AIBU shouting at my partner for pooing when I needed to shower

[redvelvet7]

Hi
For context - we have a 7month baby, he works from home, I look after the baby the vast majority of the time mon-sun as he works long hours and does DIY on our house on weekends. I am on maternity leave. I breastfeed and co sleep with baby who wakes up a lot at night
, partner sleeps in other room. My time to get ready, relax or do something for myself is when baby is asleep. We have a toilet downstairs and shower and toilet upstairs. Historically have had discussions with him around pooing downstairs because I don’t want him pooing while I shower or to be in the bathroom at least for half an hour after. (We have had to have chats about toilet etiquette and how he needs to clean up his own poo and skid marks). his poos go on for ages and he sits and scrolls on his phone. He doesn’t want to poo downstairs as he prefers the upstairs toilet.

baby woke up at 7am, I waited until the baby was having first nap to shower, wash my hair, get ready etc. I’m going out to a baby class. Just got baby down for nap when partner went through to the toilet and sat down. I ran through and asked him to poo downstairs as I have a limited amount of time to get ready. Our baby is v clingy. He said he had already started (my opinion is he hasn’t, he just couldn’t be bothered to move).

I got annoyed at his selfishness, he said he wasn’t moving and would take as long as he likes (whilst ignoring me and scrolling). I called him names like fat and twat and got angry. He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.

He’s not speaking to me until I apologise; but I think he’s selfish and only cares about himself. What do you think

Wow, sounds like a great relationship.

YANBU for expecting him to go downstairs.

YABU for the verbal abuse, as is he.

I called him names like fat and twat and got angry. He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.

What the fuck?

Honestly just break up, you both sound awful.

What did I just read?

You've got bigger problems than where he shits.

I was already to tell you this is normal newborn exhaustion and tension but that fighting talk is pretty extreme 🙈 is that how you have spoken to each other in the past?

Sounds like you have a toxic relationship.

What a way to live.

Sounds like you are both unhappy and frustrated with your lives at the moment.

If I imagine a post from your DH it would be " I work long hours, don't have much time for myself at weekends due to house stuff, I've been kicked out of bed and now I'm being told where and how long I can poo for in my own home..I finally snapped this morning "

Telling him to clean the toilet after himself is a no win situation; you are correct as there is no need for an adult to leave a shitty toilet, but pointing this out is never going to end well.

I wouldn't make too much of the threats and language used in an argument where you probably have both built up resentment, and are tired and frustrated.

I thin more calm discussions and you both finding time for yourselves is needed here.

I get it OP. That frustration of not being listened to and completely ignored just bubbles up out of you and you say anything just to get a reaction. There's is nothing worse than your partner blatantly ignoring your needs and not caring. I had one like that.

They don't change. He wouldn't even care if you went in the shower while he's n the shitter. He just does not put your needs above his own and seemingly his childs since you never get a break.

Unfortunately it's put up or shut up. I got rid of mine and realised I was actually a calm and not frustrated person in general.

Believe it or not with the exception of these infrequent incidents we do have a happy normal non toxic relationship. In terms of the insults - for some reason yes they do get quite violent like that. He’s had a few instances of getting angry and grabbing me but it hasn’t happened in a while.

what set me off was just being ignored and like he didn’t care at all how his actions impact me especially as I take the hit when it comes to everything with the baby

Poor baby to have been brought in to this toxic house.

OP stop doing everything for the baby. He won’t do anything when you go back to work

You both sound horrible.

It sounds like a really toxic environment tbh, you're nasty to him, he's been abusive to you. Why are you even together?

Surely you don’t really speak to each other like that?!? Horrendous!!

The interaction sounds very toxic but on the practical question just shower while he sits on the loo. If he prefers privacy he'll use downstairs next time.

To me, it sounds as if you need to round up the girls and go out for a bit. Let him do some parenting. Him not doing much is going to backfire when you go back to work.

Just for next time you meet a new partner:
A man who wouldnt be completely mortified at the idea of a partner seeing his shit stains all over the toilet and potentially grossing them out or them having to clean it up, is a man who has a basic lack of respect for other people.

What a shit show.

He’s had a few instances of getting angry and grabbing me
I think you should get out while you can. But the anger issues you have I am worried about the baby too.

This relationship sounds awful - I feel
sorry for child being brought up in this situation. I have been with my DH for 15 years, and we have never spoken to each other like that.

You are both abusive. End the toxic relationship now before it impacts on your baby.

A relationship isn't happy and normal just because it's "only" moments of partners shouting nasty, violent shit at one another. You both behaved appallingly, and it sounds like his attitude is generally, if you excuse the pun, shit.

This. It is not normal. I have been married for over 40 years we have never said anything like this not even sworn at each other once.

@redvelvet7
Don’t normalise this type of verbal abuse.
Don’t let your child grow up thinking that spitefully talking about someone’s physical appearance is acceptable.
Talking about physical violence towards the parent of said child is heartbreaking.
Don’t think that somehow, magically, you will be able to stop this when your child is older, you won’t.
You both need to understand why this is always wrong and if for some reason you can’t, ask yourself how you were brought up and why you consider this normal.

The whole bathroom situation is not the problem here.

Where was the baby whilst you were both shrieking at each other? What a literal shit show.