To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

[Toastedteacake88]

Hello
Ive got two lovely little boys ages 6 and 4. I have wanted a third for a while now and go through phases of feeling at peace with sticking with two. But then Ill revert back to yearning for another baby which I’m sure would be our last and the sadness in feeling over my husband saying no is feeling overwhelming.
His reasons are that he feels our family is complete, he is enjoying getting a bit of our freedom back and time to ourselves now the boys are a bit older and easier to arrange childcare for. He also states finances as a reason because he was adamant about them going to private school so we couldn’t afford to put a third through. He also has made hints about returning to play his favourite sport which hasn’t been possible the last few years because I found it too much having the boys all day on Saturdays (when if he was at home we’d be able to share the load and get rest etc).
I just feel like some of his reasons are selfish. He’s making a life long decision based on temporary things like us having a bit more time to ourselves back.
I’ve suggested we go to counselling over it.
before anyone suggests it, I would never leave him so that I could meet someone else and have another baby. I love our family unit.
im just so sad we can’t expand it.

just to add, we had a traumatic time with our second as he needed very serious surgery as a baby. He’s absolutely fine now. I don’t think it’s a major factor in how I feel about wanting another but I do think the experience of having a “normal” newborn phase would be healing.
my husband says that what happened with our second is not a factor in him not wanting another.

advice please on how to feel better!

You’re not unreasonable to feel what you feel. But all his reasons are valid and you shouldn’t diminish them.

I hope your current feelings pass with time and you can fully enjoy the family you have.

His reasons are absolutely fine to be a bit selfish! You’ve not actually given any good reasons for having a third other than you want to?

Would you consider counselling just for you, rather than joint counselling?

I have to ask, is it one last try for a girl?

His reasons are absolutely and entirely valid.

No definitely not trying for a girl.

His reasons sound very reasonable to me - not being able to do a sport on a Saturday once they are 4 and 6 because you can’t/wont look after the on your own wouldn't encourage me to increase their numbers by 50%!
He might say he’s not traumatised by the hospital stuff, but it takes a bit of getting over seeing your baby that ill.
Babies are cheap, but teens cost a fortune, and then Uni, cars, driving lessons, house deposits etc etc. stick at two and have an easier life!

He doesn't need counselling, he's happy. By suggest it you're telling him he's wrong and that he can be fixed by someone trying to change his mind. He's entitled to his feelings. So are you, but you're unhappy. Counselling might be of benefit to you because of this.

I think those are all perfectly good reasons not to have a third. I think your perception is being clouded by you really wanting another.

I’m with your dh, sorry,but two is enough imo. He is being sensible. I think counselling would be good though, for helping you to accept that without resentment.

It’s also selfish in a way to want another baby. The child doesn’t yet exist so you are wanting it for your own reasons.

You also aren’t guaranteed an easier birth or a child without any illness so I wouldn’t let that be a reason to try for a third.

And lastly, if you struggled to look after two on your own, how would it be with three? Why does that not concern you? I think some counselling for you on your own to help explore this idea further would make sense.

It was the same for me. We had 2 under 2 and the second was super difficult.
I would have loved a 3rd, but DH didnt want to. For all the reasons your husband named.
I always knew in my head that 2 is perfect. Cheaper, more convenient in every way etc.
But my heart always wished for a 3rd.
I think i only really got to terms with it when DH got the snip. It was so final that i finally had to fully come to terms with it.
Mine are 10 and 11 now and theres still some “what if” thoughts, but its not a deep longing anymore.

You want another for you only of course it is ok not too

There's nothing wrong with those reasons for not wanting a 3rd child.

You say it's 'selfish' but having children is also selfish.

We have them because we have our own reasons for wanting them.

And of course we also have our own reasons for not wanting them/wanting more of them.

I think you’re both not unreasonable.

Having a baby is ultimately a selfish decision and I think that not having a baby for selfish reasons is also equally valid.

