About mothers day getting weird with my brother

[SubtleSnake]

Hi all

This is a bit awkward and i’m not sure if i’ve handled it wrong tbh so hoping for outside views.

My younger brother (15) has been living with me FT since last summer. Long story but he was having massive behaviour issues at home, school refusing etc and mum basically said it was either he went into care or could he stay with me “for a bit”. That was 8 months ago and he’s still here. Dad hasn’t been involved for years so that’s not an option.

It hasn’t been easy but he’s settled a lot actually. Goes to school most days now, eats proper food, normal stuff like that.

Anyway today obviously mothers day. I woke up and he’d left a little bag on the kitchen table with chocolates and a mug and a card saying thank you for looking after him and “being more like a mum than anyone”. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I told him he didn’t need to do that and that mum is still his mum etc but he just shrugged and said he wanted to.

Later i met mum for lunch (this was already planned) and somehow it came up because he’d texted her just “happy mothers day”. She asked if he’d done anything for me and i stupidly said yes he’d given me a card.

She absolutely flipped. Said i’ve clearly encouraged it and i’m trying to replace her which i honestly haven’t at all. If anything i’ve tried to keep her involved but she rarely asks about him unless there’s a problem.

Now i feel really weird about the whole thing. I didn’t ask for the presents and didn’t even know he’d done it until this morning. But also he’s 15 and i’m the one doing school runs, parents evenings, buying trainers when he grows again etc so i can see why he did it?

Mum left lunch early and now isn’t replying to messages.

AIBU to think she’s being unfair here or have i accidentally stepped into something i shouldn’t have. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone.

Oh dear, so it’s okay for her to send a birthday text but not okay for a Mother’s Day text. Unbelievable.

My DH has a disengaged mother, although no where near as bad as yours. Don’t underestimate the emotional damage a non caring mother can cause. I wonder if counselling would help, would any be available through his school I wonder. Poor kid, and you as I don’t expect you were treated much better.

How lucky your brother is to have you and not have had to go and live with strangers. It was a strange thing your mum asked and the fact she thought to ask probably indicates how well she knows you have stepped into her shoes, regardless of your intention. It sounds like your brother needs to hear the arrangement is no longer just “for a bit” but that he can consider himself at home with you.

Thanks for the update OP. You are an incredibly good person balancing the precarious line to try to keep everyone happy. However I think for your own and your brother's wellbeing it would be better to stop putting as much effort into keeping your mum happy, who is clearly very selfish and a crap mother. It would be OK for both you and your brother to reduce your contact with her as it doesn't seem to benefit either of you and is actively detrimental to him.

If you feel you can do this, it would be good if you could talk to your brother again in a more positive way about the gift and card he got you on Mother's Day - PP is right that your response of "you didn't have to" - while true, could be percieved in the teenage brain as a rejection. It's true that you aren't his biological mother but you are the person in his life who fulfils that role - you are acting as his mum as much as an adoptive or foster mother would and he needs to know that he has that love and support from you that he ought to be getting from his actual mum, and that it's OK for him to think of you that way if he wants to.

I can see why your young brother has been acting up. If was having to cope with an infantile mother and he tantrums and sulky behaviour it is no wonder he went off the rails. Leave your mother to her sulking and let her be the one to make contact.

You sound as though you have done an amazing job caring for your brother and it is lovely that he is appreciating it. Keep doing what you are doing and treasure those presents - they are well deserved.
Your mother might be angry because she feels guilty. In my experience people find it easier to be angry than sad.
Your brother is very lucky to have you.

Did she really say “did he give anything to you?” That suggests she already knew or is feeling shame/guilt at how you’re handling him better than her.

Either way honestly I think you should have lied. What possible benefit is there in her knowing?

I can’t get past the fact that your mother wanted to let him go into care. I appreciate teenagers are not easy but this situation clearly shows she was a dhitty parent to him. He is so lucky to have you as a sister and it sounds like he appreciates it and understands it. You have done an amazing job with him and it sounds like he is thriving. Ignore your mother and jet her sulk. There is a reason why her son doesn’t prioritise the mother who wanted to send him into care.

Firstly you should made a claim for child support as your brother is living with you and I assume you are happy for this arrangement to continue. Child Benefit can be backdated for up to 3 months from the date you make the claim so make sure you claim that. Also, whoever claims will get National Insurance credits towards their state pension. The credits can fill gaps in your record if you’re not working or do not earn enough to pay National Insurance contributions. So this could be pertinent to your situation.

If you decide you don't need this money, you could either save it for your brother or give it to him as his allowance, so he has some money of his own - a good opportunity for him to learn about managing his own money.

Lastly, I hope you did actually thank your brother for his gift and card and acknowledge his thoughtfulness and what he was saying though his gesture. He sounds like he is doing well and I think it was lovely telling you how much he appreciates your role in his life - he's no fool, he knows who is really the responsible adult here.

Sounds like you are doing a really good job which your brother not just appreciates but openly acknowledges. Well done ! You are being very good to him and I'm sure it's not easy, he's still 15.

As for your mum, she is reaping what she has sown whether intentionally or not and her focus needs to be on rebuilding the relationship with him on an arms length basis.

