AIBU shouting at my partner for pooing when I needed to shower

[redvelvet7]

Hi
For context - we have a 7month baby, he works from home, I look after the baby the vast majority of the time mon-sun as he works long hours and does DIY on our house on weekends. I am on maternity leave. I breastfeed and co sleep with baby who wakes up a lot at night
, partner sleeps in other room. My time to get ready, relax or do something for myself is when baby is asleep. We have a toilet downstairs and shower and toilet upstairs. Historically have had discussions with him around pooing downstairs because I don’t want him pooing while I shower or to be in the bathroom at least for half an hour after. (We have had to have chats about toilet etiquette and how he needs to clean up his own poo and skid marks). his poos go on for ages and he sits and scrolls on his phone. He doesn’t want to poo downstairs as he prefers the upstairs toilet.

baby woke up at 7am, I waited until the baby was having first nap to shower, wash my hair, get ready etc. I’m going out to a baby class. Just got baby down for nap when partner went through to the toilet and sat down. I ran through and asked him to poo downstairs as I have a limited amount of time to get ready. Our baby is v clingy. He said he had already started (my opinion is he hasn’t, he just couldn’t be bothered to move).

I got annoyed at his selfishness, he said he wasn’t moving and would take as long as he likes (whilst ignoring me and scrolling). I called him names like fat and twat and got angry. He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.

He’s not speaking to me until I apologise; but I think he’s selfish and only cares about himself. What do you think

Many people manage with one loo.
Consideration is key. No one takes more than 5 minutes in the toilet.
DH needs to see a GP about his bowels.

In my life I have never seen people who love and respect each other, issue violent threats, frighten and grab each other in anger.

Good grief 😳 I thought this was going to be a funny post, and was about to vote YANBU. We only have one toilet, and out of courtesy if I’m going for a bath or shower I ask if he needs the loo first. It annoys me if he goes in and poos, because then I’m left basking in the stench during my relaxing bath. I’d never say anything or start a fight though.
This is awful, yelling names at each other when there’s a baby present. Punching faces and smashing heads suggestions. Over a toilet? Yes, he is probably being selfish, but both your behaviours in response to it are off the scale.
please don’t let your baby grow up hearing their mum and dad speaking to each other like this.

Jesus what a horrible, nasty, dysfunctional relationship. My jaw was wide open reading that. You're both arseholes to each other and clearly do not care about each other.

Lol you really think you have a healthy relationship?

I came to say that, from time to time, most couples do shout - despite what you hear on MN.

So long as it isn't constant, I think it's an unpleasant but normal outlet for frustration.

BUT the threats of violence are truly not normal or healthy. I could have let you away with calling him twat, but not threats of smashing his head against a wall.

There is too much real resentment here op, and it needs addressing.

I called him names like fat and twat and got angry.

You don’t sound mature enough to be married.

Yanbu. My oh does similar, we have 3 fucking bathrooms but he’ll go and shit in our en suite before my pre-bed shower, or knowing I need to get ready to go out etc etc

I don’t scream and shout at him tho, or call him names, but it infuriates me and I do tell him off every fucking time. It’s mostly that I’ve had to tell him more than once tbh. It’s fucking obvious it’s a grim thing to do.

Believe it or not with the exception of these infrequent incidents we do have a happy normal non toxic relationship.

I don't believe you, especially with what you say immediately after this.

Poor child.

@redvelvet7
I called him names like fat and twat and got angry. He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.

this is out of order love. Utterly unacceptable.

No, you don't have a happy, normal, non-toxic relationship. Your baby is being brought up in a home where it's Mother is shouting 'fat twat' at it's Father, and he's screaming back that he'd love to punch her in the face.
The poor little mite.
I'd suggest splitting up, but then I don't know who, if either of you would be the better, primary caregiver. You both sound disgusting.

Well that escalated. If it's true, OP, you need to separate. This is not a healthy environment in which to bring up a baby. Get help.

No you don't. You have non-toxic healthy looking moments in an otherwise toxic unhealthy relationship. The fact that these happen less frequently, doesn't make the relationship otherwise healthy. There is nothing normal or healthy about physical and verbal abuse in a relationship. Get help or get out before your child is affected, before she grows up thinking that this is normal and in 20 years is repeating the pattern.

it's not normal and it is toxic

The poo issue isn't your biggest problem (and I can see both sides tbh). But shouting and verbal abuse is inexcusable. So if any form of aggression or physical violence.

You both have a child to think about, either you need to work together to learn how to behave appropriately or break up.

Your poor baby :(

What a horrid relationship the two of you have. Poor baby.

Your poor baby and neighbours.
Totally inappropriate

It does sound pretty extreme, OP, but only you know whether within the bounds of your relationship this behaviour is crossing lines for both of you.
Ignoring the violent threats, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
If there are two toilets and only one shower obviously the etiquette is to poo in the toilet that has the least impact. Even if he was a quick, clean pooper, I would expect him to use the other toilet so that you don't have to shower in a bathroom that potentially has a lingering smell.

Also, postpartum rage is absolutely wild and can make small things like this feel like the end of the world.
Before my DD was born I treated our two old cats like truly beloved elderly relatives, but one night not long after we'd had DD, one of them was meowing loudly to go out, and I couldn't get downstairs quickly because of my C-section, and I was so unreasonably furious that he might wake the baby, that I snarled at him "Get the f*k out of my f*king house and don't bloody come back!"
I immediately burst into tears and felt awful, but in that moment it just felt like if he woke the baby, the world would end and everything would be terrible.

Please don’t have any more children with this man. You sound as bad as each other. Where’s the mutual respect and support? I feel sorry for your child being born into such an awful situation.

Christ the pair of you sound fucking pathetic.

I don't understand why you are so bothered about sharing the bathroom, OP.
But this sounds like a really unhealthy relationship - you both use offensive and abusive language; you both threaten violence. How on earth can you live like that? What kind of example will it set to your child as they grow up? Sort it out.

Just go your separate ways. Why would you choose to live in such a vile atmosphere.

If you really loved him his bowel movements would not be such a problem

Divorce
You have bigger issues than his turds