AIBU shouting at my partner for pooing when I needed to shower

[redvelvet7]

Hi
For context - we have a 7month baby, he works from home, I look after the baby the vast majority of the time mon-sun as he works long hours and does DIY on our house on weekends. I am on maternity leave. I breastfeed and co sleep with baby who wakes up a lot at night
, partner sleeps in other room. My time to get ready, relax or do something for myself is when baby is asleep. We have a toilet downstairs and shower and toilet upstairs. Historically have had discussions with him around pooing downstairs because I don’t want him pooing while I shower or to be in the bathroom at least for half an hour after. (We have had to have chats about toilet etiquette and how he needs to clean up his own poo and skid marks). his poos go on for ages and he sits and scrolls on his phone. He doesn’t want to poo downstairs as he prefers the upstairs toilet.

baby woke up at 7am, I waited until the baby was having first nap to shower, wash my hair, get ready etc. I’m going out to a baby class. Just got baby down for nap when partner went through to the toilet and sat down. I ran through and asked him to poo downstairs as I have a limited amount of time to get ready. Our baby is v clingy. He said he had already started (my opinion is he hasn’t, he just couldn’t be bothered to move).

I got annoyed at his selfishness, he said he wasn’t moving and would take as long as he likes (whilst ignoring me and scrolling). I called him names like fat and twat and got angry. He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.

He’s not speaking to me until I apologise; but I think he’s selfish and only cares about himself. What do you think

He’s had a few instances of getting angry and grabbing me but it hasn’t happened in a while.

We have had to have chats about toilet etiquette and how he needs to clean up his own poo and skid marks

He sounds a dream. You're no better with your name-calling and fat shaming. I think poo is the least of your issues.

You both need to sort out how you are interacting with each other now you are parents

None of that is ok

I remember your last post...this is a frequent occurence as i recall!

Oh for the love of god stop minimising this shit show

You have both behaved badly but it was you OP who escalated this.

FWIW I agree it is annoying when someone does a poo and you want to shower - it’s not very nice and I have similar conversations with my own DH but it is more along the lines of “oh would you mind waiting 5 mins so I can have a quick shower?”.

I also agree with your DH that the downstairs toilet is not for poos but that doesn’t mean he can’t do it, it does feel weird though.

On the whole though YABU - if a person is mid poo they can’t exact stop can they? And the name calling was immature and ridiculous.

I don't say this lightly and have never said this to anyone here, but your house is toxic. You really need to both grow up and sort yourselves out for the sake of your baby. You probably won't, but you have once chance to do this now before your baby grows up and remembers how horrible it was to grow up with verbally abusive parents.

I don’t understand this spiralled to calling him fat, and him saying he wants to punch you.

I get it, very annoying but could you have not washed your hair on this occasion if time was tight?

It sounds awful.

So you called him names, he said he wanted to hit you in the face and you wanted to smash his head against a wall. You know that isn't normal.
Where he poos is the least of your problems if that's how you talk to each other. Why did you have a baby with a man who's physically assaulted you in the past? I suppose you could leave but I think you both need anger management classes. Honestly though you don't sound a good match.

In 36 years of marriage, DH and I have never spoken to each other like that. OP you have bigger problems than where your husband goes to toilet. Screaming insults at each other and threatening violence is very toxic indeed, as is his getting angry and grabbing you. You have a small baby in the house and this is not the behaviour of two well-adjusted reasonable adults. I suggest you have some marriage counselling to address your communication issues before things get any worse.

(We have had to have chats about toilet etiquette and how he needs to clean up his own poo and skid marks).

And you still decided he was what you wanted in a partner?

We have one toilet, in the bathroom. If someone has a shit, open the window, maybe have a spray, and give it 10 minutes. If you have to use it immediately, and it’s tank, a bit of perfume on your sleeve works wonders.

The langague towards him is a long more rank than a stinky bathroom

This is not normal. My DP's habits can irritate me - as I am sure mine irritate him. Neither of us have ever called either other names or threatened violence.

I think you need to work out where a safe and loving home might be for your child... this is not it.

