AIBU to resent mum for shielding 37-year-old brother living at home?

[PeonyPatch]

37 yo older brother still living at home, contributing very little to my mother’s mortgage & bills, not doing any cleaning or housework.

meanwhile I’m married, with mortgage, 50/50 with my husband.

it’s made me resent my mum. She’s admitted to me she’s protecting him as doesn’t feel he’s able to support himself. He also has a disabled daughter he doesn’t see and pays child maintenance for. Can’t help but feel he’s felt no consequences to his choices/actions and my mum is disproportionately shielding him.

aibu?

She's quite some enabler, isn't she?

I agree with pp that this seems to be a situation where some form of counselling or therapy is worth looking into. A trained person to talk to about it and help you with your feelings could be really beneficial.

OP of course this situation is sitting sorely with you.

Your mum has turned a blind eye to his abuse of you, and breaks her back supporting him, while complaining to you about money etc.

I think taking a HUGE step back and having some therapy is a really good idea.

I'd also strongly consider moving away. You can't rely on her for help with any future kids as you know she's proven she can't be a trusted person in terms of safeguarding. Plus the whole unhealthy dynamic of a favoured babied child won't be missed by any grandchildren in this. Children quickly notice shit like this.

Any future care she needs can be organised and provided by your brother or someone else.

You don't have to sort out anything of she passes, you can decline all that responsibility if you wanted to.

I'm sorry for how this is all making you feel. Toxic family dynamics are really tough to process.

You don’t really think the NHS can actually help do you? My dd broke a bone 4 days ago and the fracture clinic can’t be arsed to see her. NHS is crumbling.

Council house? A 30 something man is at the back of the queue particularly when he lives with his mum.

Prison? He has to commit a serious crime and be found guilty and get a custodial sentence. You surely don’t want him to hurt someone?

So you have to accept that even though this situation upsets you, the answer is very difficult to find.

This is what you're really afraid of, isn't it?

@PeonyPatch it's obviously a poor situation but doesn't this come down to choices?
Your mum has chosen to have this relationship with your brother.
You've chosen (for good reason) to maintain a relationship with your mother on your terms rather than not have one at all. Ditto to have no relationship with your brother.
It will be your choice about if or to what extent you provide care and support for her if and when she needs it. There is no issue of repricocity in your situation as things stand and no obligation whatsover to your brother.
And it will be her choice how to leave any assets she has left.
Not fair or equitable but that's life.
If you can accept that you shouldn't need therapy.

Thank you @Flyingeyeball

I agree re taking a huge step back. I’ll see about getting some therapy.

OP- I've been in a similar position with an obnoxious brother shielded from responsibilities/consequences by our parents. If I ever complained about they way he treated me it was denied/excused and/or I was made to feel that I was responsible for bringing more 'trouble' for them to deal with. I limited contact with brother a long time ago but now wish I'd taken a big step back from our parents as well whilst they were enabling him.
But I didn't and now I find myself in the situation where I was expected to deal with everything when Dad became ill and passed, and am expected to deal with anything difficult now that mum is elderly and not well. Brother tells mum what she wants to hear and won't have any difficult conversations with her (eg. tells her she doesn't need to consider carers/assisted living) so she thinks he's finally being the lovely son she always knew he would be. Meaning she expects me to go through with everything he has promised and I am the villain if I won't/can't. They are both annoyed that I won't step in to mum's role on supporting brother now that she can't. I have recently stopped dealing with him directly or being in his presence without DH following a series of increasingly aggressive calls/messages/face to face rants. Mum witnessed some of the most threatening rants, where he was deeply offensive about me, DH and our DC and shouted in my face to F off or he would 'do something that you will regret'. Her take on this was that he 'perhaps' shouldn't have shouted but he is stressed and the situation could have been avoided if I would just try to be kinder to him and instead of blocking him on my phone I should be calling to ask how I can help him.
I now feel that I am in an impossible position where my only choices are to do everything for mum with him calling the shots and threatening/criticising at every stage, or back away just when mum is at her most vulnerable. I really wish I had stepped a long way back when mum was fit enough to either address the issue or get used to me not being behind her as 'the sensible one'.

I've just been musing on this a bit further OP.

