About mothers day getting weird with my brother

[SubtleSnake]

Hi all

This is a bit awkward and i’m not sure if i’ve handled it wrong tbh so hoping for outside views.

My younger brother (15) has been living with me FT since last summer. Long story but he was having massive behaviour issues at home, school refusing etc and mum basically said it was either he went into care or could he stay with me “for a bit”. That was 8 months ago and he’s still here. Dad hasn’t been involved for years so that’s not an option.

It hasn’t been easy but he’s settled a lot actually. Goes to school most days now, eats proper food, normal stuff like that.

Anyway today obviously mothers day. I woke up and he’d left a little bag on the kitchen table with chocolates and a mug and a card saying thank you for looking after him and “being more like a mum than anyone”. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I told him he didn’t need to do that and that mum is still his mum etc but he just shrugged and said he wanted to.

Later i met mum for lunch (this was already planned) and somehow it came up because he’d texted her just “happy mothers day”. She asked if he’d done anything for me and i stupidly said yes he’d given me a card.

She absolutely flipped. Said i’ve clearly encouraged it and i’m trying to replace her which i honestly haven’t at all. If anything i’ve tried to keep her involved but she rarely asks about him unless there’s a problem.

Now i feel really weird about the whole thing. I didn’t ask for the presents and didn’t even know he’d done it until this morning. But also he’s 15 and i’m the one doing school runs, parents evenings, buying trainers when he grows again etc so i can see why he did it?

Mum left lunch early and now isn’t replying to messages.

AIBU to think she’s being unfair here or have i accidentally stepped into something i shouldn’t have. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone.

It wasn't obvious why PP asked me if I felt like a good mum when I threatened to put my child into care no. It was strange

Also, I think at 15 given what he’s experiencing, that your brother did that for you and messaged his mum says a lot about him. The two of you are amazing and I think your mum needs to consider therapy.

You have given your brother stability and love and he appreciates it and wanted to thank you for everything you have done. That’s wonderful. In terms of your mum she asked, it would be odd to lie so I’d say he got me something to thank me for taking him in.

Your brother isn't weird. Neither are you.

Your mum on the other hand sounds a controlling manipulative woman.

Imo, when your dm went to her dd to say she was going to put your bro in care, this was a direct attempt to maintain control over you and force your bro to conform to her controlling.

Were the school aware of all this? What do they say when you turn up and they know he now lives with you send has a future?

You have done a very good thing. Don't let your dm spoil it. Don't let her wreck your relationship with your bro. Or make you feel weird.

Oh, and going to lunch with your mum, it was booked a while ago? Who suggested it be just you and her at a mother's day lunch? Who paid for it?
You didn't have to go. Be careful. She will be jealous of you, and your bro for dpi g well, and do her best to ruin it.

Your bro sent her a happy mother's day text. Did he want to or did he just do it because of her expectations and fall out.

Don't worry about her. Don't let your bro think her storming off is his fault somehow. Ignore her until she apologies, its not about her.

She thinks it all is about her. You've done a great thing. Her son is turning his life around. She brushes over that, and is more concerned for herself, and for some reason you don't know who is right.

It's great to know you are questioning your dm, and realising she doesn't have yours snd your bro best interests at heart. Don't apologise or make your bro apologise.

Your mum is completely in the wrong here. Don't let her impact the lovely thing your brother did.

Well done for taking care of your brother. It is an amazing thing to do. 💐

With your Mum willing to put him in care, I’d imagine the behaviour was dangerous, surely?
However, for it to have dramatically calmed down in just 8 months from living with you, it sounds like your Mum just couldn’t be arsed to parent her son and unsurprisingly your brother acted up.
For a 15 year-old to recognise what a Mother should be like (and then thank you for it), and then your Mum’s reaction at lunch despite rarely asking about him, it does sound like your Mum is the issue here.
You’re clearly doing something right with your brother and I hope it works out well for you both.

Not sure why you mentioned it TBH. It was extremely sweet of him to get you a gift and you're doing a brilliant thing looking after him. Your mum clearly feels insecure and supplanted but she kicked her 15 year old son out so I'm not sure what she expects.

As a social worker I can assure you that plenty of parents want to put their kids in care for reasons that are miles away from dangerous behaviour. It's usually because the parent has screwed up earlier in the child's life and by the time they reach teen years the relationship has broken down and the parent isn't able to do what they need to do to fix it. The number of emotionally immature parents who relate to their teens on a level of peers is extraordinary.

