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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About mothers day getting weird with my brother

213 replies

SubtleSnake · 15/03/2026 22:34

Hi all

This is a bit awkward and i’m not sure if i’ve handled it wrong tbh so hoping for outside views.

My younger brother (15) has been living with me FT since last summer. Long story but he was having massive behaviour issues at home, school refusing etc and mum basically said it was either he went into care or could he stay with me “for a bit”. That was 8 months ago and he’s still here. Dad hasn’t been involved for years so that’s not an option.

It hasn’t been easy but he’s settled a lot actually. Goes to school most days now, eats proper food, normal stuff like that.

Anyway today obviously mothers day. I woke up and he’d left a little bag on the kitchen table with chocolates and a mug and a card saying thank you for looking after him and “being more like a mum than anyone”. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I told him he didn’t need to do that and that mum is still his mum etc but he just shrugged and said he wanted to.

Later i met mum for lunch (this was already planned) and somehow it came up because he’d texted her just “happy mothers day”. She asked if he’d done anything for me and i stupidly said yes he’d given me a card.

She absolutely flipped. Said i’ve clearly encouraged it and i’m trying to replace her which i honestly haven’t at all. If anything i’ve tried to keep her involved but she rarely asks about him unless there’s a problem.

Now i feel really weird about the whole thing. I didn’t ask for the presents and didn’t even know he’d done it until this morning. But also he’s 15 and i’m the one doing school runs, parents evenings, buying trainers when he grows again etc so i can see why he did it?

Mum left lunch early and now isn’t replying to messages.

AIBU to think she’s being unfair here or have i accidentally stepped into something i shouldn’t have. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 15/03/2026 22:36

You've done nothing wrong, she palmed off her teenager, and you've clearly connected with him and he's doing well with you. Her reaction probably comes from shame or embarrassment deep down, although I suspect she won't acknowledge that. It's lovely he recognised the role you are playing in his life

purpleme12 · 15/03/2026 22:37

Mmm that's tough

I guess I can see it from both sides

SMM2020 · 15/03/2026 22:37

I think what your brother done was very sweet - your mum clearly feels threatened but that’s her own issue after palming him off onto you. Not sure what she thought was going to happen.

You haven’t done anything wrong, he’s living with you and wanted to show appreciation. That’s what you should focus on, not your mums insecurities. Give her space and don’t feed into it.

HolyMoly24 · 15/03/2026 22:37

So she wants to palm off all parenting responsibilities to you but still wants the perks like a card and gifts on Mother’s Day?

YANBU

HotRootsAndNaughtyToots · 15/03/2026 22:37

I think you're ok.

Your mum's reaction is understandable, even if she's been, shall we say, a less-than-great mum, but you've not done anything wrong here.

It sounds like your brother is a lovely boy flourishing under your care and it was a beautiful gesture to you. Just because you didn't encourage it doesn't mean you can't accept it.

tensmum1964 · 15/03/2026 22:40

Your Mum is being dramatic and selfish to be honest. I think the fact that he said that you "are more like a Mum than anyone" sadly shows how his Mum has failed him. Plus your love and support clearly mean a lot to him and will help him thrive. Just keep doing what you are doing and let your Mum sulk and have tantrums. She sounds like the problem, not you.

CheeseWisely · 15/03/2026 22:41

You have nothing to feel awkward or bad about OP. It sounds like you’ve provided the loving stable home that your Mum for whatever reason couldn’t, and that your brother appreciates that.

Onemanwenttomo · 15/03/2026 22:41

Her reaction says a lot about why he wasn't doing well with her tbh. She sounds self centre and childish.

Your brother sounds like he is doing much better with you.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 15/03/2026 22:41

Your mother's the one in the wrong here. Your brother did a nice thing showing his appreciation of what you are doing. I can understand your Mother feeling upset about the situation between her and your brother but she shouldn't be blaming you.

Silverbirchleaf · 15/03/2026 22:45

That’s lovely that your brother thought to show his appreciation.

Your mum sounds jealous. Don’t let her outburst spoil your brothers gesture. It’s lovely that you are able to support him.

Ponderingwindow · 15/03/2026 22:45

You are filling the parental role. Your brother needs to know he can trust you in that role. You don’t need to demure his acknowledgement of you as a proxy mother.

His own mother gave up and is upset because she is being presented with the reality of her own choices. Don’t try to placate her. You should just focus on the child in your care.