Not normal and toxic. In the years I’ve had relationships we never threatened each other violently.

I get your anger. I’m in a similar position with DH in the sense of cosleeping/breastfeeding and doing all the child rearing, and we’ve had this exact argument about his using the upstairs loo in the brief window I have to do my teeth and shower etc. He also takes forever, scrolls on his phone and listens to podcasts. It’s infuriating. I haven’t done a luxurious poo like that in months maybe years (baby isn’t my only child.)

I also get why you lost your temper. That being unseen and uncared for feeling, the complete denial of the obvious unfairness of the impact of child rearing, that you don’t have the luxury of choosing when to shower etc. I also loose my cool sometimes (often.)

However, you are really minimising that what you say to eachother isn’t OK, and it’s not OK to bring a child up in a home where words like that are said. Your child will be saying those words within three years. Calling people fat, and saying they want to punch you in the face. Your child will not be able to deal with their anger unless you show them how - which right now, you can’t, because you’re not able to. Seriously, accept that you are rightfully angry with your husband and act on that anger in a constructive way. Maybe leave, maybe think about how you can communicate with him in a way that makes it possible for him to listen, maybe get counselling. I don’t know, but you have to work it out.

my partner and I have certainly been vicious with words to each other when we are both tired and overwhelmed. But never to the point of nasty name calling and physical threats. That’s abuse on both sides. And he has physically abused you. Break up.

With regards to the toilet issue. It’s control. He knows fine he’s inconveniencing you and doesn’t care.

Horrible toxic relationship, break up now before your child is old enough to pick up on it.

You are both awful. I would not be happy if my husband told me to get out of the bathroom if I was using the toilet, but the door would be locked so he would never have got in. Especially as I have IBS. You are both awful for shouting at each other. He's awful for not cleaning up after using the loo.

Imagine being told where you are allowed to poo. Sod that.

That poor child in the middle of this abusive relationship.
You can’t make someone get off the loo when they’re in there although he should have tried to go downstairs (maybe he couldn’t wait).
If you called me fat and a twat or said you wanted to smash my head in a wall I’d be leaving. He’s as bad with his punch comment.
Do your child a favour and split up. You have no respect for each other at all.

For the sake of your child both of you need to grow up or separate.

That type of interaction between parents is damaging to children.

Don’t bring a child up in a house where you swear and threaten each other with violence.

in the meantime he can parent his child while you shower

he sounds selfish af but also like he has digestive problems. leaving skid marks all the time isn’t normal (i think).

Honestly, where he shits is minor compared the abuse you have both heaped out to each other. I have a 22 year relationship with its fair share of exhaustion, frustration, anger and inconsiderate behaviour but neither of us have ever spoken to the other like that.

Yes, he's being inconsiderate.

How you respond to his inconsiderateness is off the chart unhealthy; and his response in turn shows this is a normal dynamic in your relationship. You BOTH need to sort your own heads out, and this relationship is not a good one.

Exactly. I think the worst I’ve called my other half is a knob!

What the actual fuck have I just read?

I do agree with others, to some extent, that he should be able to use whatever toilet he wanted to in his own home.

The way you talk to one another is shit (pardon the pun!)

What was your tone like when you asked him to use the loo downstairs? If you were snotty with him, he has more than likely carried on just to annoy you.

Like my Mum always used to say, you don't get anything unless you ask nicely.

But you then escalated things by getting angry and resorting to calling him a fat twat which was properly uncalled for. The threats of violence and anger towards one another, whether it is not meant and is just letting off steam or not, is hideous.

But this sounds awful and you need to sort yourselves out as this does sound toxic and when your child gets older to hear their parents talking to each other in this foul way is damaging!

He said he had already started (my opinion is he hasn’t, he just couldn’t be bothered to move). I got annoyed at his selfishness, he said he wasn’t moving and would take as long as he likes (whilst ignoring me and scrolling). I called him names like fat and twat and got angry. He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.
He’s not speaking to me until I apologise; but I think he’s selfish and only cares about himself.

You’re both fucking awful and this is an appalling relationship.