AIBU shouting at my partner for pooing when I needed to shower

[redvelvet7]

Hi
For context - we have a 7month baby, he works from home, I look after the baby the vast majority of the time mon-sun as he works long hours and does DIY on our house on weekends. I am on maternity leave. I breastfeed and co sleep with baby who wakes up a lot at night
, partner sleeps in other room. My time to get ready, relax or do something for myself is when baby is asleep. We have a toilet downstairs and shower and toilet upstairs. Historically have had discussions with him around pooing downstairs because I don’t want him pooing while I shower or to be in the bathroom at least for half an hour after. (We have had to have chats about toilet etiquette and how he needs to clean up his own poo and skid marks). his poos go on for ages and he sits and scrolls on his phone. He doesn’t want to poo downstairs as he prefers the upstairs toilet.

baby woke up at 7am, I waited until the baby was having first nap to shower, wash my hair, get ready etc. I’m going out to a baby class. Just got baby down for nap when partner went through to the toilet and sat down. I ran through and asked him to poo downstairs as I have a limited amount of time to get ready. Our baby is v clingy. He said he had already started (my opinion is he hasn’t, he just couldn’t be bothered to move).

I got annoyed at his selfishness, he said he wasn’t moving and would take as long as he likes (whilst ignoring me and scrolling). I called him names like fat and twat and got angry. He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.

He’s not speaking to me until I apologise; but I think he’s selfish and only cares about himself. What do you think

You both need to grow up! You have a baby together, what are you going to do when the child starts school and repeats your conversations? You’ll have social services in your doorstep!

You both sound bloody awful and need to go to therapy to learn some emotional regulation skills. I feel sorry for your poor child.

You have much bigger problems than where your partner does a shit.

This sounds awful. You should make plans for your lives separately so you can be happy and co-parent your child in a safe and healthy environment. This is not it.

And on a practical level, always live somewhere with a separate toilet.

You both sound awful. I suggest you split and both seperately raise your joint child away from this abusive relationships (look into parallel parenting as I'm not really sure either of you are mature enough to co parent)

Did he continue to poo while you screamed insults at each other? I’ve never met a man that could multitask like that 👀

(PP have adequately covered the real issues, I’m just here for clarification)

I hope this is a wind up. You could of solved one problem with a bolt on the door. The lack of respect and abuse in your relationship couldn't be solved by that, you should split up, you're both vile. Voted YANBU in error.

I called him names like fat and twat and got angry. He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.

He was having a dump - you could still have a shower.

Your kid has a fantastic future split between two angry and agressive parents.

Oh dear, respect on both sides... it is difficult with a baby and being sleep deprived, but it doesn't excuse being horrid or rude to someone.

You both sound horrid! Poor baby growing up in this environment. Domestic abuse has a long lasting impact on a child, believe me I'm talking from experience of being that child 😔

You both sound like you deserve each other frankly. Vile.

Pooing is the least of your problems. Poor baby.

Poor baby growing up in this environment. Neither of you come out of this well. Neither of you behave well towards each other , child stands no chance !

I'll never understand why the most wildly incompatible and unsuitable people decide to have kids. What a miserable existence that must be.

Wow. I have ever ever called DH a twat or anything like that even in an argument!

Certainly is for the poor children stuck helpless in the middle of it.

Did you call him fat AND twat? Or a fat twat?

Sounds like a mutually abusive relationship. Name calling and inconsiderate behaviour.

Just as an aside, taking half an hour to poo is very unhealthy. If he’s just sitting there scrolling then it’s best not to do that while sitting on the loo as he’ll end up with piles. Even if he’s is genuinely pooing for that period of time then that’s not healthy either and he should get checked out…. Assuming there isn’t an underlying health issue involving his bowels as you haven’t mentioned that in your post.

Threatening violence towards each other, especially over non events, and instances of physical violence from him, mean that your relationship is toxic and harmful to all involved, including your child. This post should be reworded to “there are moments of normality and happiness within our otherwise toxic relationship”.

Toxicity never goes from 0-100 overnight, it creeps in. There will always be majority good times, until the good times are in the minority, and then suddenly they are so infrequent you’re clinging on to them and hoping for a return to what once was. Except it will almost never come back unless you both recognise the harm being done and both work, together and alone, on healing yourselves and your relationship. Your two posts show a total lack of awareness and a general ambivalence to the situation so this shows you’re not ready to do this yet.

Woman to woman, mother to mother, please put a pin in this before it escalates. You are both teaching your child about relationships, conflict management, communication etc, and currently it’s a pretty terrible example to be setting for them. One day they will threaten you in the way you threaten each other, or worse, and you won’t be in a position to correct them because it’s behaviour you’ve modelled.

It sounds like where he parks his arse to evacuate is the least of your problems

It sounds like you need to take a dump and get rid of 150lbs+ of uselessness. He won't change and unless you want your child to follow in Daddy's footsteps and be that self-centered, it's time to give each other the freedom to be alone.

I don’t think I’ve ever read the word “poo” so may times in one post 😂😂

OP, this is a complete mess. That poor baby.

so occasionally dh and I have screamed at each other when at the end of our tether. But this:

He said he’d love to punch me in the face and later on at the end of the argument I said I wanted to smash his head at the wall.

This is not OK. This is actually awful. I cannot imagine being with someone who threatens to punch me in the face.

really, really not OK OP