To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

[Toastedteacake88]

Hello
Ive got two lovely little boys ages 6 and 4. I have wanted a third for a while now and go through phases of feeling at peace with sticking with two. But then Ill revert back to yearning for another baby which I’m sure would be our last and the sadness in feeling over my husband saying no is feeling overwhelming.
His reasons are that he feels our family is complete, he is enjoying getting a bit of our freedom back and time to ourselves now the boys are a bit older and easier to arrange childcare for. He also states finances as a reason because he was adamant about them going to private school so we couldn’t afford to put a third through. He also has made hints about returning to play his favourite sport which hasn’t been possible the last few years because I found it too much having the boys all day on Saturdays (when if he was at home we’d be able to share the load and get rest etc).
I just feel like some of his reasons are selfish. He’s making a life long decision based on temporary things like us having a bit more time to ourselves back.
I’ve suggested we go to counselling over it.
before anyone suggests it, I would never leave him so that I could meet someone else and have another baby. I love our family unit.
im just so sad we can’t expand it.

just to add, we had a traumatic time with our second as he needed very serious surgery as a baby. He’s absolutely fine now. I don’t think it’s a major factor in how I feel about wanting another but I do think the experience of having a “normal” newborn phase would be healing.
my husband says that what happened with our second is not a factor in him not wanting another.

advice please on how to feel better!

It’s not “like” he’s prioritising…he IS prioritising and that is OK, because he doesn’t WANT another child! It’s that simple, he doesn’t want it!

It really is - have you been around here for many years? Even when both parents want kids, the consensus is 2 is the max. There’s a current thread going about it (and also many many many old ones)

Been there. Hard decision to made by you both. I don’t think his NEED to stop at 2, should override your NEED for no 3.

But both parent don’t want a third child. One of them really doesn’t .
So you are just shit stirring.
People can have as many children as they can properly care for. But ideally only if both parents choose it.

What about the husband possibly resenting being forced to change his mind on having another kid? Which would be horrible for everyone. Some people are just never happy. Who knows if three would even be enough. And if it's another boy how long before "I'm missing out on having a daughter?"

I don't think he is being any more selfish than you. It boils down to what you want and what he wants. One set of wants is not more valid than another.

I think it's much easier to have two than three, for all sort of reasons. You have two healthy children - why do you need another one?

He has good reasons . Would he be more amenable if he could play his sport on Saturdays?

Not read the thread but I was you, desperate for a third, DH said NO

yesh he was right - when they get to teenagers you will be glad of two I promise.

it’s a different world now, two is def better

And vice versa, yes? Her need for another child shouldn’t override his need not to have another child.

All three of you could go down and watch him
play.

@KimberleyClarkExactly. Somebody, has to sacrifice their need. It’s a crap situation. It appears this thread is predominantly in the favour of the dad and his need/want. Mum matters too.

Not when it comes to bringing another human into the world that only one half of the parenting unit wants it doesn’t.

Certainly not. As a child deserves to be wanted by both parents, the parent who doesn’t want to have another child gets a veto.

Exactly. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents

The potential child matters more than either parent. If one parent doesn’t want to have that child, it’s a no-go, no matter how badly the other parent wants them.

Having another child, especially an unwanted one, means making far more sacrifices than not having one.

Well if it's that important then leave the husband and have another baby with someone else who wants one. He can't stop her doing that

I think the thread is predominantly in favour of a child having two willing parents.

OP, it’s a joint decision, with pros and cons, current vs future reasons, including chance of regret for a yes or a no, to be made by you both as a couple. Planned, true, open and honest conversation.

Hypothetical ‘dad is right, because a baby deserves to be wanted by both’ should not overrule the decision process now, where both of your view points are taken into deep consideration, reflected upon, with all feelings acknowledged.
Your original idea of counselling together, could be explored before your final decision as a couple? (as you don’t sound like you’re there yet) - your own good advice on how to feel better.

Nobody can tell you that you will feel relieved in 10 years for not having a baby because they did, or you’ll look back and regret not having a baby, because they did. Our growth, needs and healing are all different and individual. You need unbiased support from community.

I don’t ageee with you at all. There cannot be a compromise on a binary choice- one person has to get their wish 100% whilst the other does not get anything they want. It is unfortunate, but that is life.

There is no “community’ say or support needed as to whether they have another child. Both parties feelings do matter,and op is not wrong in her desire for a 3rd child, but nor is he wrong to not want to expand their family. ultimately the one saying “ I do not want more children” has the final say because a child deserves to be wanted by both parent and nobody should force/coerce or emotionally blackmail someone into have a child. It’s not right or fair. OP’s husband has been honest about his feelings and her DH have had a discussion about another child and he has given her his reasons. She just does not agree they are valid, which is unreasonable.

OP’s husband is not saying she cannot ever have a 3rd child. He is saying she can’t have one with him. OP is entitled to decide that this is a dealbreaker for her and move on in the hope of finding someone to have a 3rd child with (or via sperm donation etc) but she has absolutely no right to try and force her husband to have another child because that’s what she wants. I know op has said she does not intend to leave- therefore she has made a decision for herself with regard to a 3rd DC.

counselling should never be done in attempt to persuade orcoerce someone into doing something they have already stated they do not want. A good counsellor is mover going to provide an opinion one way or another on whether a couple should have a baby and would not be involved in supporting OP to get her way. They would only be there to facilitate any issues within their marriage brought up by this difference, not to get one party to change their mind. In op\s DH’s position I would not agree to counselling given her current framing it as a way to get me to change my mind because my reasons for not wanting more children were selfish and invalid. That is not the basis to progress to counselling. OP may benefit from counselling for herself to work through her feelings related to their 2nd son’s birth and her idea a 3rd would be healing if it were “normal”, to and to help her with her feelings regarding her desire for a 3rd child which her husband won’t agree to.

I agree you’re being unreasonable and I think you should get therapy to heal from the previous birth trauma instead of having another baby (which could again be traumatic - pregnancy, birth, pp risks) that your husband really didn’t want instead

I think you'd find if a dad posted on here that he wanted a third child but his wife didn't that the overwhelming majority would side with the wife. Having children should be because both parents are enthusiastically consenting and that's all there should be to say on the matter.

Your DH’s reasons for not having another child are perfectly reasonable.

`He wants to take part in his hobby, which is fair enough, as it would be if you had an hobby, and if you couldn’t manage 2 alone, you’d find 3 impossible.

Plus the finances.

Just enjoy the two you’ve got.

@jacks11@jacks11You've misinterpreted my point on counselling and talking things through. She is not healed and needs more time to accept a joint decision and he needs to support her accordingly. It is not for persuasion of having a 3rd or persuasion of not having one, it is an impartial person, to help them both see each other's viewpoint when help with her healing, as ultimately her loving her husband and staying with him is her decision, yet he still needs to understand her deep desire while they confirm this decision together.

The community comment I mean like yours, telling her to get her own counselling and deal alone with something that should be done together. So yes, let’s agree to disagree on how she moves forward. She asked for help on how she can feel better. It doesn’t appear she is coming back to read anything anyway. Take care.

I don’t think Mumsnet is “anti” people having three children. Its just that in this scenario its very clear that its not the right thing to do.

The needs of the person not wanting more children always take priority for obvious reasons. Talking about using counselling to “bring someone round” to an idea they are clearly set against for sensible reasons suggests someone without a good grasp on reality.