To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

[Toastedteacake88]

Hello
Ive got two lovely little boys ages 6 and 4. I have wanted a third for a while now and go through phases of feeling at peace with sticking with two. But then Ill revert back to yearning for another baby which I’m sure would be our last and the sadness in feeling over my husband saying no is feeling overwhelming.
His reasons are that he feels our family is complete, he is enjoying getting a bit of our freedom back and time to ourselves now the boys are a bit older and easier to arrange childcare for. He also states finances as a reason because he was adamant about them going to private school so we couldn’t afford to put a third through. He also has made hints about returning to play his favourite sport which hasn’t been possible the last few years because I found it too much having the boys all day on Saturdays (when if he was at home we’d be able to share the load and get rest etc).
I just feel like some of his reasons are selfish. He’s making a life long decision based on temporary things like us having a bit more time to ourselves back.
I’ve suggested we go to counselling over it.
before anyone suggests it, I would never leave him so that I could meet someone else and have another baby. I love our family unit.
im just so sad we can’t expand it.

just to add, we had a traumatic time with our second as he needed very serious surgery as a baby. He’s absolutely fine now. I don’t think it’s a major factor in how I feel about wanting another but I do think the experience of having a “normal” newborn phase would be healing.
my husband says that what happened with our second is not a factor in him not wanting another.

advice please on how to feel better!

This!

golf every Saturday is wildly unfair

I agree with your husband's position.

Why would you have another baby if you can't handle the two you have for a day by yourself? Keeping your husband at home by having another baby could really cause resentment.

Your having another baby would not heal the pain you felt from your second son's surgery. Plus, there are no guarantees. You might consider therapy if it's still affecting you after 4 years.

Two things can be the case - you are not unreasonable for feeling resentful about not having a third and he is not unreasonable for not wanting one. I have been there and it’s hard - wanting a third is not necessarily logical and it’s not something you can easily just get over. You can only really acknowledge how you feel (perhaps he needs to as well), allow yourself to feel it and as time goes by the feeling will lessen if not go away.

I really feel for you OP and have been in a very very similar position. It was a good 3 years of heartbreak as I came to terms with it, but ultimately I had to do so, as I couldn't risk bringing a child into the world who was going to cause resentment between us. Similar to you, my husbands reasons were very 'head' and mine were all 'heart' but that doesn't make either of the reasons more or less valid. It's a loss, you are allowed to grieve it, and with time it will hurt less.

I never understood the need for 3 kids.

How do you know you’ll stop there?
What if you have a third and then want another and another?

I think 2 kids with a small age gap sounds perfect.
Having a 3rd with a 5+ year age gap could cause all sorts of problems.

If you couldn’t cope with your own two young children for one day on a weekend I can understand his reluctance to agree to a third sorry

OP admits she can't deal with two children without her husband's help. Why is a third a good idea in this situation?

What’s to say your third newborn phase would be calm and healing , from someone who has 3, it was anything but.
id be inclined to stick with 2 and enjoy the freedom with your husband that being out the baby stage brings. If he takes up this hobby make sure you get the same time

Having a child to heal the experience of having the last one would be the height of selfishness.

You can't create a whole human life (and ask someone to be a parent again) just to fix a difficult experience. A child deserves to be wanted for itself.

She's admitted she can't look after the two children she's got on her own, and you think her having a third would be a good idea?

I really can’t get my head around you not being able to manage looking after your own children and then wanting to have another one. I know children have two parents but having more than you can manage without help is madness. Like those people who get big dogs and can’t walk them because they aren’t strong enough.

I think your reason is much more selfish than his…. You’ve effectively said you want a newborn - to create a whole new person - as therapy for how difficult things were with your second. What if that newborn experience is not perfect either, would you then want a fourth?

Sorry OP but your DH gets to say no for any reason or no reason. It's shit but both of you have to want it and you don't.

I didn’t say it was a good idea or not a good idea. I said I understood the feeling

I didn’t say good idea or not good idea. I empathised with the yearning

You struggle to look after the two children you have? Would having a third child be a good idea? Also, think ahead to the teen years OP, they aren’t cheap
at all!

As a previous poster says, I also really understand this desire as I was the same - and I have to say now we’ve got our third child I feel completely done and like this is how it’s meant to be. So you are not BU to feel the way you do.

BUT your husband has to be on board too. And I think the fact you struggle to look after the two kids you do have by yourself should be a big pause for thought - it is really difficult taking two kids and a baby out or entertaining them all at once. And life means you do often have to do that solo. How would you actually cope? Especially if your husband is ready to move on from the baby stage psychologically?

It does really slow down the move to the next phase of life, and you’re back with nappies and sleepless nights and nap schedules. It sounds like your husband is ready for date nights and big kid adventures and that’s fair enough. I think you need to either figure out how you could actually cope better and make your pitch to him one last time, or find a way to accept the positives of sticking with two.

I sympathise but I agree with your husband here. We had a fairly traumatic NICU experience with my first, and a second baby did not fix that, in fact it gave me PTSD through the whole pregnancy, especially when I did everything right in my second pregnancy, but still had high risk complications, early delivery and extensive hospital visits for the first few months. A band aid baby will not fix that experience for you, but individual therapy might help.

If it makes you feel better, we did do therapy after our first. It helped us to re-focus on us, what we saw in each other, and how to support each other better. I was so hell bent on getting pregnant again after the first one, and just being done with it that it had become a major issue for my husband who needed time and space to decompress from what was frankly a hellish first year with a baby. We did go onto have another baby several years later, but through the choice of both of us. If one person really dissents, well you see it here a lot, "dad awol during pregnancy" "dad feeling depressed" "dad not involved" etc. Don't mess up what actually sounds like a good marriage and great family for a "what if".

In this I think a woman's feelings should take first place - though obviously not without a limit.
Women are time limited for having children, men are not - I imagine if men knew they were unlikely to have another child after 45 or so their attitude would be utterly different.
Maybe there should be compulsary vasectomies for married men at 50 to concentrate their thinking on the subject.

You can’t have another DC because you want to have a better experience of pregnancy/birth/newborn phase. I did want a second anyway but if I’m being honest part of it was because i really wanted to go into natural labour and not be induced. And guess what - I had a cs. While i was waiting for the cs I had a moment of panic and total devastation as I felt cheated. You can’t presume that another DC will give you a better experience. You just can’t.

You think a man should be forced to father a child he doesn't want? Firstly, that's insane and secondly, what sort of a relationship is he likely to have with the child and the mother afterwards?

Your hypothetical third baby would be coming into the world with a 'job'. In this case, to provide you with a more typical newborn experience to help you heal from what happened to your second son. What if s/he doesn't provide that?

I would suggest that counselling would be a better step towards healing, which I sincerely hope you do achieve in the future.

Even without a third I wouldn't be happy with him planning to have every Saturday to himself, that's not fair.

This! I missed this point you made @Toastedteacake88 tbh I feel you definitely need counselling! This is NOT a reason to have another dc! What if it’s traumatic all over again?? What would you do then…want another?? Insanity!

A friend of mine threatened to leave her husband if he didn't agree to a third child. He didn't take kindly to her threats and divorced her. She never had a third, is now living alone and has to share her children 50% with her ex husband. She is miserable and wishes she never pushed for a third!