puts up with it, is it just your mum is your dad not around?

Sure, but you can’t change him, or your mother’s attitude to him. All you can change here is your own behaviour and thought patterns about it.

Does your brother have a job OP?

I have an adult sibling that lives at home with DPs. DPs are incredible protective of this sibling who had some health issues growing up, badly bullied and suffers with anxiety. It’s a toxic situation to my eyes where my parents have not taken steps to encourage them to be more confident and independent as they have done for the rest of their DCs. I feel that they are missing out on life experiences and it is sad to see but they are almost co dependent. Any attempt to discuss or address this results in such tears and drama so I have decided not to go there again. Like the OP I worry what will happen when DPs need care or are no longer here. It will be up to me to support them which I am not exactly happy about.

If she needed care or was ill, yes you'd probably need to have something to do.with him. But irrespective of his / your Mums relationship this would happen.

OP I really feel for you. Kind of similar situation here but definitely less complex than yours. My brother is 38 and has never lived out of my parents home. Didn't finish uni, hasn't worked at all in about 17 years, no friends. I don't envy him at all and I'm actually close with him but I have huge concerns over what happens to him when my parents are no longer here and it causes me anxiety. Yes he could get a minimum wage job and he'll have half my parents house when they pass, but he'll have had no pension contributions or anything. No experience of managing money. I actually wouldn't see my brother struggle despite him not making better life choices but that's because I am close with him. My parents have both buried their head in the sand when I've told them how anxious I feel about what they think will happen to him after they pass. I couldn't afford to fund him. I love my family but it has made me resentful that they haven't done more to equip him for adulthood. Your situation is obviously different when you add in the abuse so I have no real advice but just to say I do have huge amounts of empathy for you.

I would feel the same way OP, but I would try really really hard to be supportive of my mum. I would also try and be (tactfully) honest - mum, it really upsets me to see you struggling, to see you upset, when the solution is that brother pulls his finger out. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I think you'd be happier if he would take some responsibility for his own life. Don't you want to enjoy your retirement?

One thing you could perhaps do is get your mum to set up a Lasting Power of Attorney with you as the Attorney (health if possible but particularly finance). That's what I used to extricate my parents when the situation became untenable due to my father's dementia. It did mean a lot of involvement on my part though, and was pretty traumatic all round.

Well if you think she might be, then your thread title is abhorrent.

Yeah. Why should she kick him out just because OP who has a stable happy family of her own thinks it's enabling. What harm is he doing to her?

Same here, like I could have written this.

I just don’t know what’s going on! So no, I am not abhorrent @JipJup why don’t you take your horrible comments elsewhere?

why doesn’t he get a job? Has he ever had jobs? He needs to go job centre and ask for help