To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

[Toastedteacake88]

Hello
Ive got two lovely little boys ages 6 and 4. I have wanted a third for a while now and go through phases of feeling at peace with sticking with two. But then Ill revert back to yearning for another baby which I’m sure would be our last and the sadness in feeling over my husband saying no is feeling overwhelming.
His reasons are that he feels our family is complete, he is enjoying getting a bit of our freedom back and time to ourselves now the boys are a bit older and easier to arrange childcare for. He also states finances as a reason because he was adamant about them going to private school so we couldn’t afford to put a third through. He also has made hints about returning to play his favourite sport which hasn’t been possible the last few years because I found it too much having the boys all day on Saturdays (when if he was at home we’d be able to share the load and get rest etc).
I just feel like some of his reasons are selfish. He’s making a life long decision based on temporary things like us having a bit more time to ourselves back.
I’ve suggested we go to counselling over it.
before anyone suggests it, I would never leave him so that I could meet someone else and have another baby. I love our family unit.
im just so sad we can’t expand it.

just to add, we had a traumatic time with our second as he needed very serious surgery as a baby. He’s absolutely fine now. I don’t think it’s a major factor in how I feel about wanting another but I do think the experience of having a “normal” newborn phase would be healing.
my husband says that what happened with our second is not a factor in him not wanting another.

advice please on how to feel better!

Neither one of you are wrong and neither one of you should be trying to change the other person’s mind, it’s a personal decision and any reason is entirely valid.

The only way you’re both going to get through this is to listen to each other and support each other with the next phase, don’t dismiss any reason between you for who you feel, but the frank truth is there is no compromise that can be had here, and ultimately you should only have a child when both are 100% on board. But your DH can still support you and help you through this. If you can’t get over it, you have a difficult decision to make.

Having a child is not a “need”, its a want. A powerful want maybe, but definitely a want.

Particularly if they already have two children.

Why should the desire for even more children take emotional or ethical precedence over the right of the existing children to have their needs met, the right of the other parent to not have a child and the right of the unborn child to be wanted by both parents?

I’m sorry I’m sure someone will be along shortly to say no one can ever understand the primal longing for another child etc, but I think it’s childish to turn this into an issue when you have two healthy existing children. Understandable to be disappointed and sad. Not understandable to stew on it and turn it into a schism in the family.

"It's like he's prioritising getting back to playing cricket whilst he's still young enough over having another member of the family!"

Yes, he is. He WANTS to play cricket, so he's prioritising that, over another child that he so clearly is telling you he doesn't want.

Yes but there's no real reason for a third other than "you want one".

Honestly having your life back a bit after babies and small children is incredible and you could drag me to hell before I went back to nappies and no sleep.

All 3 of you could come and watch him now. He doesn't need to wait 5 years for it to be four of you.

Agree with this. All of it.

A man does not owe his partner as many children as SHE wants.

Why does he need counselling? His reasoning is sound and he's happy. Be grateful for what you have. Your children each have a sibling.

I get the yearning OP but your husband has totally valid reasons and not selfish at all.
Your want doesn't mean that it's right for the family unit.
I initially wanted a third until I realised the level that life would have to shift. Most things in life for families are geared towards 2 children, from holiday set up to car options to family passes for places.
DH was always happy at 2 so I respected that and he got the snip!

The financial step up is often high and that's not short term that's minimum 18 years (or til 22ish if going to uni).

It is hard, when one partner feels one way and one partner the other, but unfortunately the fact you don’t agree with him doesn’t make his feelings wrong, and it certainly doesn’t make him selfish. It sounds as though he is generally a committed, good father but that he’s happy with his lot as it is. You say that you could go down as a four to watch him, but that’s not the point (and you don’t do that now as a three so that’s years off anyway!)
My husband is similarly minded, although has slightly different reasons for not wanting a third, and although it hurts to accept I won’t have any more children, I know it’s the right thing. I can’t imagine forcing the issue, or trying to emotionally twist his arm, and having a child who wasn’t 100% wanted by both parents.

