AIBU to expect anything from my husband for my first mother's day?

[Armandi110]

Good morning and happy mother's day to all the moms out there.

AIBU to expect anything for my first mother's day? My baby is 3 months old so obviously not expecting anything from her, but some kind of acknowledgement from my husband that it's actually mother's day?

I am not a demanding person and would have been delighted with a hug and a "happy first mother's day". A box of chocolates or bunch of flowers would have been a bonus, but I wasn't expecting that. I went through IVF so it's been a long and emotional journey to get here and I spent many a mother's day in tears, so today means a lot to me. I've even had messages from friends and family wishing me a happy first mother's day.

My husband has not even acknowledged the fact that it's mothers day, despite the fact he is watching Formula 1 and Lewis Hamilton just wished his mom and all the other moms a happy mothers day.

He is generally quite lacklustre in life and not one for a gesture but this has got me wondering if he is even the right person for me any more. Am I overreacting?

I think first child and only 3 months old , it probably still settling in as new situation and this can be quite the shock/change. I think you need to make it clear you feel hurt by lack of card, but then leave it at that.

On another point your post mentions him basically doing his own thing, Do not conflate this with the mothers day or it may be taken the wrong way - leave it a few days , but you really should sit down and have a clear conversation about shared responsibility now you are parents.

Think about what you feel you need and then discuss in a calm manner with him to agree how he can help. It may seem obvious to you, but assumptions can cause a lot of problems.

Try to be reasonable e.g if he loves F1 then it's fine if he has this time to himself, but you also need equivalent free time,and support if your child or yourself are ill

Parenthood is one of the hardest things in life, and you need to work as a team.

This is very hurtful! Even more so the IVF journey you have both been on. I would share you feelings and say how hurt you are. We always remember the 1st with your babies and that is not a nice memory

Of course it’s thoughtless of him.

I am 8 months pregnant and have just received a lovely card and gift from my husband and our child isn’t even here yet but he knows how hard pregnancy has been and how much I’m about to go through by giving birth to our child and he wants to show his appreciation and love.

Tell your husband how you feel and why he needs to do better. Don’t tip toe around the subject and feel like you’re causing a fuss. You’re asking for the bare minimum.

Happy Mother’s Day 💐💐

Happy first mothers day OP, how wonderful you are finally here after waiting for your baby!
I hope that you can give him a bit of a kick up the arse, a man who is lacklustre at life and gives up easy needs to turn things around if he wants to be a good dad and partner. He should bring joy to both of your lives, as you and your baby are worth celebrating, just remember that.

It didn’t occur to my DH who went out and bought his DM flowers and a card when she was staying with us and our 1st DD was 4mths old! After pointing it out to him at the time, he made an effort every year until they were old enough to sort themselves. He’s an otherwise v thoughtful and involved DH/ DF to our kids, just didn’t occur to him as I wasn’t his mother 🙄😂

Women are mostly socialised to find meaning and emotion in these rituals and men are largely not.

How many men send cards and gifts to their mates on their birthdays? How many women do?

It's not unreasonable for men not to know women expect cards from their newborn babies (or, as in another thread, from their cat!)

(It's unreasonable of them not to indulge if it's been communicated to them that it's important.)

Happy Mother’s Day 💕
Match his effort on Father’s Day. And actually do not do anything!
I’m sorry he didn’t even get a card that’s shitty.

How thoughtless of him. My husband made loads of effort when ours were babies - it was his opportunity to express appreciation and love on Mother’s Day.

My dog knew it was Mothers Day so no excuses for any men!

It's not unreasonable, but TBH a lot of people, certainly men, will think of mother's day as something the kids do for the mum when they're old enough, so will assume they don't have to do anything. I didn't realise until I was a mum that a lot of people get cards on behalf of their kids from their partners, so it's not something that everyone knows might be expected.

I think he’s an arsehole for this personally and as it’s not yet midday then plenty of time to make it up to you BUT I’m not sure I’d ever forget such selfish crappy behaviour.

You can talk to him until you are blue in the face but he won’t hear any of it.

match his energy for Father’s Day, THEN he’ll understand. Don’t model how you wanted to be treated, all he’ll learn from that is that he doesn’t need to make an effort and you still will.

Is he usually thoughtless? If his Mum is still alive has he remembered her?

Could do better ✅

Yanbu and welcome to motherhood. Congratulations on your baby!

The men never cease to disappoint.

I had an okay first mother's day, a very disappointing second one, and an alright third one so far.

I did have a discussion with DP around valentine's day and he said he felt overwhelmed by all the holidays. I told him I only cared about and wanted an effort made on Christmas, my birthday and mother's day. He seems to have taken that on board this year but we shall see how this continues.

That being said, my DP can be proactive and effective when he's properly motivated. If yours has a lackluster attitude to life in general you might need to adjust your expectations and treat him accordingly on father's Day etc.

Not unreasonable at all but typical tbh. My ex who was father of my kids never brought me anything in
20 years together. My partner who isn’t that father of my dc always gets me flowers, chocolates and a card as well as other little bits. It’s the make psyche and state of mind. If they think of you and respect you as a woman and mother they well. I’m sorry for you x

I meant it’s about the make psyche.

• male

I do empathise - it still annoys me that 28 years ago my husband did exactly same thing - minus the AI bit. To make it worse he did the same the next year too - then nursery started to make hand prints etc so I did get cards from nursery.

He has got a lot better since then but still doesn’t not see why I am bothered about these or any occasions.

They are important to you (and me) so YANBU
Happy Mothers Day and congratulations on your beautiful baby girl.

Give yourself a Mothers Day treat and have some time to yourself or buy yourself a gift. Xx

Happy Mother’s Day OP!

I'd completely match his effort and do sweet f a for his first Father’s Day.

Make the book for yourself, compile baby’s first year. It’ll be super cute.

My first Mother’s Day was awful. I was dragged to see ex’s mum. I spend most of the day on the M6. So glad I can now sit with my feet up!

Yes, to be fair, since you married a human plankton.

Not wanting to sound harsh, but it seems like he doesn't care enough to celebrate your now being a mother. He's watching TV instead Very poor show.

Tell him you want to go out somewhere and do something as a family as it's a special day, ask him for a card next year. It is pretty crap but not too late to have a nice day.
When your little one is in school you'll get home made cards coming home from school, possibly from nursery too. Those cards are the best and the ones I'm keeping forever.x

I think this is something that has changed over the years and not everyone has changed with it.

When I was growing up, it was very much for children to celebrate their mothers, not for men to celebrate the mothers of their children which seems to be more the done thing now.

I am still in the older school of thought on this, I expected him to help the kids to do something once they were old enough but I didn't want him to do anything before that. It would make me feel like his mother.

I am not saying the way you feel is wrong - just that I don't think everyone is on the same page on this stuff so communication is important

This happened to me too. My partner and me had different upbringings and he never gave his own mum a card growing up and was taught it was all commerical bullshit. Because he knew I didn't care for Valentine's day he genuinely didn't think it was a big deal. I had to REALLY point it out.
I still got him something for fathers day even tho he wasnt bothered just to make the point that it WAS important to me to celebrate these days and that is something I wanted in my family.
If he is a good partner in other ways then I would just explain it (spell it out) and move on.
I always make an effort for my own mum and I explained I dont want to be making a huge effort and feel forgotten myself, that it was a tradition I wanted for my kids. I have always said it is not about having a fancy gift, it can be a 3 quid bunch of flowers and I would be happy.
Now he just takes the kids to choose me something. It requires very little effort from him. But the kids love it and I appreciate it.