AIBU shouting at my partner for pooing when I needed to shower

[redvelvet7]

Hi
For context - we have a 7month baby, he works from home, I look after the baby the vast majority of the time mon-sun as he works long hours and does DIY on our house on weekends. I am on maternity leave. I breastfeed and co sleep with baby who wakes up a lot at night
, partner sleeps in other room. My time to get ready, relax or do something for myself is when baby is asleep. We have a toilet downstairs and shower and toilet upstairs. Historically have had discussions with him around pooing downstairs because I don’t want him pooing while I shower or to be in the bathroom at least for half an hour after. (We have had to have chats about toilet etiquette and how he needs to clean up his own poo and skid marks). his poos go on for ages and he sits and scrolls on his phone. He doesn’t want to poo downstairs as he prefers the upstairs toilet.

baby woke up at 7am, I waited until the baby was having first nap to shower, wash my hair, get ready etc. I’m going out to a baby class. Just got baby down for nap when partner went through to the toilet and sat down. I ran through and asked him to poo downstairs as I have a limited amount of time to get ready. Our baby is v clingy. He said he had already started (my opinion is he hasn’t, he just couldn’t be bothered to move).

I got annoyed at his selfishness, he said he wasn’t moving and would take as long as he likes (whilst ignoring me and scrolling). I called him names like fat and twat and got angry. He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.

He’s not speaking to me until I apologise; but I think he’s selfish and only cares about himself. What do you think

You posted last year about him farting beside you even though he knows you hate it.

How old are you and your partner because you sound like 15 year olds.
I feel sorry for that poor baby

I voted YANBU then saw you called him all the names under the sun. I think this is deeper than where he poos and you clearly have too much on your plate. He needs to find more ways to support you

This is not a “ happy normal non toxic relationship “. It’s not remotely normal to make threats of violence towards your partner or to grab them in anger.

🙄🙄🙄

Another baby who is the victim of a toxic abusive relationship.

Telling him to clean the toilet after himself is a no win situation; you are correct as there is no need for an adult to leave a shitty toilet, but pointing this out is never going to end well.

So what should the OP do? Clean the toilet herself after HE has used it?

Blimey.

You really have a problem with where he does his business? We also have toilet upstairs and downstairs. I couldn't care less of my husband poos while I'm in the shower and vice versa. Neither of you should have resorted to name calling and anger, it's not worth it. YABU and if this is all you have to worry about you are a very lucky woman

Couldn’t you have just nipped in the shower while he was on the toilet?
Not ideal I know but better than the verbal abuse from both of you.

I think your relationship is completely toxic and you should split for your baby's sake or at the very least go for couples counselling to learn how to communicate. The frequency of these conflicts isn't the issue, it's the fact they're happening AT ALL is what makes the relationship toxic. Both of you behaved abusively towards each other in that moment.

Surely he could have taken the baby to let you shower before nap time. I don't think you get to dictate when he goes or which toilet he uses in his own house. If he's grabbing you then that's physical assault and domestic abuse.

Literally you need to think seriously about your responsibility as parents to your child and the fact you are responsible for modelling a healthy, safe relationship blue print for them and creating a safe, peaceful and calm home environment. If you're getting verbally and physically abusive with each other even if it's infrequent then it's time to split and figure out how you can co parent better separately.

Nail on the head. I'd be off if a man I was seeing left the loo in a mess after him. I'd not even give him a second chance. Certainly wouldn't be having sex with him and definitely not a child. It's just gross and it says a lot about him and his lack of respect for the poor sod he expects to clean up after him.

Honestly I think yanbu. He sounds selfish! Obviously the name calling on your end isn’t ideal but it sounds like reactive abuse. You only have a small window to get ready, he can use the toilet as and when he pleases (or use the downstairs one!) he doesn’t need to prolong his shit by scrolling on the toilet either, when someone else is waiting to use it. I’m guessing he doesn’t help with the baby either or you wouldn’t be in such a stress about getting ready in the time baby’s sleeping. You sound unsupported by him and he sounds like an arse, I would have a think about whether you want another child with this man as everything will be amplified when you’re juggling multiple kids and a selfish abusive man too.

Crikey. I understand your frustration at his behaviour but talking to each other like that is unacceptable. If he is lazy and inconsiderate you need to address his behaviour or leave. Don't live like this, it's no good for you or your baby.

Urgh. This is not the solution to the problem.

@Lavender14

I don't think you get to dictate when he goes or which toilet he uses in his own house.

It's OP's house too and presumably he expects her to clean the loos! It's a perfectly reasonable request to specify which toilet to use if there are two in the house. Her partner is just being a typical crap man trying to assert his authority no doubt because he can't stand the thought of a mere woman telling him what to do.

Jeeez my DH and I have NEVER spoken to each other like that through 16 years of marriage, three kids and various highs and very tough times.

I think your relationship is really broken.

That is literally what I was about to post.
That poor child.

Same here. That it deteriorates so quickly, and they become so abusive.

But she prefers privacy. How us that a solution?

Good relationships don’t involve him dragging you. That’s certainly toxic, as is the way you both speak to each other.

You might want to have a think about how “ happy “ your relationship realistically, particularly as you have just had a baby who is witnessing/hearing all this.

Oh yes, absolutely ...what a beautiful non-toxic and happy environment for a child to grow up in. Nothing says “healthy, loving home” quite like parents setting such a stellar example of communication. I mean, who wouldn’t feel warm and secure hearing Mum affectionately call Dad a “fat twat,” or Dad expressing his deep devotion by saying he’d love to punch Mum in the face? Truly heartwarming stuff.
And let’s not forget Mum casually mentioning she wants to smash Dad’s head against a wall, because, of course that’s just how loving couples bond, right?

I’m sure this will give her a crystal-clear understanding of what a respectful, supportive relationship looks like. What a gift.

I am genuinely shocked that anyone would be happy to shower in the same room as someone having a shit if there were other options availble.

However, it's by-the-by; the OP does not want to shower while per DP is taking a shit and there is another toilet. She has a brief window to get ready because she is caring for their child. It would be considerate if him to use the other toilet or wait until she is gone. (I am not excusing either of their language BTW).

You clearly don’t have a “happy normal non toxic relationship” despite trying to tell us you do.

I was on your side until you started calling him names. I might have even stayed on your side if you’d “just” called him a twat/selfish for the toilet incident (it’s still not ideal, but if it were a genuine one off, end of your tether moment I could have been understanding). There is no justification for calling him fat. You are clearly trying to hurt him and start an argument. His response was awful too. For you then to both escalate to threatening or wishing for physical violence is worrying.

You then go on, in another reply, to tell us that in the past he has grabbed you when angry on more than one occasion. So yes physically abusive as well as you both being verbally abusive.

There is nothing ok about any of this. But your reply makes it clear that you don’t think there is anything wrong with your relationship so you aren’t going to listen to us telling you that, for your child’s sake, you should separate. Imagine growing up hearing you dad tell your mum he would love to punch her in the face. Or your mum telling your dad you want to smash his head at the wall. Imagine thinking that was normal in a relationship. Now think about what type of relationships your child is likely to end up in when they’re older. They will either be abusive, or they will find themselves the victim of abuse because they think that is what love looks like.

If you love your child, get out of this relationship now. Or at least look at counselling for you both and truly change your behaviour. The abusive language has got to stop if you stay. And neither of you can ever lay a hand on the other.

Yes, @redvelvet7 - please pay attention to this. It's not normal, happy or non toxic.