AIBU shouting at my partner for pooing when I needed to shower

[redvelvet7]

Hi
For context - we have a 7month baby, he works from home, I look after the baby the vast majority of the time mon-sun as he works long hours and does DIY on our house on weekends. I am on maternity leave. I breastfeed and co sleep with baby who wakes up a lot at night
, partner sleeps in other room. My time to get ready, relax or do something for myself is when baby is asleep. We have a toilet downstairs and shower and toilet upstairs. Historically have had discussions with him around pooing downstairs because I don’t want him pooing while I shower or to be in the bathroom at least for half an hour after. (We have had to have chats about toilet etiquette and how he needs to clean up his own poo and skid marks). his poos go on for ages and he sits and scrolls on his phone. He doesn’t want to poo downstairs as he prefers the upstairs toilet.

baby woke up at 7am, I waited until the baby was having first nap to shower, wash my hair, get ready etc. I’m going out to a baby class. Just got baby down for nap when partner went through to the toilet and sat down. I ran through and asked him to poo downstairs as I have a limited amount of time to get ready. Our baby is v clingy. He said he had already started (my opinion is he hasn’t, he just couldn’t be bothered to move).

I got annoyed at his selfishness, he said he wasn’t moving and would take as long as he likes (whilst ignoring me and scrolling). I called him names like fat and twat and got angry. He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.

He’s not speaking to me until I apologise; but I think he’s selfish and only cares about himself. What do you think

Run. Both of you.

You both sound bloody awful. Poor child being raised in this hideous home.

Why don’t you consider separation?

I disagree that she was humiliating him - at least not initially. She made a request for him to poo in an alternative toilet which was reasonable under the circumstances .

Whether he had actually started or not who knows, but if he hadn’t he was unreasonable not to move. If he had started fair enough, it was too late by then.

Wow, well this went somewhere awful fast. Even the most toxic relatiosnhips aren't toxic all the time, but this instance alone is far more toxic than most things I have come across. It's deeply unhealthy. I suppose the only saving grace is that you both sound as bad as each other. At least there isn't one clear victim and one clear abuser.

Having said that, you cannot bring a baby up with two abusive parents who trigger each other. At least if you split and don't go on to date anyone again until you have both worked on your, quite frankly, terrifying anger issues your baby might stand a chance to grow up in a non-abusive household.

You’ve got to end this relationship. You now have a baby and they will be already physically reacting to witnessing this angry behaviour. Whatever caused the argument it’s time to put your child first and bring them up in a calm environment away from the abusive behaviour.

Let me guess - he’s a great dad? FFS raise your bar. The first time anyone is physical you leave.

I mean you policing of the toilet is weird, if someone wants to use the loo and you aren't in there they use the loo, I can't imagine being so precious over this. We have 1 toilet and when anyone needs the toilet whether you are in the shower or not they are using it. I don't call my family fat or twats for doing so though.

Toilet etiquette is the least of your worries though, your relationship is abusive/dysfunctional and you can't even see it, you wrote in the same breath: -

"Believe it or not with the exception of these infrequent incidents we do have a happy normal non toxic relationship..... He’s had a few instances of getting angry and grabbing me but it hasn’t happened in a while."

You think that being verbally abusive and having your boyfriend grab you is a "happy normal relationship" 😬 honestly raise your bar when it comes to men and think about your own behaviour, you have a baby to think about now.

I was ready to say it sounds like you’re exhausted and resentful as he is making no effort with looking after the baby.

But then you mentioned calling me fat etc and tbh you both sound really childish and horrible. I agree you need to break up if you can’t find a way of dealing with things properly and for the parenting to be more equal.

I would have just got in the shower anyway. But my DH have that kind of relationship.

I agree.

Reminds me of controlling exDP who would deliberately time a lengthy spell in the bathroom to inconvenience me. I would normally say you need to communicate with witb him so he can avoid your small time window but this had the opposite effect on exDP - it just gave him the information he needed to inconvenience and upset me.

Fixating on your partner’s personal habits such as bowel movements is not healthy. He needs to go. OP has magnified it thereby humiliating him.

Fingers crossed your neighbours report you to social services with all that shouting and threatening going on.

Poor baby.....

Wow.

Yeah, no - this is not ok or "normal" just because it's "infrequent".

You call him fat and he says he'd love to punch you. You both sound vile and like you don't love each other in the slightest.

Do you really want your baby to grow up thinking this is normal?

Is this a windup?
I just don't understand how one finds themselves in a situation like this. You live with a guy who does sod all, leaves shit stains all over the toilet, grabs you during arguments and rather than thinking "I better make sure my contraception is rock solid" you go "aww, I bet he will be a great attentive father and husband". Is that how it normally goes?

Haven’t read the full thread but you both sound as bad as each other!

Let’s hope the baby’s first words aren’t fat twat

He's selfish, but the poo issue is the least of your worries. I have a temper and understand the urge to verbally abuse (though not quite to this level), but you just can't do that when there's a baby there. If this is how the two of you behave, it was unfair to bring a baby into it. You both need to grow up and work on your communication, among other things (like division of labour).

You sound as bad as each other, tbh. Poor kid.

Taking a right shitshow to another level

Literally 😂

Literally 😂

Wow that’s horrible, speaking to each other like that.
Getting annoyed with him and asking him to poo in the downstairs loo because you need to get ready within a certain time frame is a reasonable request.
He is rude and disgusting with his toilet habits and needs to go downstairs AND clean the loo properly.
But that’s not going to happen when you’re both at each other like that

I disagree, i thinks its considerate to think about your spouse if she has a very limited time to shower given she is looking after your baby and avoid her having to shower just after you shit and not especially when as a grown ass man he still leaves shit streaks in the toilet.

There are 2 bathrooms and he already knew she only had that window to shower before baby wakes up yet he decided to sit in the bathroom for ages shitting while scrolling on his phone without acre in a world, he is a selfish idiot.

The choice of words of not right on both sides and is not the right way to deal with issues in a marriage.

I absolutely agree with you about the abusive nature of the relationship, it is not normal at all and she needs to recognize that.

This👆👆!

That might be better than "I'd love to punch you in the face" or "I want to smash your head against the wall".

Things are going to be wonderful in this happy family when the child hits puberty, aren't they?

I wouldn't wait to shower, just stick dc in a baby seat and keep in the bathroom.

As everyone else has said where and when he goes to the toilet is a red herring your relationship is in trouble so I'd get the 7mth old baby in a cot for starters, start sleeping together and try to reconnect a bit. That's if you can get past the fact he sounds absolutely awful.