To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

[Toastedteacake88]

Hello
Ive got two lovely little boys ages 6 and 4. I have wanted a third for a while now and go through phases of feeling at peace with sticking with two. But then Ill revert back to yearning for another baby which I’m sure would be our last and the sadness in feeling over my husband saying no is feeling overwhelming.
His reasons are that he feels our family is complete, he is enjoying getting a bit of our freedom back and time to ourselves now the boys are a bit older and easier to arrange childcare for. He also states finances as a reason because he was adamant about them going to private school so we couldn’t afford to put a third through. He also has made hints about returning to play his favourite sport which hasn’t been possible the last few years because I found it too much having the boys all day on Saturdays (when if he was at home we’d be able to share the load and get rest etc).
I just feel like some of his reasons are selfish. He’s making a life long decision based on temporary things like us having a bit more time to ourselves back.
I’ve suggested we go to counselling over it.
before anyone suggests it, I would never leave him so that I could meet someone else and have another baby. I love our family unit.
im just so sad we can’t expand it.

just to add, we had a traumatic time with our second as he needed very serious surgery as a baby. He’s absolutely fine now. I don’t think it’s a major factor in how I feel about wanting another but I do think the experience of having a “normal” newborn phase would be healing.
my husband says that what happened with our second is not a factor in him not wanting another.

advice please on how to feel better!

YANBU to feel how you feel but equally your DH is being perfectly reasonable in the reasons he is giving for not wanting a 3rd. You don’t need counselling what is you hope that it will achieve - he will change his mind ? Unlikely and what is more likely he will come to resent your efforts to try and get your own way and you may well unintentionally blow apart your happy family unit. If one parent says they don’t want another baby you need to accept it. Other considerations are what happens if it’s twins ? The baby is seriously ill ( you know how traumatic that is ) the baby has permanent serious health conditions which mean all you time is devoted to child 3 and your 2 DC effectively get pushed to one side or even worse what would happen if you suffered life changing health problems as a result of the pregnancy and were unable to parent your DC as you wanted. Cherish what you have and move into the next phase of your life with your family as you move out of baby and toddler phase and can do more as a family.

I think this is incredibly hard. Neither of you are wrong, you just want different things.
Ultimately one of you has to compromise.
Such a difficult situation.

I think you are selfish op. He is completely and perfectly reasonable and he doesn’t need the counselling, you do.
your Family is over the worst bits and things will only get easier from here, why go backwards?
Finances are a big one too.
I would absolutely choose putting two in private schooling vs struggling or state school for 3.
He is absolutely right and I do think some counselling would help you come to the same conclusion

There's only one person being selfish here OP, and it's not him.

YANBU to want another baby, YANBU to feel sad, but YABU to call him selfish. His reasons are perfectly valid.

Is it because you want a girl or another baby in general? You’re not wrong to feel how you do, but if he doesn’t want another, then you need to move on from it. Maybe go to counselling on your own to accept this.

You are perfectly entitled to want another baby for any or no reason. He is perfectly entitled to not want another for any or no reason. Neither is being selfish and Sadly the no overrides the yes. You need to decide if you can live with 2 or need to end the relationship to have another.

I understand your desire for a third Op, I have three. However, both dh and I always agreed that we would have three children
Your dh doesn’t want a third child and as others have said his reasons are perfectly valid .
I think you need counselling to get used to the idea that you are unlikely to have a third child with your dh

Husband is right.

Your feelings are totally valid and yanbu to feel them.

I was in a similar position for a long time, desperate for number 3; DP firmly done at 2 for many very sensible reasons. I was miserable, angry and frustrated. But gradually it did get better. I thought I would resent him forever, but actually I don’t. It was right to stop at 2. The lifestyle that we have now, that we have given our children, would not have been the same had we had another. Of course money comes into it; we didn’t have the space, an extra person makes holidays more expensive etc, but I think what really swung it for me was the time. I could argue away the (sensible) financial decisions, but while I was pining for a baby that didn’t exist I was missing what I had already in front of me. I’ve got two beautiful children, and adding in an extra one would spread me a little thinner. A little less time and attention for each, in a busy hectic household. Once I let go of the idea of number 3 I started really enjoying each age with the first two, not through the eyes of ‘this is my last time’, but just properly enjoying the moments. And yes, I have more freedom and time and flexibility as they get older. My career is back on track, my social life is better than ever before, my relationship feels like a proper partnership. Things are good.

