About mothers day getting weird with my brother

[SubtleSnake]

Hi all

This is a bit awkward and i’m not sure if i’ve handled it wrong tbh so hoping for outside views.

My younger brother (15) has been living with me FT since last summer. Long story but he was having massive behaviour issues at home, school refusing etc and mum basically said it was either he went into care or could he stay with me “for a bit”. That was 8 months ago and he’s still here. Dad hasn’t been involved for years so that’s not an option.

It hasn’t been easy but he’s settled a lot actually. Goes to school most days now, eats proper food, normal stuff like that.

Anyway today obviously mothers day. I woke up and he’d left a little bag on the kitchen table with chocolates and a mug and a card saying thank you for looking after him and “being more like a mum than anyone”. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I told him he didn’t need to do that and that mum is still his mum etc but he just shrugged and said he wanted to.

Later i met mum for lunch (this was already planned) and somehow it came up because he’d texted her just “happy mothers day”. She asked if he’d done anything for me and i stupidly said yes he’d given me a card.

She absolutely flipped. Said i’ve clearly encouraged it and i’m trying to replace her which i honestly haven’t at all. If anything i’ve tried to keep her involved but she rarely asks about him unless there’s a problem.

Now i feel really weird about the whole thing. I didn’t ask for the presents and didn’t even know he’d done it until this morning. But also he’s 15 and i’m the one doing school runs, parents evenings, buying trainers when he grows again etc so i can see why he did it?

Mum left lunch early and now isn’t replying to messages.

AIBU to think she’s being unfair here or have i accidentally stepped into something i shouldn’t have. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone.

Neither you nor your brother has done anything wrong.

Your mum essentially threw him out, so it’s not surprising that he doesn’t feel especially well-disposed towards her. She hasn’t actually done anything for him as a mother for eight months. You have.

I think it’s very telling that his behaviour has improved so much since he’s moved in with you. It sounds to me that he really appreciates you and what you’ve done for him, and I suspect his behaviour at your mum’s house was bad partly because she wasn’t a particularly good or stable parent to him.

Don’t get me wrong, I can see why she’s upset. But she’s entirely unreasonable to be upset with you and she should also have foreseen that her son wouldn’t be terribly keen to make a fuss of her on Mother’s Day after she threw him out to live with you. She’s not unreasonable to feel sad, but she should have kept that to herself. And taking it out on you, when you’ve done so, so much for her and your brother by taking him in, is unforgivable. She sounds like a nightmare parent. You, by contrast, sound lovely.

You sound like a great person and your brother is very lucky to have you in his life. The fact that he made this gesture to you is very significant. You do not have to take on your mothers issues, they are hers alone and have nothing to do with you.

Please use your mug with pride & share your chocolates with your little brother.
It sounds like you have a healthy, strong relationship and he appreciates you.

Your mum is jealous (and possibly embarrassed). You don't need to minimise & squash down the hard work you & your brother are putting in to building his future, just make her feel better.

Is her being dramatic/cross & you apologising the usual routine?

I’m so pleased he acknowledged what you’ve been doing. I hope you realise that by getting him back into school regularly and with a good routine you’ve literally changed his life potential and outcomes. So glad you could do this for him where his own mother failed to. You deserve all the thanks. It shows his emotional maturity too

What they all said, but also: it’s really stark that you’re so unsure of yourself here. Given your mother’s emotionally immature flounce and making herself the victim aka gaslighting, I can see why you’ve doubted yourself. She’s failed both of you.

I think you’ve done an entirely commendable thing and your brother is lucky to have you. Your mother, on the other hand, fucked around and found out.

So you've to take all of the responsibility and work but none of the thanks, I can see why your brother was having issues living with her. Thank God you turned out sensible and are likely going to be the reason you and your brother have a decent shot at life. Your mother should be buying you gifts and thanking you, it's not your responsibility to fix her parenting woes and you've stepped right up and done it

I was also a teenager taken in by an older sibling, actually knew a couple of teenagers in similar situations at the time.
Your brother has shown you with actions because words aren't that forthcoming how much he appreciates you. You are stepping up in a mother role right now, he has shown you the gratitude you deserve.
If he's anything like myself and the others I knew in similar circumstances he will never stop being grateful.
Forget about your mum for now OP, focus on the positive kind actions of your brother and not the negative deflecting actions taking the shine away from what he did to celebrate you in his own way.

