AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

You're youngish now but can you keep that energy up for 18 years? My mum is 70 and really hands on with my primary aged kids, however she is shattered when she goes home from just the general energy.

no they don't.....but its a better background for the OP to make a rational decision than if they had reacted badly to the idea.

I complete these assessments. Your uncertainty and hesitation is completely understandable and valid. The assessment process in itself should help you explore this further and really consider the realities, practicalities and impact on your life. Your health, your plans for your retirement, your financial and housing situation, relationships with your brother and niece. The difficult role of supporting a child to learn about how they were conceived, why they can’t live with parents. Possibilities of the child having additional needs.

It’s an awful lot more than a spare room and being family. There can be a lot of pressure from professionals/family/your own expectations. But it is far better to be honest and realistic now for the child.

Also you haven’t met them! This is important - your instincts and feelings about baby will become more real (either way) once you’ve met. Ask for this to happen.

In terms of an assessment recommendation, it is difficult to make a positive recommendation if the applicant doesn’t whole heartedly want and or love the child. It’s a huge commitment.

This is absurd. Your expectation that a person would automatically ‘love’ a stranger’s baby or child. Some of the views expressed on here by so-called professionals make me understand more why prospective adopter numbers are falling through the floor. You have no idea. You should not be completing these assessments. The whole system is not fit for purpose. Mainly, social workers who have no real understanding of trauma-related issues are not fit for purpose.

There are so many couples wanting to adopt and who would be able to provide a fantastic home for a child.
Let the child go to a couple who genuinely want DC, not a half hearted relative.
I know lots of adopted children and 3 foster families and all are in/ are providing peaceful, loving homes.

Out of interest, I looked at the kinship website mentioned in a previous post for England and Wales, and then at the Scottish versions.

I only gave the sites a quick look when I realised the photos are of primary age children and younger, and of vibrant-looking happy grandparents.

None of them look like my set-up. A furious teenager waiting two years and counting for camhs. Moods that turn on a sixpence. That teen’s sibling who can still barely read or write.

We the grandparents with all the age-related health issues that make parenting a painful process. Savings that won’t go on our comfort or any recognisable retirement, or our own kids but instead will be spent privately filling the gaps in the laughable KC “support”.

I’m tired, I’ve slept badly, and I don’t see any of this getting better.

@ThePieceHall

The very nature of kinship care is family. The reasons why these placements can be so successful is because family love and care for these children and usually have a well established relationship with them - predominantly grandparents and aunts and uncles. The love for the child is what holds sometimes very complex situations together.

Obviously not in this case where baby is unborn - but wanting the child when you meet them is fairly essential.

(completely separate to adoption and fostering)

Very true, and this may be an extra emotional pull for the OP, but it certainly won't lessen her workload if she went ahead

Seems like a sensible and practical option at the time.

We aren't proceeding with the assessment.

Some new (previously unknown) information has now come to light. Sorry I can't be more specific but it's to do with the biological father.

Because of this we don't feel able to proceed and offer to care for the baby. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions, but I genuinely feel now that we couldn't meet the baby's needs, and adoption is the best way forward for him/her. We will be asking for letterbox contact, and someone on this thread mentioned writing a letter explaining to him/her (when much older) why we couldn't look after them which I think will help.

Thanks again for all the support and advice on this thread

I'm sorry @FerretPants that sounds like it must have been a difficult meeting, though I'm glad they were honest and shared the information so you could make an informed decision.

Thank you - the meeting was planned for next week but we have cancelled and told SS (today) that we no longer wish to be assessed. The new info was told to us yesterday afternoon.

It's broken my heart but I genuinely hope (for everyone's sake) that its fate and a lovely family is out there waiting for this little one to treasure.

I’m glad the decision has been made and you’ll probably feel better moving forward without it hanging over your head.

It sounds like you have made the right decision. It’s understandable your initial reaction was to try and help but it sounds like you’ve made a carefully thought out decision that you aren’t the best person to care for the baby longterm.

Terrible decision to have to make. You gave it thorough and careful consideration and I believe you've made the right choice. I hope the baby is healthy and quickly adopted.

You sound like a truly lovely family, OP, with sons to be proud of.

Wishing everyone involved the very best as things move forward

Someone I know was in a very similar situation. She did choose to parent the child and although very rewarding in many ways, and the child is now completely one of their family but I do know she mourned the life she thought she was going to have. The early retirement, long holidays, weekends away, meals out, shopping trips, freedom to visit her children at university, time to exercise etc went out the window instantly. Slightly differently the parents individually still saw the child (all very structured, limited and part of the arrangement but equally very tying) so you possibly wouldn't have that complication. I think what you are considering is absolutely amazing and life can throw any number of curve balls but you need to be in this 100%.

Sad for your niece. Unless you are 100% up for this you need to say no. While your husband might like the idea, how much is he likely to do?
Even if he did everything, it still affects your currently family set up as your kids are still kids (18 is still quite young -they may be legally adults but boys especially still have a lot of growing to do).
it does also mean you will be dealing with all the potential aggro of teen years in your late 60’s and you have no idea how healthy you will be by then.
if anyone was to take this on it should be your brother and he has made a sensible decision.

i know a couple who were asked to take on his nephew who was about 6 months old at the time. They were the only people in the family who SS considered young enough and competent. The wife said no as she had enough on her plate.
The child stayed with his mother for a while with lots of SS intervention which was ok up to a point then when things eventually broke down he went to live with his uncle who had left by then, and the parenting was shared between the whole family.
He’s had a lot of difficulties in terms of SEN but he’s doing ok as an adult now.
she says has no regrets as if she’d said yes, she would have been a single parent to two children with SEN, and frankly nobody willingly chooses that path unless there is no other choice.
as a baby this child is likely to be adopted fairly quickly (would still be 18 months minimum I’d think) any kind of global delay will apparently fairly early on but people still adopt in those circumstances. My cousin did and the children are actually doing very well considering where they came from.

Sorry I I didn’t read the whole thread before replying. I see you’ve withdrawn from the assessment for other reasons.

You are among the world's good guys, we could all do with more like you.

Not the point of the thread but your sons both sound so incredibly kind and mature!

Personally I think you've absolutely made the right choice here OP. I'm currently sitting breastfeeding my 3 month old, who is our second and categorically our last. He's a good baby but I already know I just couldn't do the baby/toddler stage again after him!

Sorry on the new info but sounds like it’s the right decision for the baby to be adopted and hopefully you can do letters for contact 💐

Thanks for the update. I can imagine it’s been a tough decision to take. I hope you can move on from it now. All the best!

I know it hurt to have to make this decision, but I think you've been wise not to let your heart rule your head. The baby should do well with younger adoptive parents. I know a couple who went through a gruelling 18-month process to become approved as potential adopters and I think this test certainly ought to rule out anyone half-hearted.

I don't know what the new info is regarding the birth father and I know you can't say, but I hope the baby will still be safe.

The grandfather isn't prepared to look after the baby but his sister should?