AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

The absolute worst case scenario would you be taking on the baby and realising you couldn’t cope. Then they’d be however much older, meaning they’d be harder to find a new placement for and emotionally impacted by the extra upheaval (even if still a tiny baby).

Please only do this if you are as certain as can be that you can maintain the placement. That includes if the baby has additional needs, if you or your spouse pass away or have severe illness yourself, financial hardships etc.

It would be a No from me. Not in my mid-50s.

I don’t think I could do this, and I am a similar age to you. I would have to play this forward, in ten years how old will you be? 15 years etc. I just would be too tired. My concern would be that the baby would have issues too, and having fought for SEN provision before, I don’t know if I would have this energy again.
This sounds like a really hard situation.

I'm sure there would be some lovely potential parents out there, desperate for the chance to adopt. If the baby was going to end up permanently in the care system I would think it would be a very different decision

I would say no

The fact you're hesitant screams no ! Its understandably you want to help, but even a tiny little doubt is enough for this not be right for the baby.

Neither my head nor my heart would be signing up for this.

It would be an amazing thing to do (maybe if I were in my 40s) but now I’m 50 I don’t think I could do it again!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Family or not, I'd say no. Starting all over again at 50 will severely change your lives. Adoption, probably by a younger couple who are really keen and motivated, would be a good outcome.

I had my last child at 44 so at 60 I was still dealing with a 14 year old. Possible but hard work. I think though if I am blunt, the only major thing different between you and your brother is you are a woman. If he gets to say no as he feels he cannot hack it then so do you and unless you are certain that you can do this then you have to say no.

No. Why was a termination not done?

Honestly OP I think the best option here is for the baby to be adopted - the adopters will be people who desperately want him or her, and will be a suitable age as well.

How is asking that helpful to the OP? She may not be privy to the answer, but even if she is, it is not relevant to her dilemma.

I think you should say no. It will affect you and your immediate family more than you can imagine, and honestly, if your brother has said no, why should you pick up the slack for him? Reading that, I know I sound harsh, but you sound so good and kind, I’m afraid if you accepted, it would be to the detriment of your own family. As others have said, there are still people who want to adopt new-borns, and hopefully, this baby would be easily placed in a loving home with people who have the time and energy, along with the love, to give to it.

It is unfortunately deemed as against human rights to do this now. Which, in my opinion, is a real shame because someone with severe learning difficulties could decide to have sex (and yes, people with learning difficulties do sometimes want to interact with the opposite sex in a romantic way) and they potentially wouldn’t be able to understand the implications of the situation. They also cannot have an abortion if they don’t have the capacity to make that decision for themselves and so would be going through a pregnancy and birth which would be EXTREMELY traumatic to someone who simply cannot fully grasp the understanding of what is happening to them and then would have to have their baby taken away from them, adding even more trauma. THAT seems more against human rights than to sterilise someone who would never be capable enough to keep their own baby should they ever get pregnant.

Be wary of pressure from the SS Op, it's much easier and cheaper for them to arrange a kinship carer so only agree to this if it's what you really want. A newborn baby will be much more likely to find adoptive parents than older DC, this isn't necessarily a choice between you or a care home.
However this happened to your DGN I hope she will get some justice, it's a disgrace that this was allowed to happen to her

She could have been far enough along that it would be really as distressing as giving birth. I doubt the pregnancy was spotted early on.

Thanks for the replies and comments. It's such a huge commitment (like many have pointed out) that I think I need more time than next week to consider it. Having spoken to DH again today, I think the current plan is to go to the meeting with SS next week (we aren't committing or saying yes at this stage) and find out what support would be available as a kinship carer if we were to proceed.

I'm also going to suggest that myself and DH sit down with our sons tonight and explain what's happening. It's going to be a shock for them, but they need to know, and have a say if there's a chance this baby will be coming to live with us.

For those that have asked - DN knows that she is having a baby and that she won't be able to look after it when it's born. It would be nice if they could have some contact as the baby grows up (even if it was just photos) but we'll have to see

This is such a difficult decision. The only thing I can offer is that there is no wrong decision, because the baby clearly has a good chance of being loved and well cared for whether it is you or (other) adoptive parents.

What a tough situation. Could you offer to foster the baby until adoption is arranged? Would that work?

I am in my 50s now and not sure I’d want to go back to full time babies, primary school etc..
Plus the impact it would have on your own children.

If SS are involved in the decision to place a child for foster care with family, it is a fostering arrangement and they are paid. The rates are the same as for unrelated foster carers (though the training, expectations and commitments are the same too which can be a shock)
Unpaid kinship care is when the family arrange it themselves without involving SS, eg a grandparent takes in a teen because they're not getting on with parents. That's not the situation here.
The arrangements for long term are a little different, as adoptive families rarely receive financial support special guardianship families (alternative to adoption) don't always receive financial support, though that is the case regardless of whether they are related or not.

I personally couldn’t do it. I’m much younger than you OP and whilst I am out of the baby rearing days, I still have children who are almost teens and I couldn’t even fathom going back to the baby days. I wouldn’t be able to give my all to raising a baby now and because of that it would be a no for me, if I were in your shoes. It wouldn’t be good for me, my husband (and therefore my marriage), my children and definitely not for the baby either.

Also yes how does someone who cannot consent to sex consent to an abortion anyway.

By the time you dragged the issues though court likely deemed too far along again.

If the sperm donor is not a resident regardless of his character there may be family on his side who could adopt the baby or raise it on his behalf if he gets a couple of years inside.

If the donor is a resident again his family could also be an option.

It’s surely unlikely to be op only when someone shared this dna to get the poor lass pregnancy.

It would depend on whether the child is has global delays or not. If no global delays like the mother then yes, with DB providing additional child care and financial support to ease the strain.

Just be aware in this meeting that the support offered will be massively oversold.

You should be prepared for the fact that, in reality, no help will be forthcoming.