4wardlooking · 15/03/2026 22:47

TheCurious0range · 15/03/2026 22:36

You've done nothing wrong, she palmed off her teenager, and you've clearly connected with him and he's doing well with you. Her reaction probably comes from shame or embarrassment deep down, although I suspect she won't acknowledge that. It's lovely he recognised the role you are playing in his life

This!

Your brother sounds like he is turning a corner, maturing into a nice young man and is showing his gratitude to you for helping him at his time of need.

Your mum should be thanking you for having helped her son, not everyone would have taken on such a huge responsibility.

She sounds a little unhinged tbh. Keep supporting your brother if you can, whatever you’re doing, it’s working!

bananaboats · 15/03/2026 22:47

Your mum is BU. I think your brother sounds very thoughtful.

MarxistMags · 15/03/2026 22:48

I agree. What a lovely, thoughtful boy.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/03/2026 22:48

I think your mother is probably feeling guilty and blaming you.

Ultimately, you are the one doing the care currently and it's lovely that your brother appreciates it!

NoYourNameChanged · 15/03/2026 22:50

tensmum1964 · 15/03/2026 22:40

Your Mum is being dramatic and selfish to be honest. I think the fact that he said that you "are more like a Mum than anyone" sadly shows how his Mum has failed him. Plus your love and support clearly mean a lot to him and will help him thrive. Just keep doing what you are doing and let your Mum sulk and have tantrums. She sounds like the problem, not you.

This!! Lucky, lucky brother to have you x

Morepositivemum · 15/03/2026 22:53

I’d guess all her guilt and worries just came to a head and unfortunately you got it all. I can see why she’d be upset but it’s lovely your brother did that and anything you get is deserved because you’ve done a really good thing

Random321 · 15/03/2026 22:55

You have done nothing wrong. Your brother is lucky to have you.

This is down to your mum and her own issues.

RedRock41 · 15/03/2026 22:56

Well done on doing the great job your Mum should be doing. Enjoy the unprompted thank you. I think it’s lovely. He maybe also wanted to feel like he was giving back. Your Mum was out of order.

LaughingCat · 15/03/2026 22:59

You stepped up when he needed it the most and I think it’s lovely that he’s acknowledging that.

Anger is the emotion many people channel other, less comfortable emotions into: shame, guilt, sadness, fear. Whatever provoked your mum to flip out, is what she’s feeling underneath that anger. Sad but understandable. And also not your problem - this is her emotional baggage that she needs to face and process.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You’ve done nothing wrong - you and your brother sound like cracking people. Enjoy the chocolates and the close, loving relationship you’re building with your little bro.

Edited a typo

Driftingawaynow · 15/03/2026 23:01

Your mum is being a total arsehole. Letting you parent her child is terrible for both you and your brother, and then doing this! What a breathtaking twattish thing to do. Well done you and your bro, you don’t deserve this.

Sasha07 · 15/03/2026 23:04

Your brother has shown you he feels safe and secure with you. How nice that he chose to think about you in that way and wanted to show his appreciation. Don't let your mum drag that down. Be proud of what you've accomplished with him ♥️

If it was my son I was having issues with and he went to live with my daughter, I'd feel so damn proud of you both. I think your mum sounds emotionally immature tbh but she was probably just caught offguard... Don't let her reaction pee on your parade though, you earned his appreciation. He's shown maturity to recognise what you've done for him.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 15/03/2026 23:05

Your mum sounds horrendous.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I told him he didn’t need to do that and that mum is still his mum etc but he just shrugged and said he wanted to.

On this point
He is clearly signaling to you ... I would call this "a bid" (Google it). Your "you didnt need to" was a rejection of that bid. He is 15 and living with his sister - he is vulnerable and still a child even if he may not look like one.
He needs love reassurance and support and unfortunately both of his parents have dailed him horribly.

I would follow up with him tonight or tomorrow am and explain you were stunned and didnt know what to say (true) and you love him (also true) and it was an incredibly thoughful think to do and you are really touched (hopefully also true)

You sound like a great sister. Your mum is.... not a great mother.

Poor boy... Lucky he has you.

Your mother flouncing from a lunch would be a lot lower on my list than my brother...

Maddy70 · 15/03/2026 23:09

She's just upset it's mother's day and she's realised that her relationship with him has deteriorated. Youve done nothing wrong. She's just upset

Eenameenadeeka · 15/03/2026 23:09

So sweet of your brother, and good on you stepping up for him too. Your Mum probably feels guilty, I'm not sure why she would expect anything from him when she's given up caring for him.
Agree with the PP, let him know you were so surprised by the gift but you appreciate it so much - he is thanking you for your role and I think it's important to acknowledge it for him.