I think it's quite easy to frame this as an all-or-nothing situation. As I said earlier, I think you'd find therapy really helpful but all of that aside, perhaps you need to have stronger/clearer boundaries with your mum.

My mum is a really difficult character. My situation isn't remotely like yours but I couldn't give details without a name change, lol. About 17 years ago I very nearly went NC. For many, many years, I was LC. Very LC. For context, my brother is NC with her and has been for 10+ years.

Bizarrely, my mum now lives in my annexe. If you'd asked me 10 years ago about this scenario, I'd have laughed in your face.

I think getting older helped. I managed to let go of some of the resentment I was carrying because I think it just seemed to matter less. I had my own DC and they became my focus.

DM was still bloody difficult - and she still is. What's changed is that I recognise I don't need to be drawn into it. She has mild/moderate dementia now so she's even more difficult on some days.

I have very clear boundaries that I'm not shy about setting out. There are some subjects that we're never going to agree on, so we don't discuss those. I don't want to hear about them, I don't want to hear her complaining. We have a locked door between us and I provide support to her on my terms.

I'm glad I didn't go NC because I think it always would have gnawed away at the back of my mind. I'm not the kind of person who could have just let it go peacefully.

It sounds as if, other than the issues with your brother, you have a good relationship with your mum. Maybe after some therapy, or even before depending on how you feel, you'll be able to sit her down and tell her calmly that the situation with your brother is seriously affecting you. And the only way to continue to have a relationship with her is if she doesn't talk to you about him, nor complain about the fall-out. Those are her decisions as a parent, you don't agree with them, so you won't be complicit by taking on the emotional labour of hearing about them. And even the slightest hint of those terms being broken, you shut the conversation down instantly, and move on.

You just need to get to that point emotionally where you feel OK with that as a resolution. And it depends whether that's right for you, it won't be for everyone.

It's just an alternative to NC/LC which might be something to aim for 💐

You are correct, she is enabling him and I’m an expert as I have done this for my second child

I would love to talk to you more. Sorry to hear about your situation. It does sound very similar to mine. I’d be happy to connect with you talk via DM if it helps. I’ve found this thread really helpful for connecting me with people in a similar boat. I do appreciate those who are challenging me as well !

😮

Thanks for your further musings.

funnily enough, DH and I had posed annexe idea to her in the past as well.

im struggling because my emotions fluctuate on my mum. They are fixed with my brother (I’m firmly NC there) but relationship with mum it’s up and down. Right now I’m really upset, hurt, angry. Sometimes I’m okay. I still find it difficult to let go of how let down I feel, and maybe that does need to be worked through in therapy. I honestly don’t know how you get over what I feel I’ve been put through. Sometimes I wish I was an only child so I’d be rid of these negative feelings.

For those on this thread who think this is solely for inheritance purposes, you are wrong. I want and need a healthy relationship with my mum. Every daughter needs their mum. My inner child needs her mum. But my inner child feels let down and neglected. I’d be happy without inheritance but the feelings it would stir in me if she were to give everything ti my brother would be total, total abandonment. I’d interpret that as complete let down , it would break me. It’s not about the money.

I actually agree with you, but getting my emotions to feel that way is another story.

Normal to fully support their grown soon-to-be-middle-aged son? Not at all.

Just because it’s a multigenerational household it doesn’t mean you have to coddle
an incompetent man.

How is she fully supporting?
He lives there... contributes toward rent / bills (albeit maybe not enough), pays for his own groceries? I wouldn't call it fully supporting.

My brother is living in my mums house & sleeping on the sofa. His 2 children are there the majority of the time & have 2 of the bedrooms. My mum has moved into the box room so the girls have the 2 large bedrooms. They have been there about 4 years. I’m not sure if he pays rent or how much if he does. I know my mum contributes to the clothing / uniforms etc. I am extremely resentful & I think he’s taking advantage of her. He’s also bought a dog that rarely goes out, maybe 30 minutes in the evening. There’s nothing I can do because it’s my mum’s choice & she won’t say no or address it with him.

