About mothers day getting weird with my brother

[SubtleSnake]

Hi all

This is a bit awkward and i’m not sure if i’ve handled it wrong tbh so hoping for outside views.

My younger brother (15) has been living with me FT since last summer. Long story but he was having massive behaviour issues at home, school refusing etc and mum basically said it was either he went into care or could he stay with me “for a bit”. That was 8 months ago and he’s still here. Dad hasn’t been involved for years so that’s not an option.

It hasn’t been easy but he’s settled a lot actually. Goes to school most days now, eats proper food, normal stuff like that.

Anyway today obviously mothers day. I woke up and he’d left a little bag on the kitchen table with chocolates and a mug and a card saying thank you for looking after him and “being more like a mum than anyone”. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I told him he didn’t need to do that and that mum is still his mum etc but he just shrugged and said he wanted to.

Later i met mum for lunch (this was already planned) and somehow it came up because he’d texted her just “happy mothers day”. She asked if he’d done anything for me and i stupidly said yes he’d given me a card.

She absolutely flipped. Said i’ve clearly encouraged it and i’m trying to replace her which i honestly haven’t at all. If anything i’ve tried to keep her involved but she rarely asks about him unless there’s a problem.

Now i feel really weird about the whole thing. I didn’t ask for the presents and didn’t even know he’d done it until this morning. But also he’s 15 and i’m the one doing school runs, parents evenings, buying trainers when he grows again etc so i can see why he did it?

Mum left lunch early and now isn’t replying to messages.

AIBU to think she’s being unfair here or have i accidentally stepped into something i shouldn’t have. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone.

Well done you for stepping up for your brother when he needed someone in his life to do so . He obviously appreciates all that you have done for him .
In regard to your mother . Oh dear , she had a sharp reminder of her shortcomings towards her son and she was jealous of his obvious appreciation of you . Shame on her . She threw her teddies out of the pram in front of you and flounced off as soon as she could .
Don't contact her and leave her to calm down and realise that she was in the wrong to react like that .I
Hopefully she will see she's been a bit dumb and will apologise .

i think your mums response perhaps explains something of why your brother struggled with your mum.

I agree you've done nothing wrong and your brother's choice to show his appreciation is very loving and loving thoughtful of him.

There is clearly some back story here. I can absolutely imagine an extremely strained relationship between a mum and teenage boy. I can understand how that might end up with the boy living with his adult sister. What I can't possibly fathom is the mother so completely abdicating her responsibilities that you're the one paying for his shoes and she doesn't attend parents evenings with you. Maybe there's a very good reason for your brother's anger towards your mum. Maybe your concern for her feelings are misplaced

No, you're obviously doing better than her. If she behaved like this with you, I'm not surprised he left. Just keep on doing your best for him.

You're amazing and if her reaction is an insight into how she is generally, no wonder he's with you

This.

You've done a brilliant thing and your mother sounds absolutely awful. That said you should've predicted this response and shown some tact for your db's sake not hers.

Her reaction shows she knows you are doing a better job than she could.

It sounds like she gave him up as a lost cause and you gave him a second chance. You have clearly been a positive role model for him which was all he needed, he appreciates that and wanted to show you. I think he did a lovely thing. By all means try to keep the lines of communications open with your mum but don't let her behaviour ruin what was such a lovely gesture. Between you and your brother you have both turned things around in 8 months, continue as you are and things can only get better.

Your mum is ignoring the fact that you are the one currently parenting him! Also, it’s not “Mothers Day”, it’s “Mothering Sunday”, which honours all women who are mothering children, regardless of their familial or biological relationship to them. You are providing a large part of the ‘mothering’ in his life at the moment, and it is wonderful that he has acknowledged and thanked you for it, and hasn’t forgotten his mum either. She probably has a lot of guilt and anger about the situation, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that you and he are clearly doing well.

What an incredible big sister you are. I think your mum's reaction is probably at the root of her problems. He is clearly thriving under consistent care. She does not deserve your care given you have assumed so much responsibility.

Kinship care is really hard and takes guts. Well done OP for prioritising the child in this

If this is how your mum behaves then there is little wonder your brother is doing better living with you. Sorry. The present came from a good place, what a nice lad actually! He wanted to say thankyou and he should be allowed to. Don't let your mums jealousy and weird behaviour ruin that for you or your brother.

Ps - and thanks for being a fab big sis!

I agree with this. It's lovely that he's shown his love and appreciation for you. Frankly your mum doesn't deserve anything especially after telling him he could go into care if you didn't take him.

Your mum's reaction says a lot about you and your brothers upbringing and why he came to live with you.

You sound like a lovely sister and your brother did nothing wrong and you also didn't do anything wrong by telling your mum what your brother did for you on Mother's Day.

He also sounds thoughtful and caring and you are bringing out the best in him and shaping him into the young man he will soon be.

Unfortunately your mum sounds immature and best to just give her space.

He’s basically thanking you for stepping up and saving his life and sanity. If your mother were doing her job properly, she would have been happy and grateful that he’s settled down after being with you not throwing a drama. Even if privately, it was upsetting for her. She sounds very hard work-you have done a big thing in supporting your brother-he wants to show his appreciation.

Sorry you have to put up with this. You clearly connected with him in important ways that his mum obviously couldn’t. Obviously his dad opted out, so was even less helpful. I understand your mum is jealous but obviously you’ve done everyone a huge favour. Feel like it puts more pressure on you too though. Hope you can be ok.

You're obviously doing a good job and he's obviously v grateful and happy. He's sounds settled and doing well. Maybe he was craving care, attention and routine and you've given him that. Well done. I would leave your mum alone for a bit and keep doing what you're doing. He's done nothing wrong either and you should maybe let him know, that you understand why he got you the present and card and thank him

Sorry - it is clear that your mum is the issue here. He communicated that in the message that accompanied his lovely gift. He’s very lucky to have you, but there is clearly stuff going on with your mother that you have simply not realised for him to be settling with you and for feeling that he is safer and more loved in your care.

Your mother's reaction is her fighting her own demons, and not a reflection on anything you've done.
What is important is that you're there for your brother and he appreciates that.
Don't allow your mom's turmoil to spoil his gesture.

The fa t she flipped demonstrates she has a temper and is emotionally difficult.

This!!! She sounds awful OP. If she can’t see why he might have treated you after caring for him for 8 months when she was happy to put him into care, then she is a bit thick tbh.

Both of you block her for a bit and get some peace.

Sounds like you’ve done an amazing job supporting your brother and bringing stability to his life, something your mum wasn’t able to do.

Its lovely he recognised that and sounds like he’s really growing up.

Leave your mum to sulk, she’s obviously got a lot of issues to work through and should be grateful for what you’ve done when she gave up on him.

This is the one. Is she narcissistic?
I don’t like the way she ‘span’ the fact that you are taking on her responsibilities and doing better into something offensive to her.

My guess is he’s better/emotionally safer with you.

your mom sounds horrendous.
you sound lovely & like you’re doing a GREATjob with your brother.
your brother sounds sweet!
please do not take away from what he did to show he cares about you (and feels neglected - rightfully so - by your mom). This is a 15 year old doing better because of your intervention, opening up & showing /telling you that. Keep supporting him in that!

ignore your mom’s fucking tantrum. This is very much NOT about her!

I can see it from the child's side, certainly.