About mothers day getting weird with my brother

[SubtleSnake]

Hi all

This is a bit awkward and i’m not sure if i’ve handled it wrong tbh so hoping for outside views.

My younger brother (15) has been living with me FT since last summer. Long story but he was having massive behaviour issues at home, school refusing etc and mum basically said it was either he went into care or could he stay with me “for a bit”. That was 8 months ago and he’s still here. Dad hasn’t been involved for years so that’s not an option.

It hasn’t been easy but he’s settled a lot actually. Goes to school most days now, eats proper food, normal stuff like that.

Anyway today obviously mothers day. I woke up and he’d left a little bag on the kitchen table with chocolates and a mug and a card saying thank you for looking after him and “being more like a mum than anyone”. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I told him he didn’t need to do that and that mum is still his mum etc but he just shrugged and said he wanted to.

Later i met mum for lunch (this was already planned) and somehow it came up because he’d texted her just “happy mothers day”. She asked if he’d done anything for me and i stupidly said yes he’d given me a card.

She absolutely flipped. Said i’ve clearly encouraged it and i’m trying to replace her which i honestly haven’t at all. If anything i’ve tried to keep her involved but she rarely asks about him unless there’s a problem.

Now i feel really weird about the whole thing. I didn’t ask for the presents and didn’t even know he’d done it until this morning. But also he’s 15 and i’m the one doing school runs, parents evenings, buying trainers when he grows again etc so i can see why he did it?

Mum left lunch early and now isn’t replying to messages.

AIBU to think she’s being unfair here or have i accidentally stepped into something i shouldn’t have. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone.

Are you paying all dbs expenses or doe dm contribute at all? How old are you and what are your plans going forwards?

U should be really proud of ur brother, what a lovely boy, he’s done all that without being asked, it shows what a wonderful role model you are to him, you’re doing more for him than his own mother so a gesture of appreciation from him as Mother’s Day is technically about all the females around us that take care of us, whether that’s a sister or aunt.
ur mum is clearly feeling jealous as it wasn’t done for her, the fact she even asked the question, would she have been happy if you answered no

I hope you properly acknowledge your brother’s thoughtful gift. It’s lovely that he did that off his own bat. Your mum needs to get a grip.

Your brother is 15 and did something kind and thoughtful for you on Mother's Day - give him credit for that! Tell him it was really thoughtful of him and you really appreciate it and it means a lot to you.

As for your DM, well, she sounds like she has issues of her own. She has to work that out herself and not take it out on you, and more importantly not on the kid in this situation, your 15-year old brother. Poor kid sound like he needs a bit of kindness and support so it's great you can be there and are willing to be there for him.

You didn't do anything wrong OP and neither did your brother. I think your mum is likely feeling guilty for neglecting your brother and is taking it out on you. 💐

Echoing what others have said, you haven't done anything wrong. It was a very loaded question your mother asked you and you were caught by suprise. Now you are forewarned by her sense of competition, even thoughts she'd given up on him and you have stepped up.

It would be lovely if you could thank your brother for his lovely gesture though. He showed his vulnerability by getting that gift and, caught in the moment, you rebuffed it a bit (it's ok, you are young and learning too and clearly doing a brilliant job with him)

She sounds like a friggin narcissist. She’s obviously feeling threatened and taking it out on you. You deserved the card and she didn’t. She needs to grow up.

Your mother should be grateful that you were there for her son!

There aren't two sides. There's a sister whose doing her best by her brother after his mother absolved herself of all responsibility for him. It's a positive that he wants to acknowledge what his sister has done for him.

@SubtleSnake That's such a wonderful gesture. Don't let your mum spoil this. You don't have to be a biological or traditional mother to be celebrated on Mother's Day, and it sounds like your DB just wants to acknowledge your generosity, and to thank you.

@SubtleSnake Also, giving a gift (in any circumstance) is significant for the giver, as well as the recipient. Your DB might feel estranged from his own mum, and him giving a gift to a mothering figure validates his own need to be loved, cared for and 'mothered'.

He will always remember you being there for him, I still remember the person from 35 years ago (My boyfriend mum)💐

I think this shows there’s a fundamental problem with their relationship. He’s obviously a very considerate young man deep down but your mom brings out a hostility within him. I have a lad the same age and I can categorically say from my experience he’s been harder to parent at this age than my daughter was. I would find it hard especially without my husband around so for that I sympathise with your mom, did she not think for one second how he may feel though. Making him leave his home, she may well have felt she had no choice but to not realise this may cause a lot of damage that will require a lot of work to fix is astounding. There is no excuse for her not to be taking a vested interest in him. He’s at the most important time in her schooling to date and it’s you going to parents evening and you replacing shoes. She’s lucky to get a text message and from the sound of her effort in the last 8 months he’s shown again he’s not a bad lad. He probably had a little money and decided to spend it on you. Don’t let your mom make you feel weird. She sounds somewhat toxic, to ignore you for something out your control and being put in a position of her own making is unfair.

