AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

OMG, that’s a tough one, a defo head vs heart! On balance I don’t think I could do it. You need to weigh everything up though op, in your set of circumstances and make the decision that suits your family best. I wish everyone involved the best, it’s such a sad situation all round by the sound of it.

My heart would say absolutely yes.

My head would say absolutely no.

There's so much to consider here, trauma, possible disabilities, your age, career, your kids, your niece and DB, money, what if something happens to you or your dh or one of your dc, could your marriage survive the baby years again?

Overall I think it would be a difficult choice but I would say no, for everyone's sake.

Everyone seems to be glossing over the background. Was she pregnant before living in the care facility? Did they find out who the father is? Could it have been staff?
I would be investigating whether she needs to be moved if I was your brother!

As for the baby, it’s understandable you’re torn. On the one hand the baby is technically family, but mid 50s is also not an ideal age to begin caring for a newborn.

I would talk to the social worker before deciding.

I would not want to start again in my 50s if my children were in their teens.
Realistically you and your husband will be in your 70s before you are done parenting.

A baby will have a very good chance of being adopted by a family who want children - it's not the same scenario as a child before pushed pillar to post in foster care.

Given those circumstances, I would do it. But of course if you're not certain then you can opt out.
Do you know if you'd be able to keep contact if you choose not to care for the baby?

I would have to at least consider it, and find out what support was available. As pp said, the possibility of an inherited disability would be a concern.

For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

No one's glossing over it - the OP stated clearly she's not discussing those aspects and it isn't relevant to her post anyway.

We’re not “glossing over” the background, but OP said she could not discuss that element for legal reasons, so it sounds like it’s being looked into.

I'd also want to know if your niece could keep in contact with her baby if you choose not to look after him/her.

I don’t think I would, no. 💐

what a hard decision, my friend adopted her daughter from parents with additional needs and the little girl is loved and cherished and has everything she could ask for, my friend couldn’t have children and she’s wonderful. I don’t want to sway you but if you feel like it’s too much then there will be an alternative happy ending for the baby.

A newborn has much more chance of a successful adoption than any other age.
I am mid 50s and I could not imagine taking on a baby full time, although I will be happy to support with any DGC in the fullness of time.

While there are lots of people wanting to adopt a baby, there are very few who adopt a disabled baby. For the same reasons that this might factor into your thinking. What a tough situation OP. I have no idea what to advise.

I think only you can decide as most /all of care will fall to you.

Personally I think you'd be mad to agree. My grandson was born when I was the same age as you are now and I looked after him for 3 days a week and was exhausted. Did the same two years later for my granddaughter. They are now at school and pre-school; I am 62. I have them for the odd day or overnight, especially in the holidays and I am exhausted by the time they go home. If there was any chance of learning difficulties as well it would be even harder. I would let them get adopted by someone younger who can give them what they need.

Your poor niece, what a trauma for her and a terrible situation for you all to navigate as a family. I'm sorry this has happened.

In your position I'd feel compelled to offer to help, but it would be the wrong decision for me and it sounds like you're not convinced it's the right one for you. As well as the practicalities of having a newborn and then small child to raise when that part of your life was done, there's also likely to be social work involvement in the placement of the baby into kinship care which adds another layer of complexity and, dare I say, time and emotional cost too.

Having spent a considerable part of my career working with looked-after children, it's unfortunately the case that placements don't always work and can be very difficult. However, a newborn is likely to be adopted very quickly and is more likely (in my experience; happy to be corrected) to settle into a stable placement. If there's any chance that you might find caring for this wee one too much and have to reconsider your decision, I'd urge you to make the decision now that it's not a viable optio0n for you (and for the avoidance of doubt, I say that with absolute kindness)

No I wouldn’t take on the responsibility.
it’s desperately sad situation but still no.
even if the child was healthy - you would be mid 70s before it was grown - quite likely that one or other of you would be dead or seriously ill by then

I wouldn't consider it at mid-fifties, no. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Did you miss the part where the OP acknowledged this and said it's in hand?

Honestly, I think it would be best if the baby were adopted. I'm sure that there are lots of childless couples who would jump at the chance of adopting a new born baby.

Your child-rearing years are nearly over but if you agree to take this baby, you will be starting all over again. If you and your DH are mid-50s now, you will be mid-70s by the time the baby is 18. It's an absolutely huge commitment, particularly as your brother, the baby's grandfather, doesn't sounds as though he will be any help.

I am a similar age to you and just having my grandchild for the day is surprisingly tiring I simply could not cope with taking on a baby full time again I think you will find it is so much harder now that 10-20 years ago. Also no one knows yet if this child will have similar issues to the mother and may need even more care that you can provide. I think you need to put yourself and your teenagers and future grandkids first. Most babies are adopted pretty quickly in the UK so hopefully the baby would have a good upbringing, but only you guys know if you can face knowing the baby was adopted out.

This is a good point. Also, as PP said, I imagine there’s a very high chance the baby will likely have developmental problems which could be extreme. Ultimately, would parents in their current 50’s be best placed to cope? You potentially both have health issues to deal with yourselves (I hope not but being realistic).

This is about your household and everyone in it. It would change the relationship with your own children.

I had to make a similar choice years ago. It was the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make. We said no as once you took the emotion out of the situation, it was the sensible choice for everyone’s needs.
I’ll always wish circumstances could have been changed. It was horrible but the right thing for us to do at the time. Having seen how things eventually transpired for everyone concerned in our case. It was by far the correct choice. Saying yes would have impacted my own child’s life and there would be no going back.

I’m sorry you’re in this difficult situation but you’ve got to look after yourself first. Her own father has realised he can’t.

💐💐💐

I think you need to consider the long term. While you might be the best option for the baby now, you might not be the option for them in the future (due to your ages). My heart would definitely be saying the baby stays with me, my head would be saying that might not ultimately be in the child's best interests. I don't envy you your choice.

YANBU
Personally, i wouldn't do it. Is your neice aware enough that she would want to be part of the babies life, and would it be distressing to her to not be able to keep baby herself? I'd be wary of her feelings of baby being around sometimes (if you'd visit with baby) but not "hers" as such to keep, or how she'd feel knowing you had baby if shes not going to be in their life at all.
Could also keep opening the wound of how baby was conceived, as it does sound like it was possibly an abuse situation.
Are the difficulties your neice has genetic, or just really bad luck? Caring for any baby in your mid 50's is HARD, but a child with additional needs, especially potentially severe needs, would be so much harder.

I'm assuming DH was a hands on parent with your current children, and wouldn't just be fobbing off the majority of care onto you, as if he's not prepared for 50-50 care, then he shouldn't get equal vote.

Your age does also pose the risk of them still being a child/adolescent when they lose one or potentially even both of you. Losing my mum at 20 devastated me, i don't know how anyone younger would cope.