Page 9 | To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

Toastedteacake88 · 2026-03-18T17:59:37+00:00

Hello Ive got two lovely little boys ages 6 and 4. I have wanted a third for a while now and go through phases of feeling at peace with sticking with two. But then Ill revert back to yearning for another baby which I’m sure would be our last and the sadness in feeling over my husband saying no is feeling overwhelming. His reasons are that he feels our family is complete, he is enjoying getting a bit of our freedom back and time to ourselves now the boys are a bit older and easier to arrange childcare for. He also states finances as a reason because he was adamant about them going to private school so we couldn’t afford to put a third through. He also has made hints about returning to play his favourite sport which hasn’t been possible the last few years because I found it too much having the boys all day on Saturdays (when if he was at home we’d be able to share the load and get rest etc). I just feel like some of his reasons are selfish. He’s making a life long decision based on temporary things like us having a bit more time to ourselves back. I’ve suggested we go to counselling over it. before anyone suggests it, I would never leave him so that I could meet someone else and have another baby. I love our family unit. im just so sad we can’t expand it. just to add, we had a traumatic time with our second as he needed very serious surgery as a baby. He’s absolutely fine now. I don’t think it’s a major factor in how I feel about wanting another but I do think the experience of having a “normal” newborn phase would be healing. my husband says that what happened with our second is not a factor in him not wanting another. advice please on how to feel better!

Alovelycoffee · 20/03/2026 06:35

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Pinnacles · 20/03/2026 07:10

I'm with you OP. He is madly selfish - I know that's not the popular opinion on Mumsnet. But imagine he was saying let's not having sex again - everyone would say that is unreasonable and to ltb. Having children is just as strong a biological urge so why does he get the final say on having a baby? And for something like finances when you're already stable and it's the difference between private school or not - not putting bread on the table.

Moonnstarz · 20/03/2026 07:20

I don't think you need counselling together, he sounds like he has accepted his decision and there is no issue for him over this.

One thing that I do wonder is you seem annoyed about him resuming cricket which takes up the whole day. Is there an element of thinking if you had a baby then he wouldn't be able to do that and would have to stay home more? As if so that is not a good idea and more likely to push him away.
If this is where some of your frustrations lie, then you need to talk to him about his hobby taking over a whole day of the weekend and having less family time. You mention having your own busy business and own hobbies, but are these equal to the time he is out?

Alovelycoffee · 20/03/2026 07:23

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KimberleyClark · 20/03/2026 07:26

Pinnacles · 20/03/2026 07:10

I'm with you OP. He is madly selfish - I know that's not the popular opinion on Mumsnet. But imagine he was saying let's not having sex again - everyone would say that is unreasonable and to ltb. Having children is just as strong a biological urge so why does he get the final say on having a baby? And for something like finances when you're already stable and it's the difference between private school or not - not putting bread on the table.

Edited

Speechless!

Milkwomen · 20/03/2026 07:32

Pinnacles · 20/03/2026 07:10

I'm with you OP. He is madly selfish - I know that's not the popular opinion on Mumsnet. But imagine he was saying let's not having sex again - everyone would say that is unreasonable and to ltb. Having children is just as strong a biological urge so why does he get the final say on having a baby? And for something like finances when you're already stable and it's the difference between private school or not - not putting bread on the table.

Edited

Why would it be ‘madly selfish’ to prioritise his preferences over a child who doesn’t exist?

ValidPistachio · 20/03/2026 07:50

Pinnacles · 20/03/2026 07:10

I'm with you OP. He is madly selfish - I know that's not the popular opinion on Mumsnet. But imagine he was saying let's not having sex again - everyone would say that is unreasonable and to ltb. Having children is just as strong a biological urge so why does he get the final say on having a baby? And for something like finances when you're already stable and it's the difference between private school or not - not putting bread on the table.

Edited

You're saying he should be compelled to create and raise another human being for no other reason than because OP is experiencing a strong biological urge? What nonsense.

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/03/2026 09:23

Pinnacles · 20/03/2026 07:10

I'm with you OP. He is madly selfish - I know that's not the popular opinion on Mumsnet. But imagine he was saying let's not having sex again - everyone would say that is unreasonable and to ltb. Having children is just as strong a biological urge so why does he get the final say on having a baby? And for something like finances when you're already stable and it's the difference between private school or not - not putting bread on the table.

Edited

So the famed “biological urges” are the ultimate trump card over all other considerations, including the welfare of the existing children, the welfare of their father and the family finances?

Try turning this on its head for a second and see what happens if you insist that a man’s “biological urges” also have to take precedence over anything else. Doesnt sound so Mother Nature any more, does it? It sounds like anti scientific, selfish special pleading.

We are not animals: we are rational beings and while the desire for more children (when you already have several) is understandable, it absolutely does not mean this is the primary consideration. When “biological urges” is the strongest argument for destabilising a family you are basically saying the law of the jungle is in charge.

Absolute madness…

RampantIvy · 20/03/2026 09:49

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/03/2026 09:23

So the famed “biological urges” are the ultimate trump card over all other considerations, including the welfare of the existing children, the welfare of their father and the family finances?

Try turning this on its head for a second and see what happens if you insist that a man’s “biological urges” also have to take precedence over anything else. Doesnt sound so Mother Nature any more, does it? It sounds like anti scientific, selfish special pleading.

We are not animals: we are rational beings and while the desire for more children (when you already have several) is understandable, it absolutely does not mean this is the primary consideration. When “biological urges” is the strongest argument for destabilising a family you are basically saying the law of the jungle is in charge.

Absolute madness…

Show quote history

Well said.
We all want things we can't have, but real life means we just have to suck it up and accept it.

WhatAboutSecondBreakfast86 · 20/03/2026 09:54

See i have the opposite problem, my DH would let me have 10 if i wanted them! But seriously sometimes life is better uncomplicated and there are downsides to a 3rd such as the 'third wheel'. 2 boys close in age is perfect. Do you have an emotional reason for wantng a 3rd? were you one of 3?

Superhansrantowindsor · 20/03/2026 10:07

I wanted another, DH didn’t. I cried a lot. It put us under a lot of stress but in the end we got past it and I came to accept the situation.
YANBU to be upset at all but he has every right to say no. He doesn’t need a reason.

Seelybe · 20/03/2026 17:55

@Toastedteacake88 I can relate to the yearning. After horrendous pregnancies and births and the loss of a twin the sense of wanting a third was very strong for years. Having been told it could be life threatening to do so I had to accept it because of the two I already had.
The feeling does pass though, and you will appreciate grandchildren even more!