About mothers day getting weird with my brother

[SubtleSnake]

Hi all

This is a bit awkward and i’m not sure if i’ve handled it wrong tbh so hoping for outside views.

My younger brother (15) has been living with me FT since last summer. Long story but he was having massive behaviour issues at home, school refusing etc and mum basically said it was either he went into care or could he stay with me “for a bit”. That was 8 months ago and he’s still here. Dad hasn’t been involved for years so that’s not an option.

It hasn’t been easy but he’s settled a lot actually. Goes to school most days now, eats proper food, normal stuff like that.

Anyway today obviously mothers day. I woke up and he’d left a little bag on the kitchen table with chocolates and a mug and a card saying thank you for looking after him and “being more like a mum than anyone”. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I told him he didn’t need to do that and that mum is still his mum etc but he just shrugged and said he wanted to.

Later i met mum for lunch (this was already planned) and somehow it came up because he’d texted her just “happy mothers day”. She asked if he’d done anything for me and i stupidly said yes he’d given me a card.

She absolutely flipped. Said i’ve clearly encouraged it and i’m trying to replace her which i honestly haven’t at all. If anything i’ve tried to keep her involved but she rarely asks about him unless there’s a problem.

Now i feel really weird about the whole thing. I didn’t ask for the presents and didn’t even know he’d done it until this morning. But also he’s 15 and i’m the one doing school runs, parents evenings, buying trainers when he grows again etc so i can see why he did it?

Mum left lunch early and now isn’t replying to messages.

AIBU to think she’s being unfair here or have i accidentally stepped into something i shouldn’t have. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone.

You don’t have to worry about your mum’s feelings OP. She is not your responsibility. Focus on you and your brother. Look up the “grey rock” technique and use it on her. She sounds like she has serious issues but you are already doing more than enough you don’t need to take on her issues too. Grey rock the shit out of her.

Like I said on page 1 your focus should be your brother not your mum.

He made a bid which you rejected when you dismissed her gifts. You should talk to him.
Hes young and vulnerable even if he may not look it.

Let me guess, your mum wasn't "hands on" with you and didn't bother parenting you much either.

You come across as extremely competent (as well as generous and loving) for someone I'm guessing is in her 20s, and I get the sense that you had to be, from a very young age.

It sounds as if you have been a pillar of strength for your brother and it’s lovely that he thanked you.
She doesn’t give you any money for his keep, she let you sort all of his birthday and it sounds as if she didn’t buy him a present, she threatened to put him into care and she’s the one who is upset?!
I’m surprised you have anything to do with her if I’m honest.

I’m really sorry but she is not a good mother. To you or to him. You are amazing!! You will be making a MASSIVE difference to your brothers future. More than you can or will ever know, but trust me, you are doing an extraordinary and amazing thing here.

I agree
well done you
how old are you? Are you getting humid maintenance from her? And is child benefit in your name?

She's hurt that she only got a text but it doesnt sound like she has put much effort in to reconnect with him over the last 8 months so she cant expwct much more. He is just showing gratitude to the person who is caring for him .

So your mum offloaded being a full time parent to your brother yet got pissed off when he realised this and thanked the person who stepped up… think your mum just got a reality slap in the face and she didn’t like it 😏 leave her to sulk it out… bet she’s happily claiming his child benefit payments still

Makes me wonder why he wasnt doing well with your mum, what was she like behind closed doors?

I think it would be nice if you could say to your brother that you were a bit surprised but actually you really appreciate his card and present. He appreciates you and, just as importantly, needs to know you value him and the efforts he makes. I dont know what went wrong between him and your mum but given her outrageous reaction I'd say it was something to do with her putting her needs before his. If she'd had wept a little and said she was so sorry she'd not been able to help him like you had I'd be sympathetic but her reaction was OTT and selfish. Doesn't sound like she has ever thanked you for stepping into the breach. Well done, OP - sounds like you have done a fab job.

I can’t. She’s off loaded a problem to her daughter and now having hissy fit because she’s doing a great job. She should have said well done you deserve it!

Your mum needs to take a long hard look at herself

Your mother is some piece of work.
That poor boy has spoken from his heartvand you need to focus on his feelings and not your mother.
You are doing a great job.
Are you getting children's allowance for him, because you should be.
Forget about her and her ego and focus on that confused child trying to navigate very tough circumstances.
You sound like an amazing sister.

She flipped like that precisely because she knows that there's truth in it and she feels guilty.

I would just be relieved to have such a negative person at further distance
don’t give her the headspace she doesn’t deserve!

My mum wasn't around much when I was a teen and my youngest brother was a small toddler. He called me mum one day and my mother went ballistic at me saying basically the same things, that I'd encouraged it etc etc. I didn't, I was just doing all the 'mum' things. Obviously this is slightly different as my brother was confused but your brother is not, he knows what's what. Our mother's can't keep palming off their kids and leaving us to do all the hard and mundane shit without relinquishing some of the 'perks'.

This is on her. You've done nothing wrong.

Youre an amazing sister, and DB clearly knows and appreciates it. I wouldnt worry

You've done a wonderful thing taking care of your brother. His life outcomes look positive and that's down to you. Your mum needs to get over herself, she has no right to be upset. She abdicated her responsibilities as a parent.

I think your brother is fully aware of the situation and has acted with thought and maturity to acknowledge what you are doing for him.

your mother clearly has substantial issues, appears to be self absorbed and lack any emotional intelligence. If she had done things for his birthday, contributed to his keep, kept in Touch with him positively, then the responses would be very different.

keep him away from her, get him therapy and ensure he knows he is truly good so his confidence and self esteem isn’t impacted but her.

Your mother is a knob. She's not a mother and it sounds like your brother feels safe and secure with you.

Why aren't you getting any money for him? The child benefit should be coming to you and any benefits that go with it. I'd even go so far as to claim child support from her.

If you don't want to do that. Then just bring it up to her if she starts her lip, that you know she's still claiming for him and that can change if she doesn't pack in her shit.

I think that you should knock these feelings of guilt on the head and start getting really pissed off with her. She dumped him on you, along with the financial responsibility for him, she’s made sod all effort to rebuild their relationship and now she’s got the brass neck to get angry with you because he’s told you that he appreciates you helping him get his life back on track? I think you should point out that she’s currently reaping what she has sown.

I suspect you might have the sort of relationship with her where you make the effort to make sure she’s ok and that she isn’t upset with you. If that’s the case, please don’t do it this time. You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologise for and nothing to fix. It’s her who should be apologising to you.

She thinks he's rude for not making an effort on 'mothers day'? Doesn't sound like she's made much effort to be his 'mother'
As the saying goes 'you reap what you sow!'
Well done for stepping up and giving him the safe stable home he obviously needs, I'm delighted he acknowledged that on mothers day, it sounds like he really appreciates it.

When my Dd was born my older sister helped a lot because I had pnd. She used to take my Dd overnight to give me a break and would generally spoil her, my Dd always sent her a card on mother's day 'to someone who's been like a mother to me' she used to look forward to doing this, and even now she's much older she still remembers doing it. Your mum is jealous because you've done her job and done it so well

Your mum sounds awful

You're an amazing sister and your brother is lucky to have you. If you weren't around hed likely be lost in the system