AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

The child won't be in care for 2 minutes unless they inherit the mothers diabilities, there are people desperate to adopt newborns.

I think the OP has made a wonderful gesture, but somehow find myself, for her sake, hoping it doesn't come off.

Is this still the case?

Not true. My friend is a foster carer. She’s had a succession of newborns that are on the adoption list that have moved to other foster carers and aged out of the newborn age group without being adopted.

People wanting newborns?

Why wouldn't it be, IVF isn't suitable for everyone and doesn't work for a lot of those who have it done?

Range of factors. Increased availability of IVF, surrogacy etc. Difficulties with the lengthy adoption process. Not wanting children that have been removed from families , when voluntary adoption is rare.

Everywhere I look on the Internet says it's true in the UK. That you will wait years longer if you want to adopt a baby than if you will take an older child because the babies are so scarce and the number of people wanting them so high.

I don't know what was going on in your friend's situation, of course.

I would suggest that you also need to consider the potential that this child may inherit the learning disabilities of her parent/ parents (without knowing the medical history obviously.) At your age taking on a baby who might potentially (like your niece) never be able to live independently needs to be thought about. As you age, it’s possible that care needs would then fall to your sons. It would possibly be better if she went somewhere with parents who could be active for longer.

I really couldn't personally, I'm sorry to say. Isn't there also a much higher chance of the baby being born with learning disabilities? I couldn't face that in my 50s when my two children were nearly grown and flown. I'm so sorry for your family that they are in this situation.

It's not true in our region. The reasons the adoption workers have given us is: cost of living/cost of childcare for the first couple of years, which can be avoided by adopting a toddler or older. Older age of adopters (eg if trying for their own families, starting later, and if unsuccessful taking time to accept that and then explore adoption, meaning if they're adopting mid forties they are more likely to consider slightly older children). Greater awareness of conditions such as FASD or other behavioural/developmental needs which are a little easier to guage in slightly older children.
I mentioned earlier on the thread that babies removed at birth are often removed from the most severe circumstances, otherwise they'd be allowed to stay together with support, or try a family assessment centre etc. Potential adopters do (should!) get information about childrens needs and background when they express an interest. For children removed at birth the common themes will be parental drug/alcohol use (including during pregnancy) significant mental health issues or domestic abuse, or any combination of the above. Naturally many adopters will have reservations. And even if they were determined to proceed they have to show in their assessment that they can practically and financially commit. That isn't straightforward.

In the last few years in my job, I don't think I've had any children that I oversee that were removed at birth placed with adopters before the age of 18 months. Often I'll hear that a family are interested but it doesn't proceed as they've gone forward with a different child. There are always far more children than adopters, including babies. It used to be the case that single female babies would be adopted quickly, boys slightly behind. Now that just isn't true. Anecdotally the only children I'm aware of that have been adopted very quickly were those where they were Muslim, or the parents open to them being raised Muslim (eg if one parent was and one wasn't) I don't know enough about adoption in Muslim communities to know why that might be the case but just something I've seen.

Also just want to add for the OP - I'm glad it went well telling your children about the situation. I'm sure you'll know though that there may be more questions to follow given the news they've had to take in, but it's lovely to hear that their first response was a caring one.

Will social services offer you any assistance, could you foster rather than adopt?
How would the relationship with the niece be managed if you adopt/foster the baby?

Agreed.

This.
OP consider if the child also has additional needs? This could make this enormous commitment even harder, particularly on your own boys who will soon be needing you for uni runs and support as they move into young adulthood.
Also at your time of life ideally you can begin to think about retirement and a different pace of life, with freedom to travel and spend your time as you please. You will likely not get that ever, as you’ll be well into your 70s once the little one has grown.
A couple I know adopted a baby girl removed at birth and they couldn’t be more loving and devoted parents. Plus they are in their 30s. There is every chance she will find a loving home.

Lots of single male and gay male couples in Adoption Land. Lots of us with vulvas/vaginas (daren’t get this wrong on MN) who happily step up too.

You have nice sons - but how much have they been around babies and do they really understand what having a crying baby around means for them? Do they have any idea what caring for a baby with additional needs can be like, I doubt it.

Babies usually stay in the care system for a year or more before adoption as it takes that long to sort out the paperwork. They can be fostered by the people who want to adopt them, though, and that does give potential adoptees more time to find out if the baby has problems.

Im talking about men offering womens emotional and physical labour. The grandfather wont get judged for saying no as much as the OP would.

@FerretPants What was your DH like with childcare and housework when your sons were younger?

It would be a no fro
me as well. Sad though it is. You are too old and the baby is likely to have additional needs. Newborns won’t stay in foster care long.

I asked what the issues usually are and then saw that the question had been answered upthread!

My guess:

Unclear prognosis. Especially if BM has been drinking (foetal alcohol syndrome) or doing drugs. Any history of mental condition such as bipolar.

A BM with learning disabilities to the extent they are in residential care. An unknown father / one who also has learning disabilities. It will take special parents to commit to this.

I suspect a relinquished baby of a university student would be snapped up, but there aren't so many relinquished babies these days.

@FerretPants Do you know, or could you find out, exactly what disabilities your niece has, and the likely cause? That's going to make a big difference to the chances of her baby having a similar condition. Some conditions that cause learning disabilities are heritable, but others are caused by things like infections during pregnancy, premature birth, brain injuries etc, so wouldn't be inherited. If she is autistic then I believe that has a strong genetic component. The birth father too if he also has a learning disability, but from what you said (though I know you can't elaborate) I'm assuming it's more likely to be a case of abuse by a care worker. 💔 If so you might also want to think about whether or not you would be expected to facilitate any kind of contact between the baby and the birth father or his family, and how that would be? I know of at least one case of a child who was born from the rape of a 15 year old autistic girl by a 45yo man being forced by family court to have unsupervised contact with their rapist birth father. Just make sure you know absolutely everything you can before you make your decision. 💐

I wouldn't even consider it and if you decide not to you have nothing to feel guilty about

Do you love babies?! What about your own children? They've been very accommodating, but probably have a poor understanding of the ramifications, especially as time unfolds over the next 20-30 years...

So sorry you find yourself in this position, but it really isn't your job to step up and miraculously "solve" everything, especially at your age. (not being ageist, just pragmatic!)

Not true if you are correct about the additional needs.

The DSs may well be positive about the idea. But they really have no idea of the responsibility, hard work, commitment and financial implications. Even adults expecting their first baby rarely understand exactly what they're letting themselves in for.

Although a relinquished baby of a university student who wasn’t aware that they were pregnant till later on and was partying through most of the pregnancy may have been exposed to alcohol/ drugs, so not as straightforward either