About mothers day getting weird with my brother

[SubtleSnake]

Hi all

This is a bit awkward and i’m not sure if i’ve handled it wrong tbh so hoping for outside views.

My younger brother (15) has been living with me FT since last summer. Long story but he was having massive behaviour issues at home, school refusing etc and mum basically said it was either he went into care or could he stay with me “for a bit”. That was 8 months ago and he’s still here. Dad hasn’t been involved for years so that’s not an option.

It hasn’t been easy but he’s settled a lot actually. Goes to school most days now, eats proper food, normal stuff like that.

Anyway today obviously mothers day. I woke up and he’d left a little bag on the kitchen table with chocolates and a mug and a card saying thank you for looking after him and “being more like a mum than anyone”. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I told him he didn’t need to do that and that mum is still his mum etc but he just shrugged and said he wanted to.

Later i met mum for lunch (this was already planned) and somehow it came up because he’d texted her just “happy mothers day”. She asked if he’d done anything for me and i stupidly said yes he’d given me a card.

She absolutely flipped. Said i’ve clearly encouraged it and i’m trying to replace her which i honestly haven’t at all. If anything i’ve tried to keep her involved but she rarely asks about him unless there’s a problem.

Now i feel really weird about the whole thing. I didn’t ask for the presents and didn’t even know he’d done it until this morning. But also he’s 15 and i’m the one doing school runs, parents evenings, buying trainers when he grows again etc so i can see why he did it?

Mum left lunch early and now isn’t replying to messages.

AIBU to think she’s being unfair here or have i accidentally stepped into something i shouldn’t have. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone.

Seems your brother has started to turn a corner, thanks to you OP, not your mum.
She sounds awfully hard work - threatening to put him in care unless you took him in, sulking and ignoring because he gave you a very small token of appreciation. What do you get out of your relationship with her? Was she a good mum to you? I’d be tempted to let her sulk indefinitely! Don’t let her drive a wedge between you and your brother.

You’ve taken on a huge responsibility, one that should have been your mums, but one that you have stepped up to regardless. How exactly is she spending her time these days with you caring for her son full time? Of course you shouldn’t feel guilty for him giving you a small token of his appreciation, it actually shows what good work you have done with him that he can recognise this.

She’s sulking because she knows you’ve stepped up in a way she couldn’t, and him celebrating you yesterday just highlights that. It’s her problem not yours, and not his. Don’t let her derail his progress, it sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job 👏🏼

Well she’s handed over parenting to you so what does she expect 🙁

I can't

She's dumped her son on his sister and she's clearly doing a good job.

She's jealous

@SubtleSnake I'd be a bit wary she'd try to take him back. Which will put it all back to the beginning

Out of interest, does she help financially? Do you get his child benefit?

I can see why your bother thinks more highly of you than her.

You really need to take a step back from her and think about how she behaved.

she turned a nice gesture from your brother into a drama and is now abusing you by ignoring your calls.

I suggest you start ignoring her.

Absolutely agree with this. Your mum sounds like a piece of work and your bro is lucky to have you. Let her storm and sulk!! You didn’t asked for this, are clearly doing a great job and your mum needs to grow up. She can’t have it both ways!

The old fashioned term for Mothers Day was Mothering Sunday.

You are generously and successfully doing the mothering in this situation.
Your brother knows it and showed his appreciation in a very mature way.
Your mother also knows it and showed her jealousy/embarrassment/humiliation and reactive personality in a very immature way.

I would give her time to come to her senses. But from the little you say about her maybe she won’t come to her senses at all and it can be surmised that that’s what caused the problem in the first place.

In the meantime, you are doing a fantastic job. Well done !
Your mum should be very proud of you.

Well, if it wasn’t before, it should be abundantly obvious why your brother was struggling as he was. What a lovely thing he’s done and how wonderful of you to be such a safe place for him. It sounds like you both would benefit from distance from your mum because it sounds like a really dysfunctional family dynamic.

That gesture from your brother says it all. Your mother handed him over to you because she couldn't cope with him. You have made a success of it and his appreciation of you is evident in his actions. Your mother is reaping what she sowed. She sounds quite immature and self centred. Do not give it another thought. Let her contact you. You have done nothing wrong. She does not deserve any recognition from him as a mother. You earn't the praise and she wants to take credit for it.

Your mum is being very unfair. You stepped in where she couldn't and she owes you gratitude, not sulks and silence.
The fact your brother did what he did and has improved under your care doesn't speak well of her parenting of him and now she seems to be reaping what she sowed, doesn't like it, and is taking it out on you.
If I were you I'd not chase her. She doesn't seem to be a positive influence in your lives right now, so don't let her create upset and drama. Concentrate on your brother and let her get on with it. You've done nothing wrong and it's not on you to try and fix anything.

At the forefront of this is how your DB feels, and he's expressed his feelings to you. Its lovely that you've taken him in and he feels settled enough to do what he's done.

Your DM on the other hand, while having the right to be upset needs to realise that she doesn't get to give up on her DC yet still get to be treated like his DM.

