AIBU to resent mum for shielding 37-year-old brother living at home?

[PeonyPatch]

37 yo older brother still living at home, contributing very little to my mother’s mortgage & bills, not doing any cleaning or housework.

meanwhile I’m married, with mortgage, 50/50 with my husband.

it’s made me resent my mum. She’s admitted to me she’s protecting him as doesn’t feel he’s able to support himself. He also has a disabled daughter he doesn’t see and pays child maintenance for. Can’t help but feel he’s felt no consequences to his choices/actions and my mum is disproportionately shielding him.

aibu?

I wouldn’t say it’s normal… not in my circles.

Thank you. This is the best response so far.

So it is all about what you think and want?

er, no…

Why don't you talk to your brother about it he is the 1 taking advantage? You will be seen as the "coper" with your mortgage and family, she won't see her son struggle so helps him because he is her child, So if you redirect your resentment to his lazy arse you might feel better.

We don’t have a relationship. He was abusive towards me. I avoid him like the plague.

Well you know about your mums financial situation, your brothers financial situation and everything that is going on in the house- how much your brother is ( or isn't contributing) financially and what he does ( or doesn't ) contribute towards household tasks.
It sounds as though you just don't like your brother tbh.

Well, you feel how you feel, obviously, but you can’t control other people’s behaviour here.

Because your circles are people you align with...

That’s true. To be honest, I think I need to go to therapy for this, I have no idea how to deal with it or for it to not impact how I feel towards my mum. Going out and being independent and self sufficient isn’t easy and I’m tired of people thinking I’m somehow the luckier one!

Bad parenting by your DM. But they are both adults. Have a conversation with her suggesting ideas to improve her life but you can’t make her take them

I actually don’t. My mum got behind on the council tax, he didn’t help one bit. He gives her a couple hundred a month that’s it. I’m in no position to help as I’m trying to cover my own mortgage and bills

Well done for being independent. I have the opposite in that my SIL has been mollycoddled like that all her life. She is a bit older in her 50s and still has dad paying for her car service MOT etc. if we go for a meal he would pay for him and and her, her children but not his son (you in this story). Hubby and sil do same job and earn same amount so it's not an income thing.
I can only say that it's been a huge wake up call as he passed away suddenly and she has had to try and fund herself...it's done her no favours in the long term whereas my husband pays his own bills.
So no you are not being unreasonable but I think in the long term you will be better off for being independent.

If he was abusive towards you, do you think she’s scared of him? I’m sorry @PeonyPatch it sounds so tough for you. Therapy sounds like a good plan.

My brother split up with his fiance when he was 31 and moved back into our mums. He is about to turn 35 and is still at hers. He is not particularly happy about the social stigma attached to living at home in his 30s but is quite enjoying the financial freedom of being able to travel and save up for a deposit on a house. I'm not salty about it. If you don't like him that's fine but you shouldn't try to damage their relationship because of your issues. If your mum is happy and so is your brother then let them live their lives peacefully. Family is meant to support not judge.

This isn’t the same situation at all. He’s always lived at home, never really been independent, been parented totally different, been given a lot of support and hand outs. Hes not saving to move out. He’s invested loads of his money. It’s not fair at all. He doesn’t help my mum and even she’s admitted she struggles with him.

Agree with this - you can feel how you feel but it really is between them.

I don’t think luck is a helpful way of thinking about it, but would you swap with your brother? You’re someone who has managed to make your way in the world, by your own efforts. He has signally failed at that. It’s hardly an enviable position.

Does your brother have some sort of disability ?

Don’t know. I think he’s either autistic or has anti social personality. He has no friends. He just games at my mums house.

Oh no, I am sorry to hear that, he probably doesn't treat your mum that well either. Sounds difficult but resentment will just fester away and it make you miserable

I wouldn’t swap with him no. I do try to look at it like this. I’m worried about what will happen if my mum were to pass away. Would she give him everything? I’m not going to support him

No, he doesn’t. Other family members have started noticing too. It’s very under the radar. Think my mum puts up with it due to embarrassment and shame that she’s failed. I’ve tried to highlight that she’s enabling the abusive behaviour.

My brother also lives at home with mum (he has never moved out and is now in his 60s). I’ve never resented him, in fact, I feel sorry for him as it’s not a life I would want. Mum and dad have enabled this. He’s older than me by some margin, but when I listen to stories about his childhood I understand why my parents are (overly) protective. He was illiterate until he was a teen and badly bullied - he is dyslexic and possibly autistic before these things were understood in school in the 1960s/1970s. He was badly bullied for it and even now has only 2 people he could say are friends.

Have you considered why your mum has him living with her?

Well that is on you, not her or your brother tbh.

Although you have married and started your own nuclear family in your own home, in this respect you sound like a sulky teenager.

What is it that you actually resent? Do you think she should give you money? Provide childcare? Spend more time with you?

Unless you can explain to yourself exactly what it is that you resent, you certainly won't be able to address it.

Have you spoken to your brother about taking advantage of your mum? What does he say about the situation?