What I’m saying (in a very ramble-y way - sorry); is that as upset and hurt and angry as I was before, it did turn out ok. Better than ok actually. It was the right decision for us. I’m not saying everyone will be the same, families come in all shapes and sizes; just that having a family that is not the exact size you imagined can still be perfect.

Sending hugs, the bit you’re in is hard, but there are good times ahead.

Tbh his reasons seem very valid, and are pretty typical, practical reasons for not wanting more children. Definitely no more selfish than wanting more children just because.
I'm not really sure what I could say to make you feel better. It seems like you have a lovely life as it is. But I understand that it's not easy to accept that you can't have something you want. Maybe look behind the reasons why you want to expand your family.

Reading this, im not surprised he doesn't want to add a new baby into the mix. If you haven't been able to cope for a full day on a Saturday on your own with two dc, why would you think adding in a newborn is a good idea.

I was you 10 years ago, we have 2 children and I wanted a 3rd - DH didn’t for all the reasons your DH has mentioned. I look back now and am so pleased we didn’t- the teenage years have been hell with one of my children, we have freedom, nights out and are able to afford everything the kids still need.

"I do think the experience of having a “normal” newborn phase would be healing."
A human being should not be used as a "healing" process for it's parent's disappointment over the not-normal circumstances of another child's health. I'm sorry OP, but I think you need to work through the remaining distress over those circumstances before you consider having another child. The same thing could happen again, nothing is certain.
I also think that you need to consider the impact on your DC's lives of having an extra sibling. Money is certainly not everything, but if they really are all set for private school and help with uni costs, and that can't happen if you have another, that's quite a big difference, even before you get into the childcare issue.

You have 2 healthy, beautiful boys, don’t miss out on that by yearning for something else. Love what you have and really notice it

Just in case you’re already at the point of “how do I accept this” instead of “how do I change this” and would like some practical advice…

Book some fun stuff. Book a holiday family holiday with your children. Explore new activities that they are only just growing into, that a baby could not do. Book nights out with friends. Spend adult time with family. Start doing all the things you put off when you have a baby, even little things like having 10 minutes extra in bed once the children are old enough to go downstairs and play unsupervised for a little while. Let them wash the dishes and enjoy having one less job on your own to-do list (while teaching them valuable life skills).

Enjoy as much as you can, build in fun, plan things you enjoy, give yourself nice things to look forward to, both with your children, and in your own.

Yes and i’d imagine this is a big part of it. Your DH wants to get back to some hobbies and that’s perfectly reasonable.

I think booking plans for the four of you to enjoy would help - holidays & days out. And both of you should get at least 3-4 hours on a weekend for individual hobbies. It'll help if you fill your time with things that fulfill you both!

Though perspectives may change if you clarify the DH hobby thing - e.g. a full day of golf every week = unreasonable. A few hours at footy = very reasonable.

He also has made hints about returning to play his favourite sport which hasn’t been possible the last few years because I found it too much having the boys all day on Saturdays (when if he was at home we’d be able to share the load and get rest etc).

Having another child will not make things any easier, in a practical sense, will it?

The one who doesn't want to create and raise another child always gets the final say. Besides, if you can't cope with two children by yourself (what's that all about?), you're hardly going to be able to manage three.

I think you need to respect how we feels and not have a third.
I didn't want a second despite my husband wanting one and he completely respects my reasons. So we've kept at 1.

Having a child effects everyone not having one effects no one and a child is not an accessory to fix something

That is an excellent point.

He sounds sensible. You struggled with the two boys alone so how will you cope with a baby as well? Even if you returned to work you would still have the school holidays while on mat leave managing two children that are probably quite active while also coping with a baby and fitting them into it. Would you expect him to free up time to help with this too?
Also sounds wise financially. If you are already offering children private education it would be wrong to have to pull them out just so you can have a baby.

Maybe you need to find a hobby for yourself too, then you won't resent him wanting to return to his. He sounds like a good man in that he has been there supporting you (unlike many husbands we read about on here) so I agree with him that it would be nice now the kids are older to get back to doing other things.

OP everyone on mumsnet thinks two is the perfect number or sometimes one too many. Mumsnet is very anti 3 or more children. You’ve sadly come to the wrong place for sympathy.

i had a huge huge yearning for a third. It was like a deep pain. We have a third in the end and it’s made my heart sing. So I get how you are feeling. I understand it completely. It’s real and it’s valid and it’s a deep urge. You aren’t going crazy. I totally respect that you don’t want to leave your husband and you love him still. It could possibly have made me resent mine