AIBU shouting at my partner for pooing when I needed to shower

[redvelvet7]

Hi
For context - we have a 7month baby, he works from home, I look after the baby the vast majority of the time mon-sun as he works long hours and does DIY on our house on weekends. I am on maternity leave. I breastfeed and co sleep with baby who wakes up a lot at night
, partner sleeps in other room. My time to get ready, relax or do something for myself is when baby is asleep. We have a toilet downstairs and shower and toilet upstairs. Historically have had discussions with him around pooing downstairs because I don’t want him pooing while I shower or to be in the bathroom at least for half an hour after. (We have had to have chats about toilet etiquette and how he needs to clean up his own poo and skid marks). his poos go on for ages and he sits and scrolls on his phone. He doesn’t want to poo downstairs as he prefers the upstairs toilet.

baby woke up at 7am, I waited until the baby was having first nap to shower, wash my hair, get ready etc. I’m going out to a baby class. Just got baby down for nap when partner went through to the toilet and sat down. I ran through and asked him to poo downstairs as I have a limited amount of time to get ready. Our baby is v clingy. He said he had already started (my opinion is he hasn’t, he just couldn’t be bothered to move).

I got annoyed at his selfishness, he said he wasn’t moving and would take as long as he likes (whilst ignoring me and scrolling). I called him names like fat and twat and got angry. He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.

He’s not speaking to me until I apologise; but I think he’s selfish and only cares about himself. What do you think

OP shouldn't have more children full stop, if she tells people she 'loves' that she wants to smash their head into the wall.

“Telling him to clean the toilet after himself is a no win situation; you are correct as there is no need for an adult to leave a shitty toilet, but pointing this out is never going to end well.”

Are you serious?

Leaving a toilet clean after using it is something that should have been ironed out in childhood.

May you explain why this disgusting behaviour should not be pointed out?

Why would anyone want to take a shower when there is somebody else defecating in the same room at the same time? Sounds quite disgusting to me.

I don't think you even know what a 'happy, normal, non-toxic relationship' looks like.

It isn't normal and non-toxic to grab each other in anger. It isn't normal and non-toxic to shout about punching each other in the face or smashing each other heads against the wall. It just isn't.

You have a really skewed idea of what a healthy relationship is. Spoiler alert: it's not this.

Agreed, that's horrible!

You do not have a "normal non toxic relationship" at all.
You sound at the end of your tether and he sounds like he does not care about you. His gaslighting behaviour has pushed you to behaving like the crazy one.
He was unreasonable for not using the downstairs loo as you has asked hom to and explained your reasons for that.
You were unreasonable for being verbally abusive to him despite provocation.
His shitting where he pleases is to mark his territory and to put you in your subservient place.
This is a toxic abusive relationship.

Your husband is awful, selfish men make me rage. Honestly I wouldn’t have bred with someone like that. But now you have I’d suggest separating as he will always put himself first.

OP, you've got another thread where you have identified some very unpleasant, bullying behaviour from him.
You really need to get out of this relationship, people on here can give you practical advice.

Poor baby in a very violent house.
What a future it will have.
Heartbreaking.
He has already assaulted you by grabbing you.
You need to put your baby first and contact Domestic Abuse charities for support.

This is not a safe environment for your baby.
Please seek help because this is NOT normal.

For goodness sake just split up with him. He has already grabbed you. How do you think your child is going to develop emotionally and psychologically being exposed to that kind of verbal and physical abuse between parents. Yes, he's a selfish git and you are effectively already solo parenting most of the time so just leave him before your child is old enough to understand the split.

It is unfair to stop you getting ready when he could easily be considerate but both your responses sound terrible especially with a baby in the mix

YANBU about wanting him to go downstairs.

YABBU for talking like that to each other. That’s actually bonkers.

Yep!

Another selfish shitting man thread.
My dad used to pack his 7 kids and wife into the car with all the luggage then disappear for a 45 minute shit with the paper under his arm, smirking.
I couldn't live like that OP, I'd think what you want, it isn't this.

What with your other thread about how abusive he was during pregnancy, you really need to get out. Is there somewhere safe where you and the baby can stay?

Wow, I am glad I am not in that relationship. I would suggest you are a little controlling. Might be worth lightening up a bit. Sure no one wants a shower if someone is on the loo but 30 minutes before hand....

Are you joking? No matter how much you love someone, you can still draw the boundary of them not having a smelly shit while you are showering. It's absolutely gross

I agree with that. But boundaries shouldn't be drawn by yelling abuse

No I’m not joking. Humiliating your partner for doing something we all have to do is gross. Particularly stopping him in mid flow. It’s not cute or pretty to do that to anyone

edit to add she wasn’t even in the shower before she started on him!

Why have you had a baby together?

What do I think?

I think the pair of you shouldn't have had a baby.

Neither of you are currently fit to be parents.
I think therapy and parenting classes would be a good idea.
You both need anger management.

He’s had a few instances of getting angry and grabbing me

Sounds toxic on all sides but really you are more at risk than him you should get out while you can. It has already escalated into violence in both words and deeds and could get worse.

Can you not just get a lock for the bathroom door and lock him out while you're in the shower?

I agree he should poo downstairs and he's being lazy and gross, but you do sound like the Twits (Roald Dahl) from your post.