Happy to talk, but my advice to you (as someone in a similar situation to me, but maybe a decade or 2 earlier in the situation) is to accept that for whatever reason your mum will never allow your brother to face the real world as long as she has any way to shield him from it. Then focus on your own partner/children/friends and living your own life without being drawn in to your brother's drama (albeit via your mum). It's a shame that this may mean less of a relationship with your mum but that is not your fault.
There is a co-dependent relationship there that she will probably always defend. In my case, I now realise that at some level our parents liked being the ones who could 'fix' everything and never allowed him to learn from his mistakes. They created an idea of who he was and what our family would be (nice, very close, middle class family who stick by each other) and it was always easier to ignore/excuse/cover up anything that suggested otherwise than to accept things were not right and deal with it. I was the 'difficult' one who sometimes challenged that, but also the sensible one who was expected to join in with fixing things.

I realise that for years I made allowances for my parents and desperately tried to please them and avoid making them upset (my view was that my brother gave them stress and I needed to avoid adding to that, even if it meant putting up with a certain level of abuse from brother or helping him in order to take some pressure off our parents). I wish I had said no and kept my time and energy for those who deserved it.
You should check out the 'But we took you to stately homes' threads- there are a lot of us dealing with dysfunctional families and attempting to end the cycle. It's a good thread to vent/ask for advice etc in the company of others who get it and won't tell you 'But they're family'.

This is the best answer IMO. Yes it's unfair to let this brother freeload (if that's what he's doing) but you can't tell your parents how to think or who to allow live in their home, and you won't be thanked for telling them they are being used. Parents have favourites but they don't like to admit it. My uncle and his son were my granny's favourites and I never cared but it used to bother my parents. It's usually the only boy or the youngest child or the prettiest / handsomest. (Prince Andrew!) Just accept it and let it go. Enjoy your freedom. You are lucky not to be the Golden Child with all that pressure.

Actually, that’s not my experience at all. I feel he is treated more favourably than me in that he does such bad things with no consequences. Yet if I put so much as a foot wrong, I am chastised. If anything, I am the “golden child” in this scenario. I am the “capable” sister who has to be perfect. It’s led to huge amounts of pressures being placed on me. I am tired. Exhausted.

@PeonyPatch We really do seem to have very similar families. My role was similar. My brothers (I actually had 2 equally delightful specimens) could do no wrong in our parents' eyes- when they were in trouble or did something that was objectively wrong (from misbehaving in school to cheating/drugs/abusive behaviour/violence) it was either denied or excused as someone else's fault. So in that respect the Golden Children. I was expected to never put a foot wrong, be selfless and helpful and do well at school etc. The rules were strict and if I stepped out of line there were consequences every time. In dysfunctional family terms I think I was a Hero/Caretaker. I think everything was about protecting the facade that we were a lovely, caring, tight knit family. Me being the sensible/compliant/well behaved child helped demonstrate that were must be brought up properly and so if there was any suggestion of problems with the boys it must be someone else's fault. My 'caretaker' role helped in practical terms but also helped create the illusion that all was well- my helping the boys out of their 'situations' demonstrated what a kind loving family we were and helped demonstrate that the boys were clearly lovely people too. Of course, when I started to challenge the situation I was in the wrong and became the Scapegoat. The 2 sets of 'rules' were very clear.

But you don't have to put up with any of that. It is your choice.

Well, firstly, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that… Secondly, that really does sound similar to my experience too. I haven’t felt like I’ve fully understood it, until now, at age 35! I’ve always had to be sensible, caring, responsible, conservative. I never realised I was a part of “keeping up appearances” of this perfect family. It comes down to shame and embarrassment I think. Parents didn’t want to feel that or admit there was something wrong. That’s the dysfunction…

I’m not understanding you. What do you mean it is my choice?

It took me years to gradually understand how dysfunctional our family was. I'm quite a bit older than you and I think I'm only just seeing things fully clearly. Even when I started to stand up for myself, I felt that the way my parents were with me was not their fault; they were sticking by their sons even though it caused them great stress and pain so I had a moral obligation to avoid causing any more stress and to try to alleviate some of the pressure on them. When I went NC with the older brother (to protect myself and my DC) I knew it upset my parents so put up with all the shouting/lies/accusations and actually bent over backwards to go along with their requests/demands over other things. You need to be kind to yourself and understand that exiting a dysfunctional family and stopping the cycle isn't easy.