Don't underestimate how incredibly hard it must have been for a 15yo boy to be so emotionally vulnerable, especially in his circumstances. Your response might have felt like a rejection, and he must already feel rejected by every other parental figure in his life. Please go give him a hug, say thank you properly and that you love him and appreciate him!

Mothers dont choose to give up on their children at the drop of a hat.... she likely tried everything she could and did the best with what she had and nothing worked. It doesnt make her a 'less than great parent' she will be feeling like a complete and utter failure with guilt none of you unless you have lived it could even fathom.

You didnt do anything wrong OP, its great hes settled down for you but please try to understand where your mum.is coming from, she doesnt ask about him much probably through the above feelings she carries, she will also carry a huge amount of resentment (not towards you) but towards herself and the situation.

I have a teen, he still lives with me but I wont lie and say hes easy, hes disrespectful and has said numerous times how much he hates me, hes brought things to my door I never thought he would all without leaving his room! Refusal to go to college etc so I understand why your mum reached breaking point.

Give her time and your brother time and then start on getting them to repair their relationship. It wont happen overnight or even quickly but theres always hope that it will be repairable.

Yes there's the side of the young woman who has stepped into the breach, rescued her teenage brother and her mother from a difficult situation and actually got her brother back on track.
And there's the side of the woman who gave up on her teenage son, was prepared to send him to live in foster care with strangers because he,was too much trouble for her.

Which one do you think deserves recognition on Mothers' Day?

OP, you have done nothing wrong. It's no wonder that your brother wanted to recognise what you have done for him and the effort that has taken. Your mum should think herself lucky that she got a text message from him to mark the day. She has failed him, although tbf, she obviously did OK bringing you up.

OP hasn't returned to the thread but on the chance that this is real I'd say that OPs mum sounds like either she has very poor emotional intelligence or has very poor reasoning ability.
Imagine becoming stroppy with the person who is raising her son for her.
I hope that that she is at least giving you some financial support (even if it's just his family allowance?).

Enjoy your brother's appreciation, you have earned it.

You have done nothing wrong, your mother on the other hand…..

she should be grateful she even got a text bearing in mind she kicked her 15 year old child out and has basically had nothing to do with them since

your brother wanted to do something nice for you and has done

Your mother should be ashamed of herself, probably it’s anger and embarrassment who knows

Let her sulk. Do not make first contact

Morning all, didn’t expect this many replies if i’m honest. Have been reading through before work.

Just to clear a few things up as people asked.

Mum has never really been that hands on with him if i’m being completely honest. Even when he was younger she let him get away with a lot and then would get overwhelmed when it inevitably blew up. I don’t say that to be nasty it’s just sort of how it was.

Also she doesn’t contribute financially at all. Not a penny. I didn’t ask for rent or anything like that but people asked so just being honest. When he had his birthday last month i sorted everything, cake, presents, a few of his mates round etc. Mum sent a text and that was about it.

The other thing is the few times he does see her he comes back totally different again. Really mouthy and wound up and then it takes a few days to get him settled back down. I haven’t said that to her because i know it would cause WW3 but it does happen.

She was also annoyed yesterday that he didn’t come to the lunch with us. But he already had plans with his friends to go cinema and i didn’t think it was fair to cancel that last minute. She said that was “rude” and that he should have made the effort on mothers day.

I don’t know. I do get that it probably hurt her feelings but at the same time she’s the one who said he couldn’t stay with her anymore so i’m a bit stuck with what she expects exactly

I think your mother sounds awful OP, thank goodness your brother has you. Poor kid

Is it actually a problem if WW3 starts?

To be honest, it sounds like you'd both be better off with your Mum in your lives less, I'm not sure I'd be able to resist telling her exactly what a crap parent she is, and then leaving her to stew in her own anger.

She doesn’t sound very nice. He gave as much effort to Mother’s Day as she did his birthday. Thankgod he has you. Because he must feel completely rejected by both parents

Have you at least arranged for child befit to come to you not her? It’s about £100 every four weeks so not loads but at least will pay for some bits. You sound like you’re doing such a great job don’t worry too much about appeasing your mum she sounds hard work.

Your mum has signed out of any engagement with her son. Everytime he visits her, he's set up for disappointment and failure as his expectations of any change or improvement are never met. That is on HER. There is NOTHING wrong with him!!! Does he have to go and see her? If he wants to, perhaps talk to him about not having those expectations, because she's not able (or willing!) to meet them.
If he doesn't want to, support him in NC with her. She sounds incredibly toxic - whatever her reasons or background for it, she is NOT a good mom.
You're what's saving your brother right now - prioritise him (and yourself!!!). Do not engage with the toxicity and appalling behaviour of your mom. You only have so much bandwidth - and her fun'n'games should not get any of it.
Your poor brother -- and poor you! I hope you realise how incredible YOU are and your brother is!

I'd cut her right off, go full NC, and let her sail in her own sea of selfpity. She sounds like she very much made her bed.

This🖕