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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

212 replies

Toastedteacake88 · 18/03/2026 17:59

Hello
Ive got two lovely little boys ages 6 and 4. I have wanted a third for a while now and go through phases of feeling at peace with sticking with two. But then Ill revert back to yearning for another baby which I’m sure would be our last and the sadness in feeling over my husband saying no is feeling overwhelming.
His reasons are that he feels our family is complete, he is enjoying getting a bit of our freedom back and time to ourselves now the boys are a bit older and easier to arrange childcare for. He also states finances as a reason because he was adamant about them going to private school so we couldn’t afford to put a third through. He also has made hints about returning to play his favourite sport which hasn’t been possible the last few years because I found it too much having the boys all day on Saturdays (when if he was at home we’d be able to share the load and get rest etc).
I just feel like some of his reasons are selfish. He’s making a life long decision based on temporary things like us having a bit more time to ourselves back.
I’ve suggested we go to counselling over it.
before anyone suggests it, I would never leave him so that I could meet someone else and have another baby. I love our family unit.
im just so sad we can’t expand it.

just to add, we had a traumatic time with our second as he needed very serious surgery as a baby. He’s absolutely fine now. I don’t think it’s a major factor in how I feel about wanting another but I do think the experience of having a “normal” newborn phase would be healing.
my husband says that what happened with our second is not a factor in him not wanting another.

advice please on how to feel better!

OP posts:
MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 19/03/2026 10:28

Toastedteacake88 · 19/03/2026 10:20

I’ve had a lot of therapy and don’t feel I need any more (nor does the therapist) regarding my second’s surgery.

Just to answer a couple of people who have mentioned it - my son was born with a heart defect which has been ‘corrected’. He’s doing great now and is on yearly check ups.

To clarify again - I used the wrong wording about having my boys on the Saturday. I didn’t mean I couldn’t cope, I meant that the whole day without my husband didn’t seem to work for our family when the weekend is only two days. Please stop saying I can’t cope with two kids so how will I cope with three - it’s not even up for debate.

Lastly to the person who suggested maybe I want a third baby because I’ve not got much going on in my life. I run my own successful business, have a great group of friends and have my own hobbies. I come from a pretty dysfunctional family growing up and yearned for my own lovely family unit which I feel like we’ve managed to create. We’ve experienced trauma along the way with my second being critically ill but I try to see the positive side to things. I think growing up in such a volatile, emotionally difficult family environment really contributes to me wanting a large family.

You have your own set of hobbies, but resent your husband returning to his…

Toastedteacake88 · 19/03/2026 10:31

confusedbydating · 19/03/2026 10:25

This is why you’re not getting any sympathy. It’s all you you you. But it’s not you you you. It’s your husband and 2 other kids fgs

I put a post on here to get advice for something that's bothering me so wouldn't I naturally talk more about my side of things??

OP posts:
Toastedteacake88 · 19/03/2026 10:31

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 19/03/2026 10:28

You have your own set of hobbies, but resent your husband returning to his…

Mine don't take up the whole of Saturday

OP posts:
confusedbydating · 19/03/2026 10:32

Toastedteacake88 · 19/03/2026 10:31

I put a post on here to get advice for something that's bothering me so wouldn't I naturally talk more about my side of things??

Because a 3rd baby needs to be not just in your interests. You need to think about your 2 boys. You haven’t said how it will benefit them. You’ve just gone on about your trauma and how you want to heal yourself through others instead of doing the work

Missey85 · 19/03/2026 10:44

LifeIsShambolic · 18/03/2026 18:20

I have to ask, is it one last try for a girl?

That's what I was thinking 🤔 OP wants a mini me

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 19/03/2026 10:47

Toastedteacake88 · 19/03/2026 10:31

Mine don't take up the whole of Saturday

No, but presumably they take up other time? Time in which you are not doing the child care.

Hobbies are great. Getting time back to have a life outside of children is great, more, it’s vital.

As others have said, your husband has given lots of valid reasons for not wanting a larger family. The only reasons you have given for wanting a third are ‘because I always wanted a bigger family’ - great, but so what? I always wanted to live in a massive house, be a rock star and not have to work much, but reality got in the way. There is a difference between fantasy and what actually works.
And that you think another child will help heal the pain of the difficult experience you had with your second child. A child should never be brought into the world to try and fix anything. Therapy might help there but not a child. And, as others have said, both parents need to want this or you bring a child into the world who may be resented.

Toastedteacake88 · 19/03/2026 10:50

Missey85 · 19/03/2026 10:44

That's what I was thinking 🤔 OP wants a mini me

After having a child who was seriously ill i can't get my head round people who have a preference of boy or girl. I would just like a healthy baby.
So you're wrong.
Plus if i'm being totally honest, I would be nervous about having a girl because the women in my family are complicated. I feel like my boys are pretty straight forward

OP posts:
Toastedteacake88 · 19/03/2026 10:54

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 19/03/2026 10:47

No, but presumably they take up other time? Time in which you are not doing the child care.

