AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

Looking forward, could you ask your DN’s carers and medical team if they are putting any measures in place to prevent this from happening again. She sounds so terribly vulnerable.
Is your DB, her father, her legal guardian and is he likely to consider this?

Read the opening post again. One of the first thing she says...

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7.

I agree with this comment. There are many people desperate to adopt newborn babies, or foster to adopt as I believe is the most common scenario now in the UK. This is not like a troubled teenager or older child, or indeed sibling pairs going into the social care system. This baby will not be difficult to place.

There's every possibility that the man responsible is not another resident, but is a staff member/visitor

I can't believe they let this poor woman go through with the pregnancy. She must be so frightened and confused.

I think this is an extremely tricky situation and only you know the full implications on you and your family, but yo should also know lots of babies do get adopted into loving homes. My cousin was adopted at less than a year old and is 26 now and getting married this year and extremely happy. Another family friend adopted a little girl at 3 years old, this was in her early 50s, and she is extremely loved and happy (now almost 10). It isn't always doom and gloom but I can toally empathise with the worry, I don't know what I would do in your position..

I currently have two children on my caseload, each removed at birth (different families) pretty clear cut they were going to be adopted (previous children removed, parents circumstances unchanged) both still waiting for adoptive families. One is 16 months, one is nearly two.
There is a shortage of adopters. People used to always prefer babies because they were perceived as less likely to have issues growing up and wanting to experience the baby stage. Now more people realise that a child removed at birth is no guarantee about life being easier, and with the cost of childcare for young children being so high, a lot of adopters are broadening the age they will consider adopting. There are also often delays in the court system unfortunately which can mean the agreement to adopt (placement order) is happening later than anticipated.

Oh goodness, OP, how heartbreaking this all is.

You have to be totally honest with yourself. If you have hesitancy explore that. You NEED to be really honest with yourselves for the good of everyone.

It would wrench my heart out but for me personally I would have to say I couldn't do it to the best the child deserves, or without too great an unknown risk and pressure on my own health and my family.

I wouldn't say this to my teens because I wouldn't want them to feel responsible, but bringing a baby /toddler into the home as your youngest starts the big exam years would be a strain. Making all your family outings and remaining family holidays from now on baby and toddler friendly would change a lot of things.

But then being part of a loving family where people pull together and care for a baby would also be fantastic.

I would be knackered.I am an active and fit grandma-aged woman but I am really glad I don't have responsibility for a 10 year old with teen years to come.

Autism is often heritable. Autistic kids are great and loved, of course - but also caring for an autistic child can take huge energy and extra work.

I dunno - very hard OP, I just think that where there are cracks - hesitancy - those cracks tend to get bigger under pressure. So remember that you are allowed to say you can't do it and that in no way makes you a bad person.

Potentially they didn’t know about this until quite late on. We can assume it wasn’t exactly expected. Although I agree it must be very scary for her.

There are many families waiting to adopt a baby. Don’t think that you have to do this as baby will be very loved by a family who cannot have a child naturally.

Exactly what l thought. Posters are assuming that both parents have learning disabilities but it’s entirely possible that the father is not another resident.

This is such a difficult situation. Given your age and your niece’s circumstances I would want to know whether the child might inherit disabilities/health issues from the biological parents; whether there would be any expectation of contact with the biological father or his family; whether your niece will understand that this is her child should they meet; whether your brother would play any role at all (practical support, money etc)

and I wouldn’t make the decision to take the child without the full support of your own children. You would be introducing a lifetime commitment for yourself with implications for them should you or your husband become ill. Who would be the second line of support for this child?

in practical terms I would have to say no but would be emotional torn. I would perhaps suggest some sort of managed contact if the child is adopted/fostered

Looking from the POV of a potential adopter though - I wouldn’t adopt if there was a requirement for contact with the biological families. I’m sure there are good reasons why it happens but I couldn’t do it

Sad as it is, I’d say no chance. I’m a similar age and raised my kids. Zero way I’d go back to baby days.

Sorry l meant the assumption that both parents have learning disabilities. OP is very cagey about the circumstances so it’s not beyond the birds of possibility that the father is a staff member or other visitor to the facility.

I’m a few years older than you and it would be a hard no from me. Whilst I’m in pretty good health at the moment, I would be kidding myself if I didn’t admit that in the last few years in particular, I’m slowing down. There are random aches and pains and by the end of the week, I’m tired.

Taking on a baby, especially one which may have additional needs, would be far too much. And you have your own two children to consider, it’ll be a huge disruption to their lives as well.

Could you discuss with the social worker if there’s a way that you could be involved in the child’s life without taking on the huge commitment of being a permanent carer?
Maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing?

Don't let mis-placed guilt sway your decision OP

Let’s keep the focus on the OP’s question, rather than what she is not able to discuss even if she wanted to

Op the only reason SS are badgering you to take on this baby is because they know there's an extremely high chance this baby is going to have additional needs 😬

Raising a baby at your age is one thing, raising a child with needs similar to your niece is another thing entirely.

Definite no, if you were younger and your children were a lot younger maybe, but no way.

Personally I would say no as it would put my life on hold for at least 20 years when I'm already done with child rearing. I would let the baby be adopted.

Don't even consider it. Within a year or two there might be another baby. Would you take that one as well? You have to put your own kids first. I'm sure the baby will get adopted.

Many years ago a very dear friend of mine had a DD who had very severe learning difficulties and was in a secure facility. My friend said that one of the only things she got pleasure from was sex with another patient, although neither of them understood what it was. The decision was made to sterilise the DD so she could carry on without apparent consequences. I don't know what the legal position would be in that situation now, though.

I was answering another poster regarding both parents having learning disabilities. The assumption is that the father is another resident and i was merely pointing out that it may not be. It’s entirely relevant to the conversation as it would likely increase the chances of the baby having similar disabilities.

I'm sorry but my answer would have to be no.

It's one thing to look after a cute little baby temporarily.

You're in your mid-50s now. Do you really want to be raising a teenager when you're 70?

When you're 75, do you want to be driving them god knows how far back and forth to university and likely still supporting them from your pension?

And this is to say nothing of whether or not the child may have their own additional needs.

It is a horrible situation and I cannot imagine the pain your family is going through. And it's very easy for me to say from an outsiders perspective, but no.