That was extremely sweet and mature from
your brother and your mum should be proud he’s turned a corner and can appreciate what you have done for him. She sounds jealous and maybe guilty for letting him down she he needed her. You have been there and clearly done a great job by talking him in and clearly connecting with him and supporting him. Well done, you are a great big sister and were there when he needed you. He sounds lovely and so do you.

You are obviously a great role model for your brother and he feels happier and more settled with you. How lovely of him to get you a card and a gift. What a thoughtful young man!

Your mum palmed him off on someone else. That’s how he sees it anyway.
There’s nothing for you to feel guilty about. Your mum is just struggling with the situation and lashing out. She’ll calm down.

What a lucky boy to have you, if ypur mum still wanted to be the mothering role she could still be attending the parents evening and buying/contributing to clothiny him etc

How? She was about to kick her teenager out into care and her daughter has picked up the slack and helped him sort his life out.

Given he’s been able to sort his life out without too many issues living with his sister (pretty rare at 15) there’s clearly been some terrible parenting done by Mum.

Yeah that’s what it sounds like has happened here. For the 15 year-old to suddenly be going back to school and being good for his sister, it seems like the issue was his Mum. Especially since the teenager has recognised “this is what it should feel like to have a supportive Mum” and to then actually thank her with a gift on Mother’s Day.
Poor lad, I hope he turns his life around.

This ⬆️

You sound lovely. You have taken on a big role in your brother’s life that sounds like a game changer for him. Neither you nor your brother did anything wrong, and the fact he sent her a text maybe shows he’s trying to keep communication open with his mum which could easily have collapsed given the circs. She should focus on the positive. And you should use your mug with pride, that’s a lovely thought from a teenager. Cherish it.

Let her have her tantrum. Don’t message her. She’s the one that palmed her teenager off. No wonder he doesn’t see her as a mother.

Your brother did a lovely thing and your dm has dumped him on you. You sound like you’re doing a brilliant job with him. I’d let your dm stew, she threw him out and is now resentful?!

So often, an argument about A is really about B

In this case, I imagine Mum's reaction is about the wider situation, not the card

your mum is incredibly unfair. Forget it OP. It wasn’t weird, your brother just gave you a token of appreciation. You’re doing a great thing and it seems like you’ve caught him from slipping away.

Exactly this.

No good deed goes unpunished

You stepped up to look after him where she couldn't, for whatever reason.

If she was a decent mother, she'd be happy that you're doing such a good job that even a 15 year old appreciates it.

It's not about you really. Mothers day has held a mirror up to her own failings.

Your mum was likely embarrassed as she’s done a piss poor job of raising her child herself and you’re obviously better at doing it. This is her problem, or yours. Sounds like your DB is doing well and you should be proud. He obviously appreciates you and can tell who the adult looking out for him is. Just ignore your mum.

Well it’s time for your mum to pull her socks up then. Surely this should be her wake up call. Can you suggest he starts seeing his mum one evening a week and building up to staying there?

I think you’re doing a really good job of looking after your DB and he appreciates it. There is nothing wrong with showing you how much he appreciates your support.

I would stop trying to contact your “D”M and give her a bit of time to cool off. When yiu are bank in touch i would put her on a serious information diet. My own “D”M is very similar. When I talk to her I ask her lots of questions about her own life avd we talk about that, which works because she’s simply not interested in other people. We always say about her “anything you do say will be remembered and used against you”.

Sending sympathy though, it can be tough having a Mum who can’t figure out basic parenting

I think it’s lovely that he went and got you a little something, teenage boys can be so thoughtless or embarrassed to show appreciation, it sounds like he’s finally feeling settled and flourishing.
Your Mum can’t threaten to put him into care, have you look after him for months and expect him NOT to get you anything.
Parenting IS tough, she was struggling to cope and you were, by the sounds of it, the only option left.
She is allowed to feel a twang of disappointment/regret what she shouldn’t have done was verbally said anything about it apart from ‘how lovely’.
What she shouldn’t have done is thrown a hissy fit and made it all about her, which I suspect is a pattern rather than a one off.
Let her ignore your messages, leave her to stew and carry on as you are