I think MN is quite rightly anti a 3rd child when it’s “we are in a one bed 6th floor flat with no lift, should we have another?”
However half of the parents in this case don’t want a third. A disinterested parent is incredibly damaging for a child. I’d also be worried a third roll of the dice would bring disabilities/ND’s which will impact the older kids.

Going to watch the cricket game - probably not, you’ll be driving the kids to their own matches if my experience is anything to go by. In fact Dad may have to give up his game to facilitate the kids sporting ambitions, thats how it works. Sporty dads tend to breed sporty kids!

How old are you OP? I felt like this late 30’s. I definitely didn’t want another, it was just hormones and soon went away.

I totally understand OP. My DH didn’t want a third. Mine are 8 and 10 and I am still sad about it and I don’t think that feeling will ever fully leave me. I wouldn’t have “accidentally” got pregnant, but sometimes I wish that I had (yes I’ll be flamed). I don’t have any advice.

What if the next baby has serious SEN or a birth defect? You already weren’t coping with two boys on your own. Think of how much worse off everyone’s lives would be. As it stands you will never have to deal with nor your children endure the state school system. That alone would make me very happy to stick at 2.

It doesn’t sound like there’s any compromise from the OP though, her husband has already given up his hobby for years and she’s expecting him to do so for a lot longer because she wants a third child and can’t cope (her own words) with even two of them by herself.

Needing him to agree to a third child he doesn’t even want but still expecting him to not restart his hobby and stay home on Saturdays means it’s all on her terms.

For what it’s worth I’m not against 3 children, I say this as someone who is pregnant with a third baby and two younger children than the OP’s. 😅

It's scary to see some people talk about bringing life as a 'need' rather than just a desire i.e., want. And there's nothing wrong with a want.

But considering the immense possibility of damaging human life (intentionally or not - how many young people are in therapy these days?), adding the fact that the other parent does not have the desire to bring in an additional number, it feels unfair to the unborn child especially to want to have them.

The trauma from the 2nd birth is still present, and I would strongly recommend seeking support in that regard. However, there is no guarantee for a 'normal' birth. There is no guarantee for a 'healthy' child.

The desire seems to be for a baby as opposed to the reality that it is human life being brought into the world that will grow into a teenager and adult that you may or may not like.

Having another child to heal you from the trauma of your 2nd is unsettling.

I had intense biological cravings for a third child. But they went away and I am so glad they did.

Tbh, I agree with your DH. Two is such a good number. You are never outnumbered. It's just about affordable. They are close in age. With three, the constant juggling to keep everyone happy and occupied in the holidays, to be able to afford extra curricular for everyone, to explain to the little one why the older one has more freedom, or to the older one why a day trip or dinner out has to accommodate the more limited interests of a younger one.

A close friend has three DC and she often commented that we seemed to make effortless family plans for holidays, days out, dinner, special outings etc as we all agreed on what to do, but with her three at different ages and stages it was a constant battleground. Not to mention the taxi-ing to and from schools and clubs at different times.

I would have found it exhausting. It is 50% more work on top of what you already have, and 30% less attention for each of your existing DC which could make them play up, creating even more work.

You are making yourself sound more ridiculous with every post!
He just wants some of his own life back, and who can blame him when you haven’t even been able to manage when he plays a sport he loves.
Being a parent doesn’t (shouldn’t) mean you cease to exist as a person with your own agency.
You’ve got a family, do you not have anything else going on in your life besides the desire to breed? I think that’s a pity. Do you work? Have a career? Hobbies?
Find other things to give you fulfilment, just like your husband is longing to.
If I were him, I would be booking the vasectomy appointment ASAP.
You are being wholly unreasonable.

If you can’t manage two small boys alone on a Saturday I wouldn’t be adding another to the family. I agree with your DH.