We have the same issue, kids are 7 and 3 and I can't really get over the desire for another but dh feels like he's too old now he's in his early 40's, we've got no family support and are just starting to get a bit of freedom back to pursue our own interests. Also school fees, uni, house deposits etc are much easier to find for 2 rather than 3.

Likewise I would never break up our family unit over it, logically I understand his reasoning but emotionally I'm very upset, and quite angry with him. The thing is, it's my issue, not his. Unless we both want another baby then we don't have one, so I need to figure out how to make my peace with it. I'm hoping we can foster in the future once our kids are a bit older. I just feel like we've got time, space and love to give so maybe I can find something constructive to do with those feelings.

Hugs though, I know how you feel.

So you're not prepared to look after the 2 you already have on your own but want a third? Really, really unreasonable of you.

Be grateful for what you have, because you are already blessed

Neither of you is unreasonable but he isn’t being selfish either. His reasons are very valid and if he’s said no he’s said no.
Enjoy your two healthy children and maybe get some counselling just for you if it’s a big issue for you. He doesn’t need to attend his decision has been made on sound reasons

I think his reasons are perfectly valid and not selfish at all. I don't think he needs to go to counselling and maybe it's a bit selfish of you to push this as it's obviously just to try and change his mind. Maybe you would benefit from it yourself though. You have a lovely family, more than a lot of people. Be happy and grateful for that.

the only person in this scenario that is coming across selfish is you.

A child should be deeply wanted by BOTH parents so that’s why the one saying no, has to “win”.

His reasons are valid and sensible and thinking ahead - kids cost a LOT!

Be content with your two or you’ll drive yourself mad.

His reasons aren’t any more selfish than you wanting to have another! I don’t think you’re ready for counselling as you only want to change his mind.

But you wanting another baby against his wishes is also selfish.
And I agree with others, if I’d had to completely give up something I loved and that contributed to my health and well being because my DH couldn’t manage both our children at once there’s no way I d be being persuaded that another one was a good idea!
His financial reasons are also extremely valid. Kids just get more and more expensive and everything is getting more and more expensive also.

YABVU.

I just feel like some of his reasons are selfish

No they aren't. They are perfectly valid.

Do you not think you are the one being selfish?

I’ve suggested we go to counselling over it.

Yes, counselling for you to accept your husband's decision.

Teenagers are expensive and stressful. Why would you want to put yourself through that three times? Even lovely teenagers are stressful - friendship issues, relationship issues, GCSEs, A levels, UCAS, financial support through university, driving lessons.

Do you work?

I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds as if you are hoping that counselling would be there to help him change his mind. Counselling or therapy of some sort might be a good option, certainly therapy often is irrespective of there being an immediate issue at hand. But using it to try and make someone else change their mind to match your thoughts isn’t.
Absolutely, it might be great for you on a personal basis to help you think about your feelings around another child/ thoughts on not having one. And couples therapy if you are struggling as a couple or this difference in what you want is driving a wedge. But never as a way of getting someone else to change their mind on something like this.
As others have said, his reasoning seems very valid. And absolutely nothing wrong - very healthy actually - in his wanting to get some life back beyond children. They are wonderful, but they consume us and it’s sometimes hard to remember who we are and who we were and who we want to be after they arrive.
My fear is that your desire to have another might be more to do with filling a void (especially as you seem to resent his desire to get back into hobbies). My MIL had lots of children. Put everything into them. Sacrificed a lot, including career, hobbies, university. Stared in her early twenties and had her last in her mid-forties. Everything about her is about being a mother. The last one left home a while back and all the children are now far from home and she is bereft. More so than you naturally would be. Struggling with depression and anxiety. Really because that’s all she had and now they’re gone she’s got nothing.

It’s sad knowing that that is it. But they’re young and you’ve got years of wonderful parenthood ahead. But your husband is right, it’s also rather exciting getting someone else of your life back away from just parenting.

If his reasons for not having a third (and they sound perfectly reasonable to me, tbh) are selfish, then how is your wish for a third not selfish? I can't really understand from your OP what it is that makes you want one so much? You haven't given a rationale, whereas his position seems clear and valid.