You should also be receiving his child benefit. If you are not, you should take steps to sort that out. Do you have any sort of guardianship / ability to take responsibility if anything happens to him or he needs support as a signatory?

…..i’m a bit stuck with what she expects exactly….

I think it’s fair to say she can ‘expect’ all she likes but you are not obliged to make any changes at all OP. Except maybe to ignore the tantrums and histrionics from her.

You have got him back into education.
You are raising him financially as well as emotionally and socially and doing a fine job of it. Your mum has absolutely nothing to complain about. She should be thanking you.
She can’t have it both ways.

Please do not let her spoil the work you have already done. Do not let her diminish your brother either. He went astray because of her lack of investment in his welfare. You picked up the pieces and he has also done well to engage properly again. It’s a crucial time for him now. I’m glad he didn’t have to witness her tantrum yesterday. Shame on your mum for not valuing the efforts you have made and the love that you have shown him.

OP, does she receive any benefits for him? She doesn't give you any money but does she at least give you the child benefit?

Given how he is when he comes back after seeing his mum, I think that's really worth talking to him about in between visits. I imagine he has very mixed feelings about his mum. You're doing a great job with him. If he finds it difficult to talk to you then could you suggest he types everything in to ChatGpt and ask for advice on how to deal with his mum and his feelings? I know everyone on here hates ChatGpt but it's brilliant for this sort of thing if someone finds it difficult to express their feelings openly.

She's hurting. Probably realises that she's a crap mum. You stepping up and doing a better job doesn't help her, but that's not your fault.

It's as simple as that. Keep calm and carry on.

Well done for being such a great daughter, sister, and mum. Life isn't easy, but you seem to be doing very well in difficult circumstances, and your brother appreciates this.

She was going to put him into care, no wonder he feels upset

Don't worry about her expectations. She is an adult and can handle it. That's not your responsibility. Focus on your brother and keeping him on the right path. I see so many children of neglectful parents and it usually ends badly so it's nice to see one given the opportunity to turn it around. I would be curious if she raised you the same way. I see a lot of older siblings in these dynamics that are parentified.

You're Mum is a complete twat and you are an absolute angel. She also needs to give you child support! Also as a previous poster mentioned she could be in receipt of child benefit so making money of a child that is not living with her. You need to formalised this agreement because your Mum is taking the piss! Sending massive loves and strength to you OP you sound like a great guardian for your brother. Xx

Lovely post😊 OP take note💜

The text message only for his birthday but being upset that she didn't get more than that for mothers day says it all really, doesn't it.

You know that your M’s behaviour is not on. She can be upset, it doesn’t mean you have to apologise or change anything you or your DB do.

What your DB did was express how he feels and that can be difficult enough for some men, let alone teenage boys.

I’d let him know how much you appreciate what he did for you.

If your DM isn’t contributing, is she still receiving Child Benefit? Is so, i would contact the child benefit service and ask for it to be paid to you. Your M probably won’t like it but if she’s not looking after him and she’s not contributing financials then it’s not her money.

I can understand that she probably feels sad her relationship with her son is so shit.

But from what you have said, that's he fault, certainly not yours, and arguably not her son's either (or at least, she is more to blame, being the adult).

Hopefully once she has calmed down, she could give some thought to how to build bridges with him - maybe plan some time spent with him doing something HE would enjoy (taking him to a film of his choice, perhaps).

You sound like a lovely person OP, and a great sister and daughter. You deserve that appreciation, and I am glad he gave you the gifts and card! For a 15 year old lad to do that unprompted clearly shows how much he appreciates you....

The only thing you could do differently next time is perhaps not tell her? No point rubbing salt into the wound. But I totally get that you didn't think it through this time.

And in the long term, maybe this WILL cause he to reflect?

You saved your brother from care. You are amazing.

On the other hand, this she rarely asks about him unless there’s a problem
tells me all I need to know about your mum.

OP, you and your bother are doing brilliantly in adverse circumstances. Your brother's doing so well to make positive changes living with you and it's great for a lad of his age to have the emotional intelligence to recognise what you do for him. You're doing well to be a competent mother figure to him and doing better than the biological one. I'm also willing to bet that she's also been at best a disappointing, lukewarm mother to you and probably not even that if you think back... Your update wasn't surprising.

You don't owe her anything. Quite the reverse. She should be grateful to you that you are able, willing and successful at supporting her son, and she should be covering his costs including child benefit.

I wish you and your brother all the best

I don’t mean to be rude, but your mum is a cunt palming her son off on you and giving you absolutely no choice in it.

Thank god you were there to love him. He means it and he is right.

I wouldn’t give her the time of day let alone chase her.

You have been a godsend to this boy and deserve his thanks. Your mum sounds in a bad place at the moment. Take no notice of what she says about this.

"What your DB did was express how he feels and that can be difficult enough for some men, let alone teenage boys. I’d let him know how much you appreciate what he did for you."

I'd add it's even harder to express your feelings when you've been rejected by your parent/s as by doing so you're opening yourself up to the risk of being rejected again. This was probably a really big deal for your brother OP, please tell him how touched you are.

I think you're doing a wonderful thing for your brother. I'm sorry about your mum.

Ultimately the most important feelings here are his. Don’t discourage his gesture or attachment to placate your pretty useless sounding mum.