To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

[Toastedteacake88]

Hello
Ive got two lovely little boys ages 6 and 4. I have wanted a third for a while now and go through phases of feeling at peace with sticking with two. But then Ill revert back to yearning for another baby which I’m sure would be our last and the sadness in feeling over my husband saying no is feeling overwhelming.
His reasons are that he feels our family is complete, he is enjoying getting a bit of our freedom back and time to ourselves now the boys are a bit older and easier to arrange childcare for. He also states finances as a reason because he was adamant about them going to private school so we couldn’t afford to put a third through. He also has made hints about returning to play his favourite sport which hasn’t been possible the last few years because I found it too much having the boys all day on Saturdays (when if he was at home we’d be able to share the load and get rest etc).
I just feel like some of his reasons are selfish. He’s making a life long decision based on temporary things like us having a bit more time to ourselves back.
I’ve suggested we go to counselling over it.
before anyone suggests it, I would never leave him so that I could meet someone else and have another baby. I love our family unit.
im just so sad we can’t expand it.

just to add, we had a traumatic time with our second as he needed very serious surgery as a baby. He’s absolutely fine now. I don’t think it’s a major factor in how I feel about wanting another but I do think the experience of having a “normal” newborn phase would be healing.
my husband says that what happened with our second is not a factor in him not wanting another.

advice please on how to feel better!

Don't do it. I did and it cost me my marriage. Have councilling and stay at 2 boys.

Ah OP. I’ve been here. I had to ultimately respect my husbands wishes and we stuck with two. I still have a pang of regret but it doesn’t last long. As my kids have grown up life has become more challenging and I am glad I only have two to navigate life with.

I hope it passes for you.

He is selfish because he won't go along with your wants ! Are you not being a bit selfish too ?

I really feel for you OP. I've been mourning the third DC I will never have for about five years now. I love my two to pieces but I've longed for three since I was young. DH is adamant we won't have another though - citing the same reasons as your DH - so that's that. The constant grief and jealousy is overwhelming, and I cry on a daily basis. I'm ashamed to say I've cut contact with a friend who is currently pregnant with her third, because it's too painful to be around her, and I deleted social media several years ago, because every time I saw a photo of a family of five I got upset. I keep these thoughts completely to myself, but I'm just so full of anger and bitterness. I'm desperate to move past this but don't know how.

Affects

Stupid to say he’s selfish for not wanting a 3rd, you wanting a 3rd at the expense of your husbands feelings and being able to afford the same quality of life for your existing 2 kids is significantly more selfish.

I understand your DH. I have two DC who are 7 and 5. And it would absolutely kill me if I had to start over with a baby at this point. I feel like I’ve reached my limit of very young children parenting and couldn’t take it anymore. So yes it would be a big deal to have a 3rd and go through another year with a baby, years with a toddler and beyond. I love my kids and I’m so happy to have them, but at this stage I’m already really looking forward to getting some freedom back. It’s not a small thing. And in a way our daily life has only got more intense as now they both start to have hobbies and activities we need to accompany them to. So even if the actual childcare gets easier, the overall intensity won’t necessarily.

So you can't cope with 2 of them on your own but want to have another? In what world would this be a good idea

I think your dh is right

If you couldn’t cope with two kids why would you want a third? Sorry if that sounds harsh. I don’t mean it to be, I just can’t make sense of it

Yes, I have only just started to feel myself again in the past few months when I've picked up my hobbies again. My son is 2.5, and he's great fun, becoming easier all the time, and we can easily give each other a break.

Every time I get a twinge, I remember how miserable I was not to have the time or energy to do my hobbies.

And of course MN favours two children in this scenario - because it's fundamentally unreasonable to make someone have a child they don't want.

You can’t look after 2 children on your own and you want a third?? I don’t blame your husband one bit.

Also what others said above. If the two boys are too much for you to handle for a day, I wouldn’t recommend a third. It can be tiring for me as well to be solely responsible for the kids for a full day, but it’s nothing I couldn’t handle. I’ve done it lots of times and quite often end up having a nice day with the kids. Not saying this to imply I’m a better mum, but just for you to consider that maybe three kids might just be too much for you as well - it would be for me!

I just feel like some of his reasons are selfish.

No, love. That’s not how it works. ANY reason that you don’t want a child is valid.

All his reasons are completely valid. He doesn’t need counselling. It is far better for a parent to know their limits regarding number of children. Your reason is also selfish - you want another child.

Also you say you can’t cope with the 2 kids alone?? How can having a 3rd work??

I think you can only do more if both of you agree. I don’t like the idea that you’ve suggested you go to counselling over it - basically you’re saying his wishes are invalid and talking it over with someone else will make him come round to it.

I also agree with his reasoning completely. . But you don’t have to feel hunkydory about it at all. If you want to do counselling I suggest you go alone. And you shouldn’t have children because it would be “healing” - your DH is right to look at the bigger picture.

I understand how you feel. I am very lucky to have three children, but we had always planned for four. My husband now prefers to stick at three. I am truly grateful for my children, but can’t help but feel pangs for the fourth child I will never have.

Ultimately though, I understand that it is pretty essential for both parents want a child in order to go ahead and have one. So his “no” vote trumps my “yes”, no matter how brilliant anyone’s reasons are. The same should be the case for you, too, even though I know it must be hard to accept.

YANBU to want three. I’d love three, but we had DC2 at 39 and DH now thinks we’re too old to have DC3. It makes me really sad and I think I’ll always regret not having the third, but I can’t force my DH and nor should I. I expect I’ll feel sad for a long time.

Oh come on , how is he being selfish ? You sound selfish though .

Ahhhh I really didn't explain that well when I said about "finding it too much" having the boys all day on the Saturdays. He plays cricket so leaves at 10:30ish and gets back at 8 (if lucky). It wasn't that I couldn't manage it, it just felt like I then only had Sundays to get anything done where he could watch the boys for a bit and then we'd also want to spend time as a family so before we knew it the whole weekend vanished.
What I should have said is that him wanting to get back to playing cricket and that being a reason for not having a third... I find it a bit sad because one day all four of us could come down and watch him play! It's like he's prioritising getting back to playing cricket whilst he's still young enough over having another member of the family!

But he doesn't want another member of the family. Why would he want to continue to sacrifice a hobby for several more years for a baby he doesn't want?

Hmm…I wouldn’t say it’s just prioritizing cricket over a child. If he’s anything like me he’s just longing to get some of himself back. And that can be a big deal for him. It can have been tiring 6 years of parenting by now, and he’s tired of putting everyone else’s needs first every day of the week. So I’d say it’s about more than the cricket itself. It can be discussed if it’s fair for the other parent to spend half of the weekend doing his own hobby, but that isn’t the topic of your post.

You say it like that’s a bad choice… it’s a very valid choice!

Not wanting a child should never be put down to being 'selfish'. Someone having a child when they don't want one for whatever reason would be really stupid and potentially harmful for the child and those around them. You need to accept the decision and move on. He has given you some really valid reasons for not wanting a child, even not wanting another just because they don't would be reason enough.

Mn isn’t anti- three children, it simply thinks, rightly, that both parents need to want a child.