Someone once said that women often want another baby.Just Nature I guess. Its hard to realise that your youngest was your "last" as such, and you wont have that lovely freshly minted newborn again.However two children is a nice number.I have two older now ,and feel happy with that figure .The COL is so high now, and having both at private School is a wonderful advantage for them. Mine had private tuition ,many after school clubs and holidays here and abroad. with 3 it will be a stretch I think and also 1 child "each" is easier to manage as well

@waddlepenguin

It's scary to see some people talk about bringing life as a 'need' rather than just a desire i.e., want. And there's nothing wrong with a want.

I agree. I will probably get shot but I have always found it quite spoiled when people who already have healthy children go on about having powerful “biological yearnings” or “urges” to have more when it’s very obviously not in anyone’s interests.

You want another kid, you can’t have one. It probably hurts for a bit and by all means feel sorry for yourself but stop painting it with this quasi pagan Mother Earth bollocks. You’re not some specially chosen fertility vessel and there is no mythical entitlement to keep having more children.

Seeing people talk about it as deep biological urge or something is so bizarre to me!

We have 2 and my OH would like a 3rd (I am F, he is M). My youngest is 2 and it's just starting to get a bit easier. He is sleeping better (they've both been pretty bad sleepers). I am starting to get my fitness back after struggling to be consistent for the last 5 years (eldest is 5 soon).

I can see that another baby would be lovely in some ways but I have found it hard having to sacrifice so much to be a parent. Whilst my OH has sacrificed just as much (aside from growing them and BFing them he has done just as much as me, if not more) he feels like it would be worth going through it again. I disagree. That doesn't make me any more selfish than him, because having another child is not an altruistic act - HE wants another child because it would make HIM happy. There's nothing wrong with wanting another kid but let's not pretend it's inherently less selfish than not wanting one.

Neither of us is wrong in our positions but ultimately because we don't agree, we won't have another child. I know it must be frustrating for you but you are a team and you both need to be on board.

I think you need to work on accepting his decision and not being resentful.

You can’t help how you feel and imo you’re feelings are valid, but so are your DH’s.

I’m currently pregnant with our second and I’m so gutted I won’t experience this again, the snuggly newborn and the kicks etc but DH is against a 3rd and logically and financially he is right so although I will probably always have that “what if” I know we are doing the right thing stopping at 2.

I noticed you mentioned finding it a lot on a Saturday all day with just the 2 boys so imagine how you would feel with 3!

Your DH doesn’t need counselling and I think it’s a slippery slope you’re going down right now. I would maybe get therapy for yourself.

Your DH isn’t being selfish

I am on DH’s side here but I do get the not done yet feelings, remember how lucky you are to have 2 beautiful kids I know it’s cliche but not everyone gets to experience that x

I’ve had a lot of therapy and don’t feel I need any more (nor does the therapist) regarding my second’s surgery.

Just to answer a couple of people who have mentioned it - my son was born with a heart defect which has been ‘corrected’. He’s doing great now and is on yearly check ups.

To clarify again - I used the wrong wording about having my boys on the Saturday. I didn’t mean I couldn’t cope, I meant that the whole day without my husband didn’t seem to work for our family when the weekend is only two days. Please stop saying I can’t cope with two kids so how will I cope with three - it’s not even up for debate.

Lastly to the person who suggested maybe I want a third baby because I’ve not got much going on in my life. I run my own successful business, have a great group of friends and have my own hobbies. I come from a pretty dysfunctional family growing up and yearned for my own lovely family unit which I feel like we’ve managed to create. We’ve experienced trauma along the way with my second being critically ill but I try to see the positive side to things. I think growing up in such a volatile, emotionally difficult family environment really contributes to me wanting a large family.

The suggestion of counselling with my husband is not to convince him to see my side it’s to help us reach a mutual peace with the situation. No good therapist would help someone to convince their husband to have another baby!

If your family was volatile and emotionally difficult, all the more reason to keep your family unit manageable financially, and to have more time to spend with each child, listening to them, helping them build resilience, fostering their interests and strengths, overcoming their weaknesses. The bigger the family, the less attention you can give to ensuring it is emotionally functional and not volatile.

This is why you’re not getting any sympathy. It’s all you you you. But it’s not you you you. It’s your husband and 2 other kids fgs