Hobbies are great. Getting time back to have a life outside of children is great, more, it’s vital.

As others have said, your husband has given lots of valid reasons for not wanting a larger family. The only reasons you have given for wanting a third are ‘because I always wanted a bigger family’ - great, but so what? I always wanted to live in a massive house, be a rock star and not have to work much, but reality got in the way. There is a difference between fantasy and what actually works.
And that you think another child will help heal the pain of the difficult experience you had with your second child. A child should never be brought into the world to try and fix anything. Therapy might help there but not a child. And, as others have said, both parents need to want this or you bring a child into the world who may be resented.

Thank you for your reply, and all the replies similar to this.
Deep down I know there is nothing i can do about the situation. And I am very grateful for my lot in life. I am a very 'lead with the heart' type of person but I know that I should use my logical brain for this one. I probably know my husband is right but it's just hard sometimes.
I will definitely do what some of you have suggested about booking some days out with my kids to appreicate the ages they are at now. I've just booked to go on a city break with my eldest which will be fun and based on his interests, and we wouldn't be able to do that kind of thing with a newborn or even a baby on the way if i I had bad sickness or something.
Thanks for all your replies - even the harsh ones lol!

I like Mumsnet because even though I've annoyed loads of you, I've not annoyed my husband by banging on about another baby by talking about it on here instead

OP posts:
Waitingfordoggo · 19/03/2026 10:57

I hear you. DH and I always talked about having three but after our second, he said he didn’t want any more. It caused some resentment and tension for a while but we got through it. Nearly 18 years on, I’m glad we stuck with two. In practical terms, cars, holidays etc are all easier with two. The cost of living and global instability also make me glad we only have the two.

We didn’t send ours to private school but we have had some brilliant holidays and experiences which we wouldn’t have been able to afford with three.

When your hormones are very strongly telling you to have another baby, it’s painful not to. But you will get past it.

MajorProcrastination · 19/03/2026 11:41

I think it's fine to be a bit selfish about reasons not to have another because it's essentially about the lifestyle he wants for your children and him and you as a whole. If your eldest is 6 and he's not allowed to do the sport until I guess this imaginary 3rd is 4, that's potentially another half decade or more of not doing the sport, and with already over half a decade off, there's a chance that he'll age out of being able to play it at a certain level and will have lost well over a decade of doing something that I'd guess brings him joy, community, a sense of achievement, passion, physical activity in a form he enjoys, some friendships, all sorts. If my husband wasn't allowed to play his sport while our children were young, he and we would've lost so much of what enriches our lives as a whole family now.

I'm not saying a sport takes priority over a child but I feel like it's totally fine to say I love these 2 children we already have, I'm happy with our family unit but that I also want and need to do something with my time that's important to me.

I'd have loved one more baby but financially it just didn't work out at the time and now my youngest's 14 and I'm so happy with the life that we have with the children that we did have. We had ours much younger than most of our peers and we're getting that freedom and independence back into our lives now. And I love that we can do more grown up things with our children now that they're all teens. And I think it's been good for them to see both me and my husband pursuing our hobbies and interests and passions outside of work through sports, music, volunteering etc. That sport that my husband continued to play is now a big passion of our boys, he coaches one of the teams, they spend so much positive time together because of this sport. Sure, it's tricky when they're very young but we'd go and watch him, or when they got to an age where they had their own weekend sports and activities, he did his thing and I did the kid thing and it was fine because I did my things on weekday evenings.

One more baby becomes an extra child, an extra teen, an extra adult, an extra meal at every dinner out, an extra seat on every travel plan, an extra room on holidays, a more expensive bigger car, a more expensive bigger house, and so on. Even without the private schooling, it's not just a baby, it's a whole life.

But I do get it. I had great births, I enjoyed parenting, I think I did a decent job of it. But I've had to reflect that it was enough to do that all well for the number of children that we could afford not the number of children we could physically have. My husband was from a very large family and he really wanted to make sure we could give our kids the kind of experiences that he wasn't able to have when he was young because there were always so many people.

Toastedteacake88 · 19/03/2026 11:43

Thank you for your reply.

I think maybe at the heart of this I'm just totally gutted that the baby/toddler phase is totally done and dusted!! It's gone way too quickly

OP posts:
Howmanytimescanichangemyname · 19/03/2026 12:24

Toastedteacake88 · 19/03/2026 10:50

After having a child who was seriously ill i can't get my head round people who have a preference of boy or girl. I would just like a healthy baby.
So you're wrong.
Plus if i'm being totally honest, I would be nervous about having a girl because the women in my family are complicated. I feel like my boys are pretty straight forward

What if (god forbid) the baby wasn't healthy?

RampantIvy · 19/03/2026 12:32

I can't help but notice that on threads like this, the OP nearly always has children of pre-school or primary school age, whic, IMO, is the easiest age.