Your mum needs to get over herself.

You need to acknowledge your bro’s efforts directly with him, thank him and tell him how proud you are of him.

can you? Did you feel like a good mum as you threatened to put your children into care??

I think you message your mum ‘about what you said today mum, for fucks sake. You told <brother> you’d put him into care- theres no one on this planet who’d call that being a good mum and that’s his experience of you as a mum. You need to live with that and work to fix things with db not get mad at me just because it made you feel bad. I’m not going to listen to any more comments like today’s, I’ll leave.

What on earth are you on about

This is really good advice. Please take it.

I have to wonder if your mum's behaviour in general has more than a little to do with the breakdown in her relationship with her son.

I mean a mum who’s told her child she would put them in care rather than keep them is bloody lucky to get a happy mothers day at all, so I can’t see both sides at all.That is a complete deal breaker for respecting your mum. Maybe there are mitigating factors but the teen cannot be expected to care, they are an abandoned child.

She gave you, her daughter an ultimatum of either her son, your brother goes into care or you look after him. Relinquishing all of her motherly responsibilities right there, if you speak to her again I would probably remind her of that. You have done absolutely NOTHING wrong and you sound like an amazing sister, he’s very lucky to have you. Happy Mother’s Day

Your brother is clearly thriving under your care and he recognises that. Giving you a card and gift is a lovely gesture from him and you should be proud of yourself.
I would hope your mum appreciates it too and I think she is being quite childish. Hopefully this could be a turning point for her and her relationship with her son.

This is spot on. He needs you, and you should really acknowledge your role in his life as his safe person. You’ve done a great job op, be proud. And so should he be for making that acknowledgement.

Well ok fair enough.

It's a different post to the one you made before to me though

You've done a lovely thing taking him in. He's been thoughtful in acknowledging that. Your mother has let him down, and also you by creating a situation where you are caring for him, so she should just be quiet. And she should have a think about why he didn't get her anything.

This is excellent advice... Please please respond positively (in spades) to give reaching out. He needs this positive affirmation more than you can ever know.

You haven't done anything wrong, your mother is manipulative.

She shouldn't have even asked if your bother had given you anything.

What does your mother expect, she threatened to send her child to care and manipulate her other child into parenting a wayward sibling.

You've done nothing wrong and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job getting your brother's life back on track. Well done. Obviously your mum has her own issues but you are not responsible for that and sometimes you just have to acknowledge that some people in our lives are a bit irrational and you can't get to reasonable solutions with irrational people.

How lovely from your brother 💐 your mother can’t have it both ways!

Even from that couple of paragraphs, your mum sounds like a self-absorbed PITA.

Neither you or your brother have done anything wrong or even out of the ordinary, don't let her make you feel weird about it as the situation is obviously very positive in every respect, except for it highlighting her flaws, which she doesn't like.

Wow, well done @SubtleSnake
Parenting teens can be difficult at the best of times so parenting a teen with problems, who is not your child, when you are presumably fairly young yourself and not an experienced parent is a huge challenge. But it sounds like you are making a fantastic job of it. That takes a really special person and your brother obviously recognises that. You have taken on the parenting role. He wants to show that he appreciates you and you are absolutely entitled to accept that.
It sounds like your Mum recognises it too and Mother's Day probably brought her own shortcomings into sharp focus for her. Maybe that's not a bad thing, it could be the wake up call she needs, who knows. But that's not your problem to solve. Focus on your brother and be proud of what you and he are achieving together. Enjoy your chocolate and drink out of that mug with confidence and pride.

Your mum was hoping it would fail so he would have to come back and conform to her rules except your brother has flourished under your care. She doesn’t like her shortcomings being blatantly clear for all to see!
You have done nothing wrong and everything right by your brother x