It’s obvious, there are obviously reasons this mom has said he needs to go live somewhere else, but when it’s then the daughter buying shoes and going to parents evening then the mom has done more than just taking a break to settle down, she’s basically been absent for 8 months theOP stated she rarely asks about him. He’s now got 2 parents that’s abandoned him

Your Mum sounds self centred. Is she supporting your brother in any way at all - does she send over his child benefit, message him to ask how he is, liaise with school? You should probably be claiming some kind of financial support for looking after him. You should be proud of yourself for helping him out & he obviously appreciates all you do for him. I assume he is aware she made a fuss?

How?
Shouldn't mum be grateful that her son's taken care off by his own sister?
She clearly couldn't manage

She hasn’t been less than a great mum. She has been a shit mum. Also, her reaction is understandable only from the angle that she is self centred and so she is incapable of understanding the role op has played in brother life versus herself ready to put him in care and even now not showing much interest.

That was a thoughtful gesture from your brother, don’t make him think it was weird or wrong. He’s being vulnerable showing you he’s grateful.

I can understand your Mum being a little hurt, but she needs to work on her relationship with her son, not blame you. Focus on your brother, he’s the child, your Mum will have to deal with it.

How lovely of your brother to do that for you. You should be v proud of yourself - and him. You must be v close and he must love and respect you a great deal. I hope you gave him a big hug and said how thoughtful it was of him and how much you appreciated it - so important to reward good behaviour, rather than focus on bad.

Your mum shouldn’t have got angry with you or your brother. She should be pleased he’s doing better. It’s obviously tactful not to mention he got you a card and gifts as it would be likely to hurt her. But if she asked you directly, you shouldn’t lie to her.

I can see why your mum’s hurt if she was at the end of her tether with your brother’s behavioir - it’s not easy as a lone parent. But she should be happy and grateful he’s improving since living with you. And she should still be covering his expenses - presumably she still gets child benefit? - and trying to rebuild her relationship with your brother, by supporting him as much as she can. Must be hard for him (and you) not having his dad. Does he have other men (grandad, uncles, family friends) who take an interest in him?

You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s difficult having an emotionally immature Mother. She can’t think about anything but herself and is unable to empathise. She probably didn’t have a great role model in her Mum I guess. It’s the way things are.

You deserved the acknowledgment from your brother. Don't feel guilty about it. You have probably changed the trajectory of his life and you should be proud of yourself. All kids need is just one solid adult. Well done. I get how uncomfortable that must feel for you though. Keep showing love. You sound like an incredible example of a human being.x

What an amazing sister you are! Stepped up when he needed you and given him a home, structure and routine allowing him to settle and thrive with you.
What a beautiful gesture from him showing how much he values you… honestly such a moving story.
I would well imagine your mum feels hurt but that’s not down to you or your brother it’s her own failing as his parent but she taking it out on others rather than reflecting on herself.
Time will heal, leave her to it to now!
You are amazing and hope your brother continues to thrive.

another on agreeing with @SalmonOnFinnCrisp. you felt shocked and awkward earlier but now you can talk to him and tell him you love him, how proud you are of him and thank him again for the card, chocs and sentiment. So many don’t get any acknowledgement of Mother’s Day from 15 year old boys not even a text like your mum did. Also agree to proudly use your mug and let him see it.
you and your brother have done absolutely nothing wrong, quite the contrary. Your mum is hurt but that’s separate. She was really wrong to say you had engineered things this way.

You're doing your best he's starting to thrive AND showing appreciation. Well done.

Your bother sounds lovely, he’s acknowledging that you’ve given him the stability he didn’t feel with your mum. None of this is your brothers or your fault.

Honestly if I were your mum in this situation I’d feel ashamed, sad and embarrassed. She’s projecting that feeling onto you two which may in part explain how he’s ended up with you.

Just crack on, he sounds like he will shape up to be a wonderful young man staying with you, his wellbeing is the most important thing here.

Well, I’m getting a sense of why their relationship broke down and he’s living with you, just from that post.

He is really lucky to have you. You have done nothing wrong. Her emotionally manipulative behaviour doesn’t need responding to. Don’t be organised by her.