AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

At 50? No.

This sounds like a tragic situation, but the fewer lives that are destroyed by it, the better.

It's possible that you would be responsible for the niece's child for the rest of your lives. It's is very possible that the child will have the same or similar challenges. At your ages that could potentially destroy your physical and mental health, and your relationships with your own children and your family life. And of course after your death, your own children would feel obliged to be responsible for your great-niece

It's a horrible horrible decision to have to make. This poor child. But there has to be some damage limitation here, and it has to end with the child.

As a teacher in a special school, I have come across several amazing foster parents (one of whom ended up adopting the child, and another would have done, but one of the birth parents refused).
The chances of this child having a decent quality of life with a foster or adoptive parent, are higher than the chances of you and your family coming out of this unscathed.

How did she get pregnant if she has staff around her 24/7? Is the father also disabled?

I don't think you DB gets to just say he is too old and put the responsibility to you. And I would also be very reluctant to accept the responsibility especially given if the father is also disabled there's a huge chance the child will also be disabled.

What conversations took place earlier in the pregnancy when there were more options rather than waiting until she's a few weeks away from giving birth?

I don’t think the OP is being emotionally blackmailed. It’s completely standard SS practice to approach immediate family to see if they want to be assessed for suitability for kinship care before exploring foster are or adoption options. (Admittedly, I don’t know what the ori exude is if the birth mother lacks the capacity to consent to adoption.) That the baby’s grandfather has said no on age grounds is neither here nor there as regards the OP’s decision.

It would be a no from me... for my own child I would do it but not for a niece or nephew when their own father is unwilling.

The baby will more then likely have some form of severe disability like the mother and I presume the father if they are all in the same residential location together.

You are between a rock and a hard place OP and the familial bond is extremely powerful.
I don't have the answer for you but I do know what the baby would be adopted by a family who has been rigorously vetted and desperately want a child.
Caring for babies and young children is utterly exhausting and I don't know any middle aged /older person who wouldn't agree with that.
Sometimes loving someone and wanting what is best for them means letting them go.

It doesn't matter at this point whether abortion was discussed or not. It is evidently not happening, and there's going to be a baby.

OP I think it's ok to be honest about your worries. Taking on a baby in your mid 50s is a huge ask.

@tartyflette SS cover all of that in their assessment for long term care. There can be quick initial assessments to place a child in an emergency, but the assessment to be a long term care is over 12-16 weeks usually and goes into depth about all the things you've mentioned.

OP had said that she doesn't want to go into that. But I'm going to guess that the pregnancy wasn't discovered until too late.

No. You're too old. It wouldn't be fair to you or the baby. I'm the same age and I think I probably could look after a baby, but I wouldn't risk having a teenager when I'm 70. Noone knows if they will be fit and healthy or even still around at 70 and by that age it is a big gamble. Your brother was correct to decline.

The baby should be placed for adoption with a younger couple, preferably a foster to adopt placement to minimise disruption, although I know that's a decision for social services, not you.

No.
The baby may be ' family ' but that baby will make someone else's family.
Someone who is unable to have a baby and wishes to adopt, the baby will make their day / life / family complete.

From one who is adopted ( was adored ! )
I was ' chosen ' - a wonderful expression for a child to believe / be brought up by
and has adopted ( 3 times )

There isn’t really a “right” answer. You need to be honest about what you and the rest of your family are able to give.

We adopted our son when he was older, at the age of 3, and we’ve met many families who did what’s called foster to adopt or early permanence. That’s where a baby is placed with their prospective adopters very early on, often while legal processes are ongoing, so they can form secure attachments from the beginning and avoid multiple moves.

If adoption does become the plan for this baby, there will usually be conversations around contact. Even if your niece or brother aren’t able to maintain that, there can sometimes be options for wider family involvement. That could be a one-off meeting, ongoing direct contact, or letterbox contact. From our side, we treasure every piece of information and connection we have to our son’s birth family. It really does matter as they grow.

Whatever you decide, it's okay to be honest with social services about what you can manage, now and in the future.

Social work have a responsibility to explore options. They're probably anticipating OP will say she's too old

But perhaps OP could request some contact with the child post-adoption. This is more common than in the past and more likely to be feasible if the birth family are supporting the adoptive placement, not seeking to undermine it

I'm sorry you're finding yourself in such a difficult position, OP.

In my opinion, you should consider your existing children's best interests first and foremost. The 14 yo in particular is going to be hugely impacted by the addition of a baby to the family dynamic, without even getting into any other considerations.

How on earth did this happen if your db isnt capable of consent and what would happen if it was to happen again?

Another person with intrusive questions about an issue clearly addressed by the OP at the very beginning of her first post.

Do you have any idea how long it takes to get to the point of the conversations the OP is having now. It's highly likely that there was a delay in even realising this young woman was pregnant, and then the obvious safeguarding issue to be navigated alongside the many professional and family discussions required to work through the practicalities and legalities a situation like this.

I’m a similar age to you and I’d have the same reaction, am I too old. What I do know is there are amazing people out there who would like to adopt , they could be approved to foster adopt meaning they would collect the baby from the hospital meaning that there will be continuity of care.

the flip side is that kinship care support is out there if you decide to go ahead, you have to ask, demand that they support you because it won’t be offered, you also need good legal advice to ensure that you get all the support you need in that department re parental responsibility eg special guardianship order.

My only other thought is whether the niece’s condition could be hereditary? Parenting a disabled child in your 60’s just makes it far harder.

whatever you decide, my heart goes out to you. My dsd lives in 24/7 residential care and it’s every parent’s nightmare, thankfully dsds house is 100% female, currently at least

Sidenote but can the posters who keep referring to the queue of people waiting to adopt babies through foster to adopt please send them our way? Can't remember the last time I heard of one in our authority, and there were 2 in our entire region last year.
Adoption has been hit hard since covid, just like fostering sadly.

'Family' doesn't come into it, you are under no moral obligation here.

Practically, you are not in a position at your age to look after and bring up a baby, it's not fair on you or the child.

This child will be better off being put up for adoption to be looked after by someone who can give everything to their upbringing .

You can say no to this with a clear conscience.

I also think it may be a little naive to say there won’t be any pressure on the OP to agree to caring for the child. It probably would not be voiced as such, or even openly but there may be comments like,
“Of course, it's often best for baby to be cared for by the family… and then baby will also be able to have a relationship with its grandfather, (your DB) too….”
Please don't feel guilty if you decide against.

Nobody owes me an explanation. Who are you? Social services?

I think it's a huge ask - I'm your age, and wouldn't take on a baby.

Some pps have said they wouldn't put a family member into the 'system' but a baby will be adopted, by a family which is screened and supported, and loving. I think this could be best for the baby.

They should put her on contraception at the same time as giving birth and if the father is also in the same residential setting then I would imagine he is also incapable of giving consent.

Just because mentally they both dont understand fully what is happening or the repercussions doesn't mean physically stuff cant happen.

Where does OP say the parents have learning disabilities ?

Nobody owes you an explanation, and yet you felt compelled to ask such a personal question...

I’m not sure if anyone has already mentioned this, but what if your niece has more babies after this one?