To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

[Toastedteacake88]

Hello
Ive got two lovely little boys ages 6 and 4. I have wanted a third for a while now and go through phases of feeling at peace with sticking with two. But then Ill revert back to yearning for another baby which I’m sure would be our last and the sadness in feeling over my husband saying no is feeling overwhelming.
His reasons are that he feels our family is complete, he is enjoying getting a bit of our freedom back and time to ourselves now the boys are a bit older and easier to arrange childcare for. He also states finances as a reason because he was adamant about them going to private school so we couldn’t afford to put a third through. He also has made hints about returning to play his favourite sport which hasn’t been possible the last few years because I found it too much having the boys all day on Saturdays (when if he was at home we’d be able to share the load and get rest etc).
I just feel like some of his reasons are selfish. He’s making a life long decision based on temporary things like us having a bit more time to ourselves back.
I’ve suggested we go to counselling over it.
before anyone suggests it, I would never leave him so that I could meet someone else and have another baby. I love our family unit.
im just so sad we can’t expand it.

just to add, we had a traumatic time with our second as he needed very serious surgery as a baby. He’s absolutely fine now. I don’t think it’s a major factor in how I feel about wanting another but I do think the experience of having a “normal” newborn phase would be healing.
my husband says that what happened with our second is not a factor in him not wanting another.

advice please on how to feel better!

I am sorry for your situation but you can't use a baby to make yourself feel better about what has gone before.

i think if you felt that handling the two boys on your own on wknds was too difficult then I think a 3rd is a bad idea.

Yes that is sad- incredibly sad. Probably devastating I imagine. I know I’m very lucky I’ve never had to experience that.

It is ‘less sad’ to accept not having a third child. Definitely a lot less sad. But still quite sad for the person in that situation at that point in time. It won’t hurt forever but the OP and others like her are allowed to be sad about it for a while.

MN is full of threads where posters are feeling sad or aggrieved for all sorts of big and small reasons.

I'm blown away that you can't cope with your 2 children for a whole day. If I were your husband I'd definitely say NO to a third 🙄🤣

People are often very fucking mean to posters talking about their desire for a third child on MN... You've taken it very well OP! I totally understand your desire, and the sadness over no more newborn/toddler phase. I'm still coming to terms with it, it's bloody hard

I hope DH realises that pretty soon he won't be able to do his weekend sport because he'll be ferrying the existing two to their various sports activities.

I think you'll feel better once you accept it's not happening and focus on the positives in your life and the children you have.

What's the alternative? Force the issue? Destroy your marriage and your children's family?

That's not what she said at all.
In what world is it good for the DC, let alone the OP, that their father prioritises an entire day of his sport rather than spend time with them? And I say that as a huge cricket fan.
BTW - he doesn't need to be young. They're still playing into their 60s at my local club.

The sporting activities that they may not even want to do you mean? I never ferried mine around all weekend anywhere. We aren't slaves to their wants , parents are people too

Yes, my rule with teenage DS is that he chooses activities/sports he can get himself to on public transport.

As someone that has 3 children Yabu!

I've said this before, but I do find the attitude around having multiple children a bit odd (although I appreciate the oddness may be all mine).

In every other context I can think of, if you already have several of something - cars, houses, helpings of dessert, even - you're seen as being a bit greedy for wanting even more. I don't understand why it's so different with children, especially with the environmental impact of producing more humans.

Because both parents don't want them

We had one based on his reasoning. Awful place for you both to be in and hope you find a way to resolve it. (I can’t think of how) but there must be a way forward. One was hard on us even though I would love for her to have stayed little!!!

Only (half) joking, but have you tried suggesting your DH can resume cricket IF he goes for a third?

@Toastedteacake88 There's some seriously nasty responses to you on here.... I dont get why people join a forum like this just to dig the knife in or make you feel bad for asking such a natural question, maybe their lives are lacking something. @confusedbydating @ginasevern ?

Anyway, completely natural to be wanting a third, I think a lot of us women always yearn for one more. I'll never feel quite done and swing between being happy with my family as it is, and thinking I desperately want one more.

It's just nature. Sometimes I feel like I love my kids so so much, having one more just multiplies that and I want more of it! Heart vs head.

It's just nature. Sometimes I feel like I love my kids so so much, having one more just multiplies that and I want more of it! Heart vs head.

I love DD so much, but I can't identify with this at all. I'm definitely a head over heart type.

You want to have a baby to heal
your trauma?? Nope

But a baby is not therapy

I adore DS and I’ve loved being his parent. It still never occurred to me to have another.

Eh? Did you read my post?

I wasn’t nasty. I didn’t insult her. I didn’t abuse her. I didn’t defame her. I was honest with her. That’s more valuable than performative niceness. She might thank me in 5 years for my honesty. She won’t thank me for being an echo chamber.

tbh I don’t know why her therapist didn’t pick up on this but thats between them.