Life gets much more complicated when your children are at secondary school. You can kiss and cuddle a small child to make everything better, but you can't do this with a teenager when they have been dumped by their friends, bullied or failed an exam.

Never underestimate how much a teenager needs you on an emotional level.

Ninerainbows · 19/03/2026 12:37

RampantIvy · 19/03/2026 12:32

I can't help but notice that on threads like this, the OP nearly always has children of pre-school or primary school age, whic, IMO, is the easiest age.

Life gets much more complicated when your children are at secondary school. You can kiss and cuddle a small child to make everything better, but you can't do this with a teenager when they have been dumped by their friends, bullied or failed an exam.

Never underestimate how much a teenager needs you on an emotional level.

They nearly always will have primary age children because the average age of a first pregnancy is 30 and a lot of women seem to have a hormonal urge for a last baby in their late 30s and early 40s.

safetyfreak · 19/03/2026 12:46

I am glad my husband didn't give in to my urge and agree to a third, financially and emotionally, it would have been too much

I also have more time to devote to my two children.

Focus on your children, they are still so young and need you.

Radiostar0 · 19/03/2026 12:48

Toastedteacake88 · 19/03/2026 10:22

The suggestion of counselling with my husband is not to convince him to see my side it’s to help us reach a mutual peace with the situation. No good therapist would help someone to convince their husband to have another baby!

He has reached peace though, I mean this kindly but you’re being the issue here x

jeaux90 · 19/03/2026 12:51

He is being financially practical about the private school situation too if you can’t afford it x3.

MatildaTheCat · 19/03/2026 12:53

I was once in your situation and when DH said definitely no it was absolutely heartbreaking. Longing for a baby is painful and even if it would be a ridiculous decision to have a third it still hurts.

I don’t think there really is a cure, it just gets easier over a long period of time and eventually goes away. Ignore the unkind posters, it’s sad to want something so much and not be able to have it.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 19/03/2026 13:07

Both of your feelings are equally valid, OP. It's really tough when there's an issue that you just can't agree on and one of you has to compromise. Just take care that you don't let resentment creep in - there's been a lot of talk about counselling here, and I'd suggest you going on your own to help you come to terms with the decision.

If it helps, we had 4 DC - the 2nd of whom was stillborn. I think I could have just kept going in truth, there would never have been a part of me that was satisfied due to our loss and the stress that came with subsequent pregnancies. And thankfully DH recognised that. Medically the decision was made for me after our 4th was born, but it took me a long time to come to terms with. I wish you well Flowers

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 19/03/2026 13:08

Howmanytimescanichangemyname · 19/03/2026 12:24

What if (god forbid) the baby wasn't healthy?

Or if a baby boy wasn't emotionally straightforward?

OP, you are putting a LOT on imagined qualities of this child that doesn't exist.

gannett · 19/03/2026 13:13

Don't underestimate how much you can push away your existing family by hankering after another child. I have a friend whose mother was in this situation - stopped at two when she wanted more - and they're not close at all. My friend says that she, her dad and her brother increasingly felt like they weren't good enough for her mum, and it's had a knock-on effect on all their relationships as adults.

Waitingfordoggo · 19/03/2026 13:24

Toastedteacake88 · 19/03/2026 11:43

Thank you for your reply.

I think maybe at the heart of this I'm just totally gutted that the baby/toddler phase is totally done and dusted!! It's gone way too quickly

I strongly relate to this. It’s a bit paradoxical because I found the baby and toddler stage incredibly hard. But I sometimes yearn for it, even now that I’m nearly 50 and way past any possibility of having a baby. I had good pregnancies and really good births and I loved breastfeeding- I think I just found it hard to accept that I wouldn’t get to do it ever again (I did of course accept it eventually).

KimberleyClark · 19/03/2026 13:42

MatildaTheCat · 19/03/2026 12:53

I was once in your situation and when DH said definitely no it was absolutely heartbreaking. Longing for a baby is painful and even if it would be a ridiculous decision to have a third it still hurts.

I don’t think there really is a cure, it just gets easier over a long period of time and eventually goes away. Ignore the unkind posters, it’s sad to want something so much and not be able to have it.

I think it’s sad if one longs for a baby and can’t have one at all. It’s less sad when you have two healthy children but for whatever reason feel that’s not enough.

ginasevern · 19/03/2026 13:50

@Toastedteacake88 "It's like he's prioritising getting back to playing cricket whilst he's still young enough over having another member of the family!"

And I don't blame him. Believe it or not, there is actually more to life than just reproducing. Not everyone thinks that babies are the be all and end all of a happy existence.

RockyKeen · 19/03/2026 13:52

NaiceBalonz · 19/03/2026 07:58

"It's like he's prioritising getting back to playing cricket whilst he's still young enough over having another member of the family!"

Yes, he is. He WANTS to play cricket, so he's prioritising that, over another child that he so clearly is telling you